Puzzle Pieces
by workstudywrite
Summary: What would have happened if 8x13, the AU episode, hadn't stopped there? What happens between Meredith and Derek? How does Meredith deal with her new half-sister? Join me for fluff and love with a little heartache and angst thrown in for good measure.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I do not own Grey's Anatomy; if I did, I absolutely would have made the AU episode into multiple episodes.**

 **Author's Note: Here's another little story for ya! Again, I'm sorry about TINTE, but I'm really just not feeling it right now (as sad as it sounds). But, so much more is flowing! I've had the first part of this chapter done for at least 6 months and I re-discovered it a couple days ago. Something just clicked and I knew exactly where I wanted to go with it. First of all, for my sake and yours, I hope I don't lose that and second; I'm kinda hoping the same thing will happen soon with TINTE.**

 **As always, thank you for reading and I hope you enjoy!**

 **If you feel like reviewing, I would really appreciate it, I love knowing what you guys think and hearing about what I can do better!**

 **If you don't feel like it, just enjoy… that's what this is here for.**

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Long. Exhausting. Tumultuous. Hellish. I could have thought of a million adjectives to describe that day. Never in my worst nightmare had I imagined that April and Alex could do something so juvenile… so repugnant. I wouldn't have put it past Alex when I met him, but in the past few years he had done a complete three-sixty and I was more than sure he was the one. However today, when I walked in on them in exam room four, it was like a window to the past. Everything I thought had changed in Alex was back and rearing its ugly head, because he really never changed. The commitment, honesty, and humility that I had looked so hard and long for in him was all just a Band-Aid covering a festering wound, it couldn't hold up forever.

At the time I believed I could change him for good, but now I know the truth: people only change for the ones they truly adore. There was a time I would have bet my life on Alex and his love for me. Now I see that what we had may have been love, but it wasn't the right kind of love. Our love wasn't grand and awe-inspiring, it didn't slow time or catapult the word into a tizzy. Our love was not _the_ love. The one that would last a lifetime, make it through the tumultuous hurricane of life and bounce back stronger than before. Our time together was a lesson, for myself just as much as Alex. He learned that he could be the good guy, the one who bought flowers, held hands, and kissed goodnight. I learned that sometimes the people you're closest to hurt you the most and the carousal keeps spinnig when you're in pain.

"You're mother says the residents have a name for me" came a voice from the other side of the bar, snapping me out of my revere as quickly as I had fallen in.

"Huh?" I asked, jumping slightly and whipping my head to meet the sparkling blues of a doctor I knew so much yet so little about, "I wouldn't know anything about that."

"What is it?" he asked, his eyes bouncing back toward his near-empty scotch glass.

I turned my head back toward the bar for a moment and contemplated whether or not I should tell him.

"Psst," he said with a smile, "Come on."

"McDreary," I stated simply as he chuckled "We call you, McDreary," I finished as he continued to laugh, "You think that's funny?" I asked.

He huffed a deep, melancholy chuckle and took a swig of his scotch, "It's apt. McDreary," he whispered to himself, "That's my life," he finished with shrug, spinning his glass.

"So, how about tonight you're not McDreary… you're just… you're just a guy in a bar," I whispered back, biting my lip.

"And… you're just a girl in a bar," he said.

"I am," I replied simply.

Sitting here with him, it was hard to believe that he was the same person I worked with… the rugged, mean, untouchable Dr. Shepherd. Something had to have happened to change him into such a bitter person. I remember when he first came here, before his wife followed him… he was happy. He was hopeful and funny and every intern wanted on his service. How does a man go from being so happy, to so… not?

"What happened to you?" I asked tentatively, almost surprised that the words came out of my mouth, "I'm sorry, you don't have to answer that. I don't even really know why I said it. I just mean… when you first came to Seattle, you were so happy, so excited about your job, and always trying to one-up someone. Everyone wanted on your service and now… I mean, they used to call you McDreamy. How does someone go from McDreamy to McDreary?" I rambled, then blushed realizing what I was asking and how much I had just said.

He looked up at me and I expected a hard, detached gaze, but I was surprised that when our eyes met, his were shining in amusement, "Wow, I have to admit, it's a little impressive that you didn't take a single breath that whole time," he chuckled before he dropped his gaze and his demeanor darkened again. He began tracing his finger around the cold, wet ring his glass had left on the table, as Joe gave him another, "You know… that's a good question," he began wistfully, "I guess… you know I haven't been able to be myself in so long now, that I've just resigned myself to what I have... or had. Do you know why I moved out here in the first place?" he asked curiously as he got up and moved closer, into the stool Cristina had left.

I shook my head, asking Joe for two waters before turning my head to look at Derek, playing with my last shot glass.

"Addison slept with my best-friend," he began somberly, "Had a relationship with him actually… for months," he snorted angrily, "So I moved out here to get away from them, for a fresh start you know? It worked for a couple weeks, but eventually she followed me out here. She had left Mark and she kept apologizing and apologizing, begging me to take her back and give her a second chance. She even got my sister Nancy to call me and tell me all the reasons I would be stupid not to go back to her. Obviously, I agreed to try again and we've been in this weird limbo for years now…," he rubbed his hands across his face, "God," he laughed darkly, "I haven't told anyone about this… at all."

Smiling at him sadly I whispered, "I'm glad you told me," and placed a hand on his shoulder. I couldn't believe what he had just told me, that his wife, the happy Shepherd had cheated on him. In that moment, I realized I would never be able to look at her the same ever again, "and I'm sorry," I whispered sincerely, "that this happened to you."

He glanced down at my hand then at me and mirrored my sad smile, "Me too," he whispered back, "I appreciate it, but you don't have to be sorry. I didn't realize it until just recently, but I've been stewing for so long that I don't recognize myself anymore. The man I used to be would've been disgusted at the way I've been treating people. Hell, I didn't even realize Addison was seeing Mark again… let alone that the baby was his," he said in disbelief, shaking his head.

"Dr. Shepherd," I whispered sadly.

He shook his head, "Call me Derek, you deserve it after listening to my sob story," he chuckled darkly.

"Fine," I conceded, "Then you have to call me Meredith."

"Well ok," he smiled, "it's nice to meet you, Meredith," he said, reaching his hand out to shake mine.

"It's nice to finally meet you, too, Derek," I smiled, shaking his hand firmly. His grip was firm and strong, but somehow it had a sort of softness to it that made me feel comfortable.

"Alright," he said, gulping down some water, "I showed you mine, now you show me yours," he winked.

I froze for a second, "I don't have anything to show," I spoke shakily, knowing full well that I did.

"Yes you do," he said softly, "you've been upset all day."

"How do you...?" I asked curiously.

"I pay attention to things," he responded with a smile before sighing slightly, "You don't owe me anything, Dr. Gr… Meredith. If you would rather not talk about it, then we'll leave it at that," he said with another smile as he tilted his head.

For some reason, just the way he accepted that I didn't necessarily want to talk to him about it, made me feel comfortable, "Well... uhh... last night I got engaged and today... I found him having sex with my best friend in an exam room," I began, noticing his eyes grow wide and fill with sympathy, "And for some reason I'm still living with my parents. After I moved back for my internship, I didn't have time to find an apartment, but somehow… all these years later, I'm still at home. It isn't terrible, my dad and I have a great relationship, but my mom's… just… complicated," I finished with a sigh.

"I'm sorry," he whispered, rubbing his hand along my arm briefly, "it makes it that much harder when two relationships end at once," he said with a sad, knowing smile as I nodded and stopped rolling my glass around, looking into his blue orbs again, "I can only imagine how complicated Ellis Grey is to have as mother."

"You don't want to know," I said with a laugh, "It's like World War III in our house anytime someone other than Dad challenges her opinion… he's the only one who can get her thinking semi clearly," I said, rolling my eyes.

"I can see it," Derek said, "Richard seems like a pretty level-headed guy."

"He is," I smiled, "he's a good dad and honestly? I would go insane if I were in that house with just my mother."

"Are you kidding me?" he laughed, "I feel like I'm going insane every time I step into her office and she tries to shove a clinical trial down my throat, I can't imagine being in a house with her at all."

I laughed with him, "She only does it to the people she likes, you're lucky. I'd watch out though, if you don't revert back to McDreary by morning, she might not like you anymore."

He smirked at me, "What makes me not McDreary right now?" he asked.

"You're not being an asshole," I shrugged.

He sputtered a laugh as he took a sip again, "You do realize I'm still your boss, right?"

"Just speakin' the truth," I stated simply, while mentally punching myself in the face for calling my boss an asshole.

"I respect that," he said with a chuckle.

"You know, I've been doing a lot of research lately on the tumor that Mr. Robertson had."

"The guy who was mauled by the bear?" Derek asked.

"Yeah, and I think I may have found a way to help other people with the same tumor. There's a drug that's not yet tested on humans. I would like to do a clinical trial, but I need a neurosurgeon to back me up… and you're one of the best. My mom's been on you about starting a clinical trial anyway and I was hoping that maybe you'd be interested," I finished, hoping to get him interested in the idea.

He hummed in response and looked at me skeptically, "Aren't you on Ortho?" he asked.

I sighed and rolled my eyes, "Technically, yes because my mother has an iron fist when it comes to what she wants me to be, but I'm in the process of transferring to Neuro. It's just… Ortho is great and all, but it's not what I'm passionate about. This… the human brain and how it works, this is what I'm passionate about. Because without the brain working properly, nothing else matters. When it comes down to it, it's the one organ in the body that holds the entirety of who we are."

"Honestly," he said with a smile, "I think you'd be the perfect person to start a clinical trial… not many people have that kind of appreciation for Neuro and it's really promising, Meredith," he told me softly.

I couldn't help the smile that spread across my face at his words and the butterflies that erupted in the pit of my stomach as I realized that this could really happen, "So you're in?" I asked excitedly.

"I'm in," he replied happily, "Stop by my office after rounds tomorrow and take me through it step by step. Then we'll take your proposal to the Chief and go from there."

"Crap," I whispered, hoping he didn't hear it as I started playing with my watch.

A confused expression took over his face, "What?" he asked.

"Nothing… nothing," I stuttered, "She just hasn't authorized my transfer yet, I've talked to her about it but she refuses and hopefully this will be what she needs in order to realize how serious I am abou this," I said.

"I've got your back," he said confidently, "If she refuses, I'll fight her on it and convince her this is where you belong."

"I appreciate the offer, but Derek I don't want you to jeopardize anything by doing that," I told him honestly, "It's not worth it to me."

"It is to me," he said seriously, "Look at me," he said and I lifted my gaze to meet his, "There is a limited number of Neuro residents who have ever been as passionate about it as you are, if I was able to see that in the few minutes we've talked about it, then your mother will get it through her thick skull sooner or later." He said sternly.

We sat and talked like this for hours. At some point I had stopped drinking completely, without even realizing it. Talking to him made me feel normal, it made me feel less messed up, and it kept me from thinking about the natural disaster my life had seemed to become and I hoped I was able to do the same for him.

* * *

Talking to Meredith last night had proved to be surprisingly cathartic. In the 6 years I have lived in Seattle, not once had I told anyone my story. After what happened with Mark and Addison, I never allowed myself to make any friends and risk something similar happening. It was a punch in the gut to hear what I was known as throughout the hospital and it really opened my eyes to the way I had treated people in the time I had been here. I hadn't given them any reason to think of me as anything other than an asshole and I knew that know. If my mom ever found out, I'm sure I'd get yelled at worse than that time Mark and I followed Kath around town on her first date and threw popcorn at them in the theatre.

Just as the thought crossed my mind, my cell rang in the pocket of my scrubs and when I looked at the caller ID, Mom's name stared back at me. Good-lord, she always did have perfect timing, "Hey, Ma," I spoke swallowing a large gulp of coffee.

"Derek, dear," Mom spoke softly, "How are you doing?"

"You know what, Ma?" I responded happily, "Better than I have been in a really long time."

Mom sighed audibly on the other end of the line, "Oh, you have no idea how happy that makes me, but I must admit, I'm a bit surprised given the circumstances. Nance got a call from Addie last night. She came over this morning and told me all about it," Mom said, sounding quite exasperated, "But I thought I should call you myself… you know how those two can be."

I smiled softly to myself, Mom had never really liked Addison and she was never too keen on us getting back together in the first place. When she found out Addison was pregnant, she almost literally flipped shit, "More than I would like to," I groaned, before jumping into a summary of yesterday's events, "Mark showed up, and he and Addison told me the baby was his… that they'd been seeing each other for over a year now. And Mom, I almost feel bad about it, but I was relieved. I felt trapped when Addison had told me about the baby. I had been planning on trying to end it with her for good and when she told me," I groaned and shook my head, "but now I feel free... freer than I have in years. I met someone last night and I'm pretty sure I finally have a friend here," I laughed, "isn't that sad? I live in Seattle for six years before I allow myself to make a friend."

"Oh dear, I'm sorry for how everything played out. I'm sorry that you had to act as their puppet for so long and I may never forgive them for that. I have to say I'm a little disappointed to hear the news about not having another grandchild after all, but it's for the best."

"Ma, Mark has been like a son to you since we were 8 years old. I know that you'll treat that baby like one of your own grandchildren," I told her softly.

Mom hummed in response, "You're right, he will always be my second son, but after everything that happened and everything that he and Addison did to you… I don't see them being invited home for the holidays anytime soon. As much as it kills me."

"I understand, Ma. I really do," I replied, smiling as I heard a knock on my office door. I stood up to open it, knowing I'd be greeted by Meredith on the other side.

"I'm just so happy for you and that you're taking the news so well," she continued, "I've been worried about you for a long time. I'm glad you've made a friend there."

"Thanks, Ma," I told her, "I really appreciate it and I'm really glad you called, but I have to get back to work now."

"Alright, dear. I'm sorry to keep you, but call me soon," she demanded, "We need to talk about holiday plans, it's high time you got your ass back here young man," she finished sternly.

"Ma, watch the language!" I laughed in amusement, "I promise I'll call you soon, I love you."

"Love you too, Derek. Have a good day."

"You too, Ma," I responded, "talk to you later." As I hung up the phone, I saw Meredith snickering out of the corner of my eye as she went through her paperwork, "Sorry about that," I smiled.

"No need to apologize," she said with a smile, "Your mom sounds nice. Not that I was eaves-dropping, crap, you probably think I'm a creeper now," she said, biting her lip.

"I don't think you're a creeper," I laughed, "and she is nice… she's an amazing Mom. She's had my back through all of the crap these past few years. It's been hard on her though, Mark was like a son to her," I told her softly, "And now I Just told you a lot more than you needed to know, yet again."

"Can't blame the alcohol this time," she smirked and I laughed in reply; it was absolutely true though, "Alright, so I made you a copy of everything I have, but I'll walk you through it a second," she began.

"Perfect, let's see what you've got," I replied, moving around to sit in a chair next to her. She took me through the research she had done step by step, through every one of the dozens of pages of information. There was no doubt in my mind that she was well-read and based on the amount of time she must have spent on this, there was not a hint of doubt that she was serious about Neuro.

* * *

My meeting with Derek this morning went better than expected… he was completely sold on the idea. Now, our only hurdle was getting my mother to accept our proposal. We had arranged a meeting with her through her secretary for 4 o'clock this afternoon and I had been going back and forth about asking my dad to be there to provide some sanity to her decision.

However, for now I was busy dealing with Lexi… my newfound sister. After I had resuscitated her last night, I wanted to ensure she was stable. I was still having a hard time wrapping my mind around the whole situation. The fact that Thatcher had another daughter and the fact that my mother had known for so many years but failed to inform me and honestly… I didn't know which I was more stumped by. As I made my way toward Lexie's room, a voice from inside sent a chill down my spine and made my heart palpitate and as I walked through the doorway, I nearly froze at the sight of Thatcher, my biological father.

"Lexie, when are you going to learn to take care of yourself," he yelled at the pale girl in the hospital bed.

"Maybe when you stopped drinking and learn to take care of yourself!" she hissed back with a glare, "You're not the only one in pain, Dad. You may have lost your wife, but I lost her too, I lost my mom!" she continued, a single tear making a trail down her cheek and around her nose.

"Mr. Grey, I'm going to have to ask you to leave for now," I spoke, surprisingly firmly, "Your daughter is very sick and raising her blood pressure may be dangerous," I said, taking in the shock on his face as he turned toward me and looked me up and down.

"Meredith," he smiled, "My goodness, I haven't seen you in…"

"About 25 years," I finished for him dryly, "and whose fault is that?"

"Meredith, your mother…" he attempted to begin.

"Can be a handful most of the time," I offered coldly, "I need you to leave Mr. Grey."

He looked heartbroken as I continued to speak, "Meredith, I'm your dad."

"No, you're not," I replied, "You're just my sperm donor, now please, I need you to leave," I told him seriously.

He looked between me and Lexie, opening and closing his mouth, searching for something to say before hanging his head low and shuffling out of the room.

"I'm going to check your vitals real quick and inspect your incision sight, alright?" I asked her softly and a couple minutes into my checks I spoke up again, "You doing ok?" I asked.

"Define ok," she rasped in a cracking voice.

"I know it's a bad question, I'm sorry," I apologized.

"It's not your fault," she said, "You're just trying to be nice, but you don't have to be. We may have the same sperm donor, but that doesn't mean we're sisters," she said dryly.

"You're right, it doesn't," I continue, very relieved she didn't want to start having sleepovers and soul-bearing sessions right off the bat, "but you're the only person who hates Thatcher more than I do, so I feel a bit of a connection," I joked.

Lexie cracked a small, tired smile, "You're good with him," she murmured, "you don't take his shit, you give right back. You're better at this whole thing than I am," she whispered.

"I'll take that as a compliment," I giggled softly, moving around her bed to check her incision sight, "but I have about 25 years of bitterness built up. I don't know about you."

She sighed deeply, wincing at the movement, "It's only really been about 5 years for me. Since my mom died," she said, her voice growing rougher and cracking slightly, "He didn't stop caring until she died… it was like part of him - the good part of him - died with her. She was only dead about a week when he started drinking. He had never been much of a drinker. Said it was poison that people used to get through the holidays," she said as tears began tumbling past her eyes and she sniffed.

"Lex," I whispered sympathetically, now finished inspecting her wound, I covered her up, ripped my gloves off, tossed them in the trash and made my way back to her. My hand came to rest tentatively on her shoulder and my thumb rubbed circles into it as I grasped her hand with my other, "I'm sorry about your mom."

She looked at me, her bright green eyes, the ones that mirrored my own, letting me in. It was as if I could see the cracks within her, where her mother's death, and her father's words had torn her apart. Squeezing my hand tightly, she closed her eyes, resting her head on my hand that was still on her shoulder as she let the tears fall. I began to question whether she had ever truly grieved for her mother, or if she had simply buried it beneath the dreads, black clothes, and dark makeup as she tried with everything in her to drag her father out of the whole he had dug for himself. I had known her all of 36 hours, but I knew already that she was a fighter, that she was tough. She had to be… she was a Grey.

"Lex," I whispered, "When you get out of here, will you have anywhere to go?" I asked her hesitantly. The terrified look in her eyes when she glanced up told me she had yet to think of that and most likiely had no where to go, "OK," I told her softly, "Would you want to stay with me?" I questioned.

"You don't have to do that," she spoke brokenly, "Why would you do that for me?"

I thought for a long moment, "Because, we're sperm sisters," I said with a laugh, smiling wider as she laughed along… only to wince, "Sorry, but seriously. You can stay with me for as long as you need to," I told her tenderly and smiled again as she nodded in response, her eyes portraying all the thanks I needed.

I pulled away slowly, reaching to grab my notepad and a pen from the pocket of my labcoat, "I want you to take this and write down your clothing sizes; pants, shirts, bras, underwear, and anything else you need, including toiletries and makeup… anything else you can think of," I told her as I placed the pen in her hand and the paper on her meal table. She looked panicked as she glanced between me and the paper and just as she opened her mouth to decline I spoke, "If you say one word or if I come back and that piece of paper has less than 10 items on it, I'm telling the nurses you think they're bitchy and trust me... you do not want to piss off the people taking care of you," I laughed and she rolled her eyes, much like my Dad says I always do, "I have to get back to work, but I'll stop by again soon," I smiled as I made my way toward the door.

"Dr. Grey?" I heard her call just as I reached the door, "Thank you," she whispered with a tired smile, nearly inaudibly as I turned around.

"You're welcome," I whispered back, "and Lex? Call me Meredith," I said.

She smiled again, "Bye Meredith."

"Seeya later,' I told her quietly before walking out the door and pulling it closed behind me. Just then, it hit me… I just invited her to live with me, but I'm still living with my parents and my mother has absolutely already vocalized her dis-like toward Thatcher's other daughter _. Lexie still has a little over a week left in the hospital, maybe more if she tries something again, that's enough time to find an apartment… right?_ Emergency apartment shopping was definitely on the to-do list for today.

* * *

 **And that's the first chapter for you! I've decided to cut down the size of the chapters for this story, which means I can upload more often and have a better chance of catching any mistakes!**

 **Thank you for reading, I hope you enjoyed it!**

 **Review if you feel like it!** **J**


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: I do not own Grey's Anatomy; if I did, we absolutely would have seen more MerDer trailer scenes!**

 **Author's Note: I was entirely surprised by all of the positive feedback I got about the first chapter, thank you all from the bottom of my heart, reading your words made my day again and again. I hope that this chapter doesn't disappoint!**

 **Thanks again for taking a look, I hope that you enjoy it! Review if you want, don't if you don't!**

* * *

Three hours after visiting Lexie, I found myself tucked into a far corner of the cafeteria with a half-eaten, smelly tuna sandwich that was obviously past its expiration date, an empty tray that once served as a vessel for some fries, a near empty bottle of water, and a large coffee in front of me as I scavenged through dozens of apartment listings. Not one of the – what felt like – millions of listings that flew across the lit screen of my laptop would give me the time-frame I needed. I had known going into the search that I would most-likely have no luck finding what I wanted in such a short amount of time, but I couldn't help but hope that maybe for once this week, the universe would be on my side. I was so caught up in my unavailing search that I didn't notice anyone approaching the table until a familiar voice nearly made me jump out of my skin.

"Mind if I join you?" the deep, harmonious voice questioned.

I shook my head, chuckled dryly, smiled, and pulled a hand through my hair, "Be my guest."

"Working on a case?" Derek asked, placing his tray on the table and pulling out a chair to sit in.

Sighing again, I replied, "Trying to find an apartment."

He nodded in sympathy as he chewed a piece of what looked to be the same sandwich I had chosen myself and before either of us could say anything further, his face molded into one of disgust, "This tastes like shit," he mumbled after spitting the glob into his napkin and shoving it to the far side of his tray.

"Sorry," I winced, "I made the same mistake. Should've warned you."

"That's what I get for attempting to eat somewhere other than in my office," he chuckled, picking up his fork to test out his salad as he continued, "So, you're going through with it?" he asked.

"Trying to," I muttered in response, biting my lip for a moment, "I uhhh… I," I began hesitantly, "talked to my mother this morning," I said, hoping beyond hope that what I was about to say wasn't too much for our just-budding friendship.

"You did?" he asked, confusion lacing his voice, "Meredith, you can't do that! I have to be there for any that kind of thing. You can't present a trial to the Chief of Surgery without the lead surgeon!" he finished angrily, definitely more like McDreary than he had been last night.

"Ok, don't revert to asshole Derek right now, please," I said quickly, "Not about that, about the whole Ortho thing," I whispered, because the walls have ears in this place, "I figured it would be better to talk to her individually so she didn't feel like I was bombarding her and flip out," I finished hurriedly, beginning to think that bringing this up wasn't the best choice after all. I mean… I barely know the guy, "Never mind, I shouldn't have brought it up," I groaned, my gaze shifting back toward the laptop resting on the table in front of me, holding apartment listing galore that I wouldn't work out. Maybe this was the other shoe, first Alex cheats and I find out about Lexie and now Derek is still McDreary and I'm out of luck for apartments.

"Meredith, I'm sorry," he whispered after a moment of silence, sincerity replacing the confusion in his voice, "I jumped to conclusions… and I'm sorry. I'm trying, I promise… I'm trying to be… better," he finished, reaching across the table and our things to place a hand on my arm, "I want to hear about the talk with your mom… I don't want you to feel like you can't talk to me."

Sighing for the millionth time, I took a large gulp of coffee. I knew he was trying, the real 'McDreary' wouldn't have apologized, and he probably would have shrugged it off and walked away when I called him an asshole. Derek was now aware of the person he had become and I knew that he was trying to be the man he was last night: the one who was kind-hearted, who laughed, smiled, and smirked, who cared about someone other than himself. It's not something that can happen overnight. 6 years of built-up anger and bitterness doesn't just disappear and I'll have to work on remembering that, "It's ok, I know you're doing your best," I told him, looking him in the eye then releasing my coffee to place my hand on top of his, "So… I told her…" I began

* * *

 _The stairs I had been sure to miss when I came home late last night creaked under my weight with each step I took. My heart was palpitating, almost leaping out of my chest as I reached the bottom and made my way toward the kitchen. I planted myself beneath the door frame, nervous to enter what I expected to become a battle field - this conversation would surely involve some raised voices._

 _I took in the scene before me with a slight smile on my face. My parents sat at the island, dressed up and ready to head into work, they each had half-empty cups of coffee, toast, fruit, and eggs in front of them. Their shoulders touched ever-so-slightly as they conversed about something Dad had read about in the newest addition of the New England Journal of Medicine. Just as I was about to walk in, I couldn't help but contemplate why it was so easy for my Dad to reach such an intimate side of my mother… a side no one else, not even myself – her own flesh and blood could._

 _"_ _Surgeons don't cower in doorways, Meredith," my mother's voice sliced through my thoughts, "Come get some breakfast, there's coffee left as well," she added, failing to turn and look at me._

 _Walking into the kitchen, I cleared my throat, "Mother, I have to talk to you about something. It's very important and I would appreciate it if you would listen," I continued as I came to the opposite side of the island, poured myself a cup of coffee and turned to meet the gaze of my parents… Dad's knowing and stern, Mom's simply confused._

 _"_ _Well make it quick, your father and I have to leave soon," she responded, lifting her black mug to take a sip of coffee._

 _I nodded, fiddling with the handle of my coffee mug and taking a deep breath, "I would like to transfer specialties," I began and just as she was about to interrupt, I continued, "I want to transfer to Neurology."_

 _"_ _No," my mother replied sternly, "I did not work so hard for so long just for you to…"_

 _"_ _This isn't about you," I matched her stern tone, "This is about me. About what I want and what I need in my life. My life. Not yours. I wasn't asking, I was telling. By the end of the week, I will no longer be an orthopedic resident, I will be a neurology resident," I finished strong and turned to the cupboards beside the refrigerator to grab a travel mug._

 _"_ _You don't know what you want, Meredith. You're young, you've got a lot to learn," she replied once more as I transferred the contents of one mug to the other and screwed the lid on snuggly._

 _"_ _You're right, I do have a lot to learn," I began, grabbing a banana and a granola bar from the jar beside the coffee maker, "I have to learn how to deal with a cheating fiancé. I have to learn how to deal with a mother who only gives a crap about me when it comes to work," I continued, turning, leaning against the counter with my palms placed firmly on top and looking her in the eye, "I have to learn how to become the best neurosurgeon I can be and if you're not going to let me, I'll have to transfer somewhere I am able to," I told her seriously, "This is all that I want from you… to switch to the specialty I am passionate about," I continued, and as I thought back to my conversation with Derek last night, I knew exactly what to say," The human brain holds the entirety of who we are and if that were to be jeopardized, none of the other specialties would matter. We only have one brain… there's no hope for a new one if we need it. Taking care of the brain, figuring out how to fix it… that's the dream. That's my dream," I said, smiling sadly at her._

 _The internal war that was blazing within her was evident as we made eye contact and a sour look made its way to her face as my dad was smiling next to her, "Fine," she conceded sternly, "I'll process the paperwork today. Meredith, I appreciate your ability to fight for what you want and I hope this isn't a mistake."_

 _"_ _Ellis," Richard mumbled from his seat next to her, only to be silenced by a stern look his way._

 _"_ _If I do this, however, you will need to move out," she finished and though I wanted to know why this was the event that made her tell me to leave, I was almost relieved. She may have seen this as a form of punishment… but it was the exact opposite, "You have until the end of the month to secure another option."_

 _"_ _Ok," I said firmly, though I hate to admit, I was a bit heart-broken, "That won't be a problem, Chief," I responded, admittedly slightly sarcastically, "I'll see you at work," I said finally as I slipped my arms into my coat, grabbed my bag, my coffee, and my breakfast to race out the door_

* * *

"You called your mother, Chief?" Derek asked, seemingly in disbelief. I glared at him and a sheepish look crossed his face immediately, "Sorry… not the point. I can't believe she kicked you out. I mean, I know you were planning to move out anyway, but still," he said shaking his head, before tilting it slightly and giving me a sad smile, rubbing circles in my arm with his thumb.

"Right? I mean, most mothers beg their kids to stay," I snorted, "The worst part was that she said that she respected my ability to fight for myself, but she still kicked me out because I didn't fight for what she wanted me to," I continue angrily, "and now not only do I definitely have to find a place, I have to find a place in a week because I told Lexie she could stay with me when she gets discharged! I have been looking and looking and there's no way I'll ever be able to find one in just a week. Why do I do this to myself? Why do I have to make everything so damn complicated?!" I nearly shouted, drawing attention from nearby tables. I dropped my head into my hands.

Derek sighed audibly as he moved his chair closer and rubbed his hand up and down my back methodically, "I'm proud of you," he whispered, "That might not mean anything coming from a man who only really got to know you last night, but I am. You stood up for what you wanted… what you needed to live out your passion – to your mother no less. That takes balls, Meredith. You accomplished that… you can accomplish anything."

Picking my head up, I smiled at him and though I knew that I should say something in return, I couldn't manage anything but a weak, "Thanks."

He shook his head, still smiling, his blue eyes sparkling, "Anytime," he whispered back, "As for the apartment situation…" he began hesitantly, "I may have a solution."

"I'm up for anything at this point, hit me," I said, reaching to take another sip of my coffee.

"So, first of all I live in a trailer a large plot of land on Bainbridge Island," he attempted to begin.

"You live in a trailer?" I asked skeptically, "You… Derek Shepherd, a surgeon worth millions… live in a trailer?" I continued, giggling a little.

He glared at me, "Yes… I live in a trailer," he mocked slightly, "but that's not the point. The point is, I have acres of open land. So if you want to, you could just buy a trailer and live there for a while," he offered and my eyes surely nearly bugged out of my head.

"You… you're serious? You would just… let us live on your land?" I asked, shocked, "I mean, I've never even really been in a trailer, but…" I trailed off, contemplating his offer.

"It's nothing like camping, if that's what you're thinking," Derek offered politely, "The trailers that are on the market are technically portable apartments. If you're at all interested, you could head over after your shift tonight and take a look. I won't charge you for the land, you'll just have to pay to get the electricity and plumbing out there and I know a guy who can get you a decent deal on it," he continued confidently, "Even if you find a trailer tomorrow, you could be settled in just a couple days."

I was shell-shocked, I couldn't believe that he was offering me a piece of his land. That he was offering to be my neighbor… or, well, for me to be his, "Are you sure? I mean you said so yourself, we barely know each other. How do you know you can trust me enough? How do I know you won't cart me off into the woods and hack me into pieces with your ax?" I asked seriously, causing him to laugh.

"I'm sure," he stated through his laughter, "Meredith, do you really think I'm a murderer?" he questioned and I shrugged, causing him to chuckle even more, "Come by tonight, 7 pm, and I'll give you a tour and some pizza."

I sighed heavily, shook my head a let out a groan, "You're kind of my favorite person ever right now, you know?"

"Oh really?" he asked, raising his eyebrows.

"Really," I smirked, "Thank you so much… for everything," I said softly as I shifted closer and draped my arms around his neck, pulling him into a hug… one that he retaliated.

"Don't thank me yet, you haven't seen the trailer," his warm breath tickled my neck as he chuckled and squeezed me close, "You're more than welcome. I have to run and check on a patient," he continued as he pulled away, "but I'll see you in the Chief's office in a couple hours."

"Seeya then," I smiled, my smile growing wider in thanks as he grabbed his garbage and my own before making his way out of the cafeteria. So far he was doing pretty well with the anti-McDreary plan.

* * *

After the meeting Meredith and I had with her mother today, I was more than thrilled for the weeks to come. She had fully bought into Meredith's idea for the trial and was over the moon that I was willing to finally lead one. There is not a more amazing feeling than when life seems to finally be falling into place. In this moment, I know it is safe to say that I haven't been happier in years and I attribute the feeling mostly to Meredith… her support and her friendship in just the past couple days has been more than enough to kick my ass further up the whole I had somehow dug myself into.

As I stepped onto the elevator to head toward the trailer, I was surprised to see a familiar face that I had some-how managed to avoid in the recent days. Before I even had the chance to think about anything, I could feel my demeanor changing, but this time, something in me fought it. I don't know if it was the excitement of the trial or the feeling of finally being free, but I forced myself to keep from moving further into the dark depths of myself and even found myself muttering, "Hello, Addison," without a lace of emotion in my voice.

"Derek," she said in surprise, "Hi," shifting back and forth on her feet awkwardly.

There was a tense silence that hung in the air for a moment before she went to speak again, only for me to cut her off, "I don't want to hear how sorry you are," I said simply, "because I know that you'd only be saying it to make yourself feel better. Addison, I know that you're relieved that I finally know everything. Or at least I think I know everything... it's always hard to say with you," I chuckled ironically, "I will never forgive you for cheating on me with Mark… twice…. And for months both times. I'll never forgive you for letting me believe that baby was mine and them ripping that away from me," I began, finding myself reverting slightly to what Meredith would deem, 'McDreary-ness'.

She whipped her head toward me and glared, "I didn't take anything from you, you never wanted this baby and don't pretend that you ever did now that you know it isn't yours," she snarled.

"I did," I said, raising my voice, "I did want that baby, Addison."

"Bullshit," she said simply, "If you had wanted this baby, you would have been here… you wouldn't have been living in that stupid trailer in the middle of nowhere!"

"I didn't stay in the trailer because I didn't want the baby," I scoffed, "I stayed in that trailer because I didn't want you. Because the only thing that ever crossed my mind when I saw you was that you cheated on me with my best friend… and every time I came home, I was afraid that another man would be in bed with you. I loved that baby from the second you told me… because I thought it was a part of me, because I could never imagine not loving something that I had helped create," I finished with a snap.

"So what?" she asked tauntingly, "Now that you know it isn't yours you don't care about it? You suddenly don't love it anymore?" I knew she was baiting me, but I still took it.

"No," I stated simply, "because I never fell in love with the baby you and Mark made, I fell in love with the baby you and I made. A baby that I would raise, a little girl or little boy that I would teach to ride a bike, play baseball with, take to dance classes and piano lessons. I fell in love with a baby that was my own and the moment you told me it wasn't mine, that dream died," I replied honestly.

"You know?" she asked, tears lacing her voice, "I'm so glad it's over, because I want all of that… I really do, but the only person I can picture that with now is Mark. Honestly, I'm relieved. And you won't have to worry about us bothering you anymore, Mark and I are moving back to New York."

"Good, because after 6 years of hell, six years of wondering if I would find you with another man and wondering if I still loved you, I'm relieved too," I stated as the elevator gave a chime and the doors began to part, "I sincerely hope that you're happy in New York… good night, Addison," I finished, before walking out.

In a sense I felt guilty, she was right after all, that baby she was carrying was the same one I used to carry the ultrasound picture of, but that baby isn't mine. That baby has a dad and a mom and that's all that matters. What I told Addison is true too though, the moment I found out the baby wasn't mine, it was like it died for, because as crappy and non-existent as my relationship with Addison was, I was becoming excited at the prospect of becoming a dad, but now that's all out the window for now and it's a little hard to deal with.

* * *

It was a few minutes before 7 when I heard the crunching of gravel outside my door as the tires churned their way up to the trailer and the head lights of a car illuminated the inside. I got up from my relaxed position on the couch, placed the book I had been reading, 'The Sun Also Rises', (my favorite- one that I've read many times) on my nightstand, and reached into the small refrigerator to grab a couple beers and pop them open. As I made my way toward the door and swung it open, I heard the car door slam shut. I finally made out Meredith's form in the dark and smiled, "You're punctuality is impressive, Dr. Grey," I spoke softly, causing Meredith to giggle.

"Why thank you Dr. Shepherd," she responded, stepping up onto the deck, "So this is it? This is where you live?" she asked, a smile still gracing her face as she fought the urge to laugh a bit.

"You better not laugh, you might be living here soon, too," I chuckled, placing a beer in her hand.

"Thanks," she said as she wrapped her hand around the cold beverage, "Well, it's cute," she said innocently.

"Did you just call my trailer cute?" I asked, with faux offense lacing my voice, "Trailer is masculine and rugged… trailers are not cute."

"Yes," she giggled, "they are, or… well yours is," she continued before taking a swig of her beer.

I simply shook my head and chuckled, "You want some pizza to go with that?" I asked, opening the metal door to the trailer and gesturing inside.

She smiled deviously, "I never say no to pizza," and made her way through the doorway.

"Well, good," I chuckled, following her inside and moving the short distance to place my beer on the counter and grab the pizza from the oven where it was being kept warm, "You can just throw your stuff on the couch," I told her with a smile, "I hope you're not one of those weird people who doesn't like peperoni," I said jokingly.

"Are you kidding me?" she questioned, shrugging off her coat and throwing it over the arm of the couch before moving toward me, "Do you want me to grab anything?"

I turned to smile at her, "Nope, you can look around if you want, while I get the table set up."

She simply smiled back and grabbed her beer from the table again, "Do non-peperoni overs even exist?" she asked, moving toward the opposite end of the trailer, looking in all the nooks and crannies.

"I hope not," I joked, reaching into a cupboard above the sink to grab a couple paper plates.

"You have a washer and dryer in here?! They're so tiny! I didn't even know this was a thing!" her voice echoed through the small trailer.

I couldn't help but laugh at her surprise and awe, "They don't all come with it; it depends on what you're looking for."

As she moved back toward me, there was still a smile on her face and as we both took a place at the tiny table to the left of the refrigerator with the pizza, napkins, two plates, and two beers between us, she giggled, "It really is cute," as she reached for a slice.

I rolled my eye ever-so slightly as I swallowed a bit of pizza, "I'm glad you think so. So, does that mean you're sold?" I asked curiously.

She scrunched her nose in thought as she chewed a bite of her own pizza, "I think so. You're still sure about this, right? You can take back your offer at any time." She said hesitantly, reaching for her beer.

"Of course I'm sure," I said with a wink and a smile, "Now that you know you like it, we'll have to work on finding you your own trailer… with room enough for the both you and Lexie," I added realistically.

She nodded in agreement before her eyes suddenly got wide, "There aren't bears out here… are there?" she asked.

I chuckled, "It's the middle of the woods, Meredith. Yes, there are bears, but they typically stay away," I offered, grabbing for another slice of pizza.

"Define typically," she demanded, wiping her greasy hand on a napkin.

"Meredith, you'll be fine. I've been living out here for a couple years now and I haven't had any problems. As long as you make sure you don't leave any food outside, you should be golden," I smiled at her, "Besides, I'll be right next door," I winked.

"Right, ok… so besides the bear thing, I'm absolutely sold," she stated with a hesitant laugh.

"Good," I smirked he way, "I can't believe we actually got her to approve the trial," I spoke whimsically after a few minutes of us eating quietly, shaking my head.

"Right?" she sighed, "I went in there fully expecting World War III to break out, but she was so calm and she accepted it so fast, I could hardly believe it"

"You know, I was nervous going in there because she had been breathing down my throat for so long, but you knocked it out of the park with you presentation. She would have been insane to say no to that," I told her honestly.

"Derek," Meredith told me softly, "My mother adores you, she practically thinks you walk on water. You probably think I'm joking, but she found out about you when you were a resident and she followed your work until you got to Seattle Grace."

"Wow… I…" I didn't know how to respond. I was struck by the fact that Ellis Grey had seen potential in me even as a resident… without knowing who I was and in this moment I was more than grateful to Meredith for telling me. In some odd way, it reminded me of the person I used to be. The guy who had such high, inexplicable hopes for the future that made people roll their eyes and call him crazy. It made me wonder where that person had gone. The innovator, the risk taker, the life-saver. Suddenly, I found myself striving to get back to that and more excited than ever, "Thank you," I said softly, "That's oddly what I needed to hear," I continued, returning her smile.

"I'm glad," she giggled, "but I have to admit that it's a little gross my mother has a surgery-crush on you."

I groaned, "When you say it that way, I just wanna throw-up," I chuckled in a whine that caused her to laugh louder.

"This is what I'm saying," she laughed, her bright green eyes sparkling with wetness, "Thanks for having me over and letting me look around. I really appreciate your help."

"Of course," I whispered, leaning back against my chair.

We went on to talk for what felt like just a few minutes but in all actuality turned into hours and in those hours, I felt more comfortable that I had in the last few years with Addison. It was amazing to be able to just talk to someone and not have to worry about anything… not have to worry that they didn't care or didn't want to be there. It was nice to feel like a normal guy talking to a friend and not the guy whose wife cheated on him with his best-friend… twice and then ran off with him.

Life can be crazy and unpredictable and just when you think you found the last piece to the puzzle, everything changes and suddenly nothing fits together anymore. But then you find that person who fixes up the edges a bit and makes you see that it's possible for a few to fit again and suddenly there's hope.

* * *

 **Thanks again to everyone who reviewed Chapter 1, I was so touched by how many of you loved it so much and I can't thank you enough for the compliments and encouragements!**


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: I do not own Grey's Anatomy; if I did we would have some fluffy MerDer family Christmas scenes to drool over.**

 **Author's Note:**  
 **I wanted to clarify a couple things because a reviewer very kindly pointed out a couple of inconsistencies between the story and the show. (I really do appreciate that you care enough to let me know! :)**

 **1) I did initially make the mistake of saying Meredith was on general and realized it was Cardio in the show, but rather than change it... I decided to keep it that way. First of all because I couldn't see Callie in any field other than Ortho (it's just too perfect!) and also because I've always thought that Meredith should have more experience in Ortho.**

 **2) As for the whole Webber/Grey thing... that was a complete oversight and I'm sorry! This is the first story I've written in which Meredith isn't Meredith Grey and I'll most-likely stick with Grey for this one as well. That might be an interesting thing to touch upon later. ;)**

 **Thank you again for letting me know you noticed this stuff!**

 **And thank you for stickin' with me, I'm sorry it's been a while… life has been a little crazy! I hope that you enjoy! Review if you want, don't if you don't! :)**

* * *

Love never hurts; it's the guilt, the regret, the mistakes, and the betrayal. Loving Alex was easy, it was enjoyable, and it was the best feeling in the world… until it wasn't. When someone crawls into the dark abyss that is cheating, it's rare that they're ever able to scratch and claw their way out. Most-likely because they loved their partner, but they didn't love them enough. Their love was superficial.

Love is like a puzzle, you start with the edges and work your way in, maybe piecing together some of the internal image, but never with more than a couple pieces. When you're with someone… you figure out what they're life is like, you fall in love with what you see of them and what they let you know. Then, as time crawls on, you work to fall in love with them viscerally. You know them inside and out, from every angle… maybe even better than they know themselves. The problem is… some people stop at the edges, they think it's enough, they think they get the general idea of what the full picture will be. In my mind… it's those people who cheat; the ones that settle for the edges and don't fight to love someone fully. Alex and I only found the edges.

It had been 6 weeks since the day after we had gotten engaged… 6 weeks since he had been caught in an exam room with April. In those weeks I had failed to look either of them in the eye or acknowledge any of the many pleads for forgiveness. My conscience told me I was being absurd and was echoed nearly daily by Derek, who I had determined was technically my conscience by now. I was able to pride myself in the fact that I was moving on and dwelling on the past less and less with every week that went by. My blood didn't boil when I saw them together anymore and my heart remained at a normal rhythm when he walked in the room. I ceased to feel love for him… I had reached the point of no longer hating him as well as April, but that didn't stop the ache once in a while when I imagined what I thought we once had.

Today was one of those once in a while days and the ache I felt only intensified as I overheard the nurses talking this morning as I reviewed my patient's chart. I doubt they knew I was there; three of them stood in a circle, leaning up against the edge of the nurse's station as I sat in an office chair, hidden by a computer on the other side.

"Did you hear?" whispered the short, blonde one, "Dr. Kepner's pregnant and it's Karev's kid."

"What?!" Debbie, my personal favorite, whispered back, "Are you sure this isn't just some fabricated rumor?"

The brunette eating gobstoppers spoke up last, "That's adorable! A little doctor baby!" she swooned.

"It's not adorable," Debbie snapped, "If it is true, not that we know for sure, then it would have to mean she got pregnant around the time Karev cheated on Dr. Grey and I for one am a much bigger fan of her than the majority of her year," Debbie shook her head, "Now I suggest that the both of you get back to work, do something beneficial to this hospital, and stop it with the gossip," she finished firmly and turned away.

For the first time in weeks, my heart began to thump wildly in chest as if it were trying to break free from the confines of my chest, my palms got sweaty, and my eyes began to burn. April was pregnant. With Alex's baby. I didn't want a baby. I didn't even want Alex… so why was I freaking out, why was this such a big freaking deal to me?

I slammed the chart closed quickly and nearly jumped out of my chair before running to the nearest supply closet and scanning the room hurriedly before sinking to the floor in front of a wire rack. Pulling my knees to my chest, running my hands through my hair, and holding my face in my hands… I attempted to take a large deep breath, but failed miserably. With little to no thought, I fumbled with my pager – I needed Derek.

Mere minutes later, the door burst open to reveal Derek, "Why'd you page me 911 to a supply closet? I swear, Meredith if this is supposed to be payback for that…" he trailed off as his eyes came to rest on mine.

"Derek," I croaked.

His face morphed from that of a smiling one to one of worry as he crouched down next to me and placed a hand on my shoulder, "Meredith, what is it? What happened?"

One tear made it way down my cheek, then another and before I knew it, Derek was holding me firmly against his chest. My cheek pressed against his sternum as my tears created puddles on his navy blue scrubs and my ears picked up the rhythmic sound of his heart beating. I didn't say a word. He didn't say a word. We sat in that supply closet, his arm rubbing my back methodically, with only the hum of the bustling hospital outside the door until the tears stopped flowing and I took a few shuddery breaths. Pulling my head from his chest reluctantly, I used one hand to wipe the tears from my face as the other remained locked in his firm, supportive grip before allowing our eyes to meet and sending a small smile his way.

In a second, he returned my smile, his eyes shining brightly as he tilted his head in that way that makes all of the nurses and patients melt at his feet, "Wanna talk about it?" he asked softly, squeezing my hand.

"Not really," I groaned, my voice low and scratchy from crying. Sighing heavily, I let my head fall back against the rack behind us, still making eye contact, "Alex is having a baby… with April."

His facial expression melted into disbelief, "Oh, Meredith," he whispered, shaking his head.

I ran a hand through my hair, tucking the free strands behind my ear, "I don't… I don't know why this is upsetting me so much," I began, shaking my head in frustration, "It's been almost two months since I found out about them and I… I don't want a baby, I'm not ready for that and I sure as hell don't want Alex," I sputtered angrily, "I guess, I don't know. I always thought I would be there for April when she her first baby, you know? We were best friends for so long… I always knew that she would be a mom someday and if the situation were different… if none of this crap with Alex had happened, I would be over the moon for her. But how?" I moaned, my breath hitching slightly, "How am I supposed to be happy for the person who slept with my fiancé. I know that it was for the best, Alex and I were not meant to get married, but the fact that my best friend had a relationship with him behind my back is just… it's just…"

"Dirty and cruel," he finished tenderly, "I know the feeling," he smirked sadly.

I nodded slowly, "I know you do," I whispered in response, smiling at him softly, "That's why I needed you," I sighed, stating simply.

Derek's smile went from sad to tender and we sat together in silence for a couple more minutes before his voice pierced the air once more, "You ok now?" he asked as I took one last deep breath.

"I am," I replied firmly, "I'm ok, thank you."

"Alright," Derek stated enthusiastically, "Let's go do this thing," he pulled himself from the floor and stuck out a hand. Sighing once more, I grabbed for his hand reluctantly, pulling myself up with a little unnecessary but appreciated assistance from Derek.

"Shake it off!" he roared, wiggling his body in an odd way that appeared to be a combination of a seizure and a dog shaking water from its fur, as he moved toward the door and reached for the knob.

"Please, don't ever do that again," I laughed, slightly mortified. Tears - of laughter rather than frustration and sadness this time - built up in my eyes as he did it again with a loud chuckle and a weird look on his face before walking out as if nothing had happened.

* * *

It had been nearly an hour since Meredith had paged me to the supply closet. And as my luck would have it, Karev and I happened to be working on a very delicate case together this week. A little girl, no more than four years old had cancer that had progressed to her brain and required an extensive and aggressive surgery. One that Karev, being the patient's Pediatric surgical resident, would be present for.

As much as I was enjoying the friendships I had formed in the past few weeks, I was beginning to think that things were a heck of a lot simpler when I wasn't involved in the personal lives of my fellow co-workers. One perk of being known, hospital-wide, as an asshole.

Scrubbing in next to Karev, I tried my hardest to focus on nothing more than the task at hand, however that proved difficult when the cheater spoke up only moments after I has begun the time-consuming task of scrubbing, "I should've known she would have bounced back fast, I just didn't expect her to jump the first guy who looked her way," he mumbled, fire in his voice as he spoke.

"Excuse me, Dr. Karev?" I asked sharply, full-well knowing what he was accusing Meredith and myself of.

"I'm just sayin'," he shrugged, falsely nonchalant, "You'd think someone who claimed to love you would take a break before jumping into bed with someone, Dude I saw you guys coming out of a supply closet with shit-eating grins on your faces. I know you're new to this whole thing, but when you bang in the hospital, don't leave the room together."

The anger that had been stirring from the moment he had opened his mouth bubbled to the surface, "You don't have any right to do that," I roared, "You have a right to judge her, or question her actions. You lost that right the moment you hopped into bed with her best friend. Not only did you destroy your relationship with her… you destroyed a friendship that had lasted years before you got your grubby little paws on it. Meredith Grey is hurt and confused, but she is strong, stronger than you have ever realized because you were too busy banging another woman while she was trying to build a future with you. She's over you, you've got that right, but she is not over what you did to her, that kind of damage takes years to repair, " my voice grew in intensity, but not in volume as I scrubbed my arms harshly, "Meredith and I are friends, really good friends and you saw us coming out of that supply closet together today because she had found out about your adulterous love child and needed someone who understood her," I finished, shutting off the water, "Good luck with the kid, I hope it doesn't grow up to be as promiscuous as its parents," I snapped, looking toward him pointedly before sliding my mask over my face, and making my way into the OR – realizing everyone had been staring at us through the glass, "What are you looking at? We have a surgery to perform," I snapped.

The atmosphere in my OR hadn't been so tense since the last time Addison and I had performed a surgery together and it was one that I surely had not missed.

Just as I was about to leave the scrub room, completely lost in thought, a voice snapped me out of it, "Dr. Shepherd?" it was the voice of my scrub nurse, I couldn't seem to remember her name, but I did recall that it was some sort of flower or something along those lines.

I turned, "What?" I snapped, the sour mood lingering.

The nurse's eyes got wide, like a deer in the headlights and she stuttered before spitting out, "I just… uhhh, are you… you know… are you ok?" she asked innocently, chewing the side of her mouth.

A hint of guilt built up within, but just a hint as I took in the flustered look on her face, "I'm fine," I spoke, a little less angrily, keeping an edge to my voice before turning back and hurtling out the door. The last thing I wanted to do was spew my guts to someone who was notorious for gossiping especially when experiencing, what Meredith would call, an extreme bout of McDreary-ness.

* * *

The trial I had cultivated had officially begun this week with a lot of help from Derek. Thus far, we had operated on two people, the serum failing both times, however with each failure came greater discoveries and as defeated as we were over our early losses, we were excited for the future of this trial. Our biggest obstacle was finding the correct cocktail… the right combination of substances that would shrink this monster of a tumor and increase the life-span of our patients. I had vowed not to forget all of the people who lost their lives in the process and hoped Derek would do the same.

"Mrs. Wilde, I appreciate your willingness to be a part of this trial, but I need you to know the risks you're walking into," I began softly, from my seat on the edge of the bed the mother of two young boys was sitting in, "there's a very real chance that this surgery will…"

"Dr. Grey," Wilde interrupted tenderly, almost motherly, "My boys are scared of me. I say the first thing that comes to my mind, sometimes things that I don't mean, but they don't understand that. All they understand is that Mommy told them to shut-up or Mommy doesn't like them today," she continued, her voice crackling as her eyes filled to the brim with tears – a dam about to burst, "I already lost my life," she hiccupped, "and you're my only chance to get it back. So please, Dr. Grey, believe me when I say that I know what the risks are, but I would rather die trying to get back to my old life than live my last days tormenting my kids and my husband."

My eyes burned as I felt tears begin to form behind them - this was her only hope, "Ok," I whispered in response, reaching to squeeze her hand in comfort and receiving a firm grip back, "Why don't you get some rest, a nurse will be in shortly to bring you up for one last MRI," I smiled at her just a bit and made my way out the door.

"Thank you," her soft voice reached across the room, "For giving me a chance to fight for my life."

I couldn't think of let alone form words to say to her in that moment, so I simply nodded and smiled sadly once more before crossing the threshold and closing the door behind me delicately. In that moment, it hit me more than ever. These were people's lives that we were juggling. They had families and friends and they were putting their lives in our hands for one last chance to return to normal with the people that mattered most. It's a lot for a couple surgeons to hold on their shoulders – how do people go years dealing with this reality?

My thoughts were interrupted by vibrations from the pocket of my scrubs, "Hey, Lex," I spoke, bringing my phone to my ear, "Aren't you supposed to be working?"

"I have the day off," she said cheerfully, "and I'm out buying candles for the trailer because it still smells like a musty homeless guy and don't try to tell me it doesn't, Mer, I lived on the streets for two weeks, trust me – I would know," she finished dryly. Lexie had accomplished a lot in the past six weeks and I was beyond proud of her. After coming home to the new trailer on Derek's land and healing up well she had found a job in a little coffee shop called 'Lattés 'O Love' just a couple blocks from the hospital and even decided to enroll in Gen-Ed classes at Seattle Central College. Due to the fact that it was already October, she wouldn't be able to start until the second semester rolled around, but we agreed that it would be good for her to have some time to make some money and work on her personal life. Her outlook on life in general had already begun to transform since I first met her in the hospital and she had made the surprising decision to chop off her dreads, parting with the long locks that took years to grow and falling in love with the cutest short hair-style I had seen yet. Lexie was making larger strides than I thought possible and it made my heart leap to know she was finally finding happiness again.

I nearly resisted the urge to roll my eyes at her insistence, but failed, "Lex, it's an expensive trailer, I highly doubt there were any actual homeless guys in it," I laughed as I set Mrs. Wilde's file on the counter in front of me, paging through to double-check my work, "I am glad you're doing something about that smell though, I think it's seeping into my clothes," I muttered, scrunching my nose."

"Just like homeless guy stink would," Lexi defended with giggle, "Anyway, I was wondering if you wanted me to pick anything up while I'm out."

Once more, I rolled my eyes, "Whatever you say, sweetie," I mocked before snapping, "Oh! Coffee, Folgers Dark Roast, not that Breakfast Blend crap. I won't be home for dinner tonight, Derek and I are meeting at Joe's after work so maybe something for dinner for yourself," I rattled off quickly as I noticed Derek bolt around the corner, a pissed off look plastered on his face while he turned to look for a patient chart.

"Frist of all, Breakfast Blend is not crap. Second… again?" she asked with a laugh, "Why don't you guys just make it official already… date the man, Meredith," she pleaded.

"Lexie, it's not like that and you know it," I groaned, "Derek and I are friends, good friends… that's it. Neither of us is ready for a relationship," I stated firmly, continuing to look on as Derek became even more agitated, "Look, Lex, I've got to go, I'll let you know when I'm on my way home."

"Ok!" she said brightly, and I heard rustling in the background along with what I could have sworn was a man's voice before she finished, "Love you, seeya later."

"Love you too, Lex," I answered softly, before hanging up, "Looking for this?" I asked Derek, waving Wilde's chart toward him.

He simply glared at me and walked my way, almost ripping it out of my hands, "How long did you watch me look for the damn thing?" he snapped, whipping it open, the top slapping against the counter forcefully.

"Woah, what the hell is your problem?" I asked, matching his tone.

"I don't have a problem," he growled, eyes fixated on the chart.

I huffed a chuckle, "Whatever you say, McAss. Seriously, Derek," I said, staring at him with an eyebrow raised.

"Stop giving me the look," he muttered.

"What look?"

"That look!" he said, moving his head to look me in the eyes for the first time, "The one you always give me when you're being stubborn."

"I'm not being the stubborn one here, you are," I argued, "Do you want to cancel tonight? Maybe you just need a good night of sleep, I know this trial has been really time-consuming, I'm sorry…"

"No!" he said urgently, "I don't want to cancel tonight… I just," he sighed roughly and pulled his hand through his curly locks, "You're ex-fiancé is an asshole, that's all. End of story."

"Derek…. please tell me you did not talk to him about the thing," I pleaded.

His eyes got wider and his voice held a defensive tone, "I wasn't going to, but then he started talking about you and I just… I lost it, Mer," he said, shaking his head, his angry demeanor deflating, "Shit," he groaned, "I think I snapped at my scrub nurse too," he groaned, putting his head in his hands.

"You don't have to fight for me," I said sternly, "I can take care of myself, Derek. And as for your scrub nurse, you better get your ass to wherever the hell she is and apologize, you don't want the woman who hands you sharp instruments all day to hold a grudge against you. Buy some chocolate from the gift shop or something, she's obsessed with candy," I demanded, "And don't worry about checking up on Mrs. Wilde, already done," I finished as my pager went off. Grabbing the chart from his hands, I shoved it back in its place and ran off in the other direction.

* * *

Meredith had been right, more so than I would like to admit. She was fully capable of taking care of herself and I knew that, but she wasn't there to do it in the scrub room earlier today and I wouldn't have been able to live with myself if I hadn't said something in her defense. Besides, Karev doesn't strike me as the type of person who would have the balls to say something like that to her face. As for the scrub nurse issue… I found myself paging her to my office a few hours after lunch.

A knock sounded at the door as I flitted through the piles of paperwork from the trial at my desk, "Come in!" I said.

"You paged?" a tentative voice came from the door frame.

Glancing up, I smiled softly before getting up and rounding my desk to sit on the far edge, "I did," I began hesitantly, "Look… um."

"Rose," she offered, "My name's Rose, I've been your scrub nurse for two years."

I grunted a dark chuckle, shaking my head slightly, a small smile still on my face, "I'm sorry, Rose. I just wanted to apologize for earlier today, I was upset and I took it out on you too. I shouldn't have talked to you the way I did, and I'm sorry."

Rose smiled back at me, shoving a hand in her pocket, "Thank you, Dr. Shepherd, I appreciate it."

"You've been my scrub nurse for years, you deserve it," I chuckled, shifting to cross my ankles, "Would you like to meet me at Joe's tomorrow night around 8? The least I can do is buy you around for dealing with my crap all this time."

"I'd love that," Rose smiled even wider, shifting awkwardly against the doorframe and rubbing her hand on the pant leg of her scrubs.

"Great, I'll see you then," I smiled, "Have a good evening."

"You too," she stuttered, before smiling a bit forcefully and turning around, nearly running over Owen Hunt as she left my office.

I fought the urge to chuckle by shaking my head before sending her the remaining smile as she turned toward me and blushed before bolting around the corner.

"What was that about?" Dr. Hunt asked curiously, sitting in a chair across from me.

"Oh, just fixing a mistake," I muttered with a slightly dark chuckle, glancing up at him quickly as I sorted through the mountains that plagued my desk.

"You might want to tell her that's all you're doing," he huffed a chuckle.

I chuckled as I realized what he was hinting at, before my face crumbled into one of apprehension, "You don't think… she didn't think I was asking her out, did she?"

"Judging by the glazed look in her eyes and the blushing, I'd say… yeah, most definitely," he nodded with a smirk, grabbing a tiny, rubber, toy basketball from the basket near my desk and twisting to shoot it into the hoop hanging from my closet on the other side of the room.

"No, there's no way," I said stubbornly, "I didn't even hit on her. I just apologized for being an asshole earlier."

"Whatever man, all I'm saying is that she's got the hots for you," he insisted, reaching to grab another ball.

"I'll just tell her I took you out for an apology round too… how do I sneak that into a conversation without blatantly denying her?" I asked, leaning back in my chair and swiveling back and forth.

He chuckled again, "That might just make her think you swing both ways."

"Why do I put up with your shit?" I asked him, reaching into my drawer to grab a mint.

"Because you were an asshole to everyone here for years and alienated anyone who would want to be your friend and Grey and I are the only ones stupid enough to hang out with you now," he said with a shrug before smirking at me, "What do you need a mint for? Are you gonna go find a scrub nurse to kiss?"

"Get out of my office," I laughed, "Don't you have a job to do?"

I spent the next few hours held up in my office attempting to make sense of the clutter and paperwork that was piled all too high on my desk. My mind kept wondering back to my conversation with Rose as I hoped she hadn't taken my olive branch the wrong way. She was a very nice woman, but I was nowhere near ready for a relationship. Everything that had happened was still too fresh. After all, it hadn't even been a full month since my divorce had been finalized.

Glancing at my watch, I packed some things into my briefcase and got ready to leave for the night. Meredith would be expecting me and most likely an explanation for today at Joe's in about 15 minutes. The past few weeks have been spent in an attempt to build a better reputation with everyone in the hospital because - as Owen said - I was an asshole to them for years. However, despite how hard I tried, Karev brought out a part of me that looked a lot like that person I was trying so hard not to be today and I didn't exactly know how I was supposed to look Meredith in the eye and tell her that I let the man who destroyed her get into my head.

* * *

 **Thanks for reading and sorry again for such a long wait!**

 **I hope you enjoyed this chapter; review if you want!**

 **I was overwhelmed yet again by all of your amazingly kind reviews for Chapter 2, thank you so much for taking the time!**

 ***The names of the people in Meredith and Derek's clinical trial in this story will not always match those of the patients in the show.***


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Grey's Anatomy, I just get ideas from bits of the show, run with them and then fall face first sometimes and don't get back up for a few months.**

 **Author's Note:**

 **A year?! Has it really been that long? I have to say, I never expected to be away for so long. Hell, I never expected to write more than a couple chapters of TINTE but I made it into the teens! I must say, I may have screwed myself over with that one, I was going to end it and then I had a burst of a storyline ignite and now I'm all blocked up about how to end it, how to stay true to the story I'm trying to tell with that one and how to make it feel tied up and not let anyone down! I truly value every single person who has even glanced at TINTE and this budding story. I had vowed to put Puzzle Pieces aside until I had finished the other, but my oh my is that not turning out well!**

 **I am very sorry, and I appreciate those of you who have popped up in the reviews since then wondering how I'm doing, if I'm ok, etc. I AM OK. I was stuck on TINTE for a long while and then life happened. But I'm coming back around. I've learned over the course of crafting these stories not to force it. If I sit down and the words flow and the storyline is trucking along and I can feel it in my bones that it's a good one, I continue. I post updates every week or every few days. However, if I'm not quite sure on storylines, character, where I want to go next, or how it ties into to my theme, it's a stalemate.**

 **I have also learned not to promise any sort of updating schedule. Because to be honest, after publishing this chapter it could be between a day and a year before the next one hits the site. I'm my least favorite kind of author, cue the hair-pulling and an abundance of apologies.**

 **So again thank you so much for all of your reviews, it really does mean the world and sometimes, as I've said before, it's the jumpstart I need. The motivation that shows me that I might not be the best, but people like it and they enjoy my writing! I literally cannot thank you guys enough. THANK YOU.**

 **Read. Review. Hopefully enjoy.**

* * *

 _Forgiveness, oh forgiveness. What a wretchedly, wonderful concept. Trapping it is at times comparable to imprisoning an elephant with a mouse trap. There are certain instances, events, and choices that make its walls impenetrable. At times, not a word, song, cry, or person is able to breach these confines secluding forgiveness. On the contrary, some words, cries, songs, and people shatter the confines. Bringing forgiveness from a simple, unattainable dream into a reality that once appeared impossible. The thing about forgiveness is that it is a dependent. It is dependent on situations. It is dependent on the individuals involved. It is dependent on the pain endured and the sacrifices faced. A man may never forgive that drunk driver that stole his family from him, though he may forgive countless others in the span of a single day for much simpler acts. Every action demands a reaction. An action may produce forgiveness or perhaps hatred, distance, and agony._

"You should have seen her face, Meredith," Cristina sighed, one that reached into the very core of her body and echoed out, as she stared blankly at the several empty shot glasses sprawled across the table in front of her, "the second she walked into that on-call room, it was as if her entire life was over."

"She probably felt that way," I murmured, as much as I knew Cristina wasn't in a good place and that she needed a friend by her side, I found it difficult because just weeks earlier I had been in Callie's shoes. In that moment I didn't like what Cristina represented. The disbandment of a family relationship, a life, "Cristina, what happened?" I asked her pleadingly, "How did it get to that, what made you think it was ok?"

"That's the point!" she exclaimed, "I wasn't thinking. He wasn't thinking. We weren't supposed to," Cristina began, motioning to Joe for another one, "it wasn't supposed to happen, it wasn't planned. He was upset and afraid and I was just…there."

It was my turn to sigh this time, "So what now?" I asked, "What happens now?"

Cristina stiffened and threw back a shot, "He's going back to her. Wants to try fixing things. As if there's anything left to fix," she snorted, "his PTSD has been through the roof and he has been lying to her for months. Still, he thinks he can fix it. It was a mistake."

Placing my hand on her arm, I drew in a breath, "Cristina," I began, only to be interrupted.

"I feel used,' she spat out harshly, "I feel dirty and destructive. And for some fucking reason, I care. I care about how Callie feels and thinking about that hurts, Meredith. Knowing how you felt after Alex and how Derek felt after Addison," she scoffed, shaking her head, "I'm cold. I know I always have been and I thought I always would be, but somehow, all of a sudden I'm..."

"You have people now,"" I told her softly.

"People? You think I have people?" she asked incredulously, "I have colleagues Meredith, I don't have people."

"Well, you have me, I'm a person," I told her assuredly, "I'm _your_ person," I smirked toward her.

Cristina rolled her eyes, "So I can blame all of this feeling things crap on you?"

Chuckling, I looked toward her as if she'd just told me she were in the CIA, "Oh hell, no. That's all on you, bitch."

"Damn," she smirked, "There goes my scapegoat," she joked, sliding off of her stool and throwing her coat over her shoulders, "I've got an early morning, I'll see you at work," she promised.

"Seeya there, person," I shot at her back as she climbed the stairs and walked out the door, brushing shoulders with a certain neurosurgeon as she left.

"Joe, scotch and another shot," I called out as the man with the too-perfect hair hung his jacket and inched closer, hands shoved in his.

"So, uhhh," he began cautiously, "I was out a little… of line," he said, shifting on to the stool Cristina behind.

"A little?" I asked, raising her eyebrows as their drinks landed before them.

Derek smirked, "Fine, a lot. I was a lot out of line today, will you forgive me?" he asked innocently, tilting his head slightly.

"You were forgiven the moment you tried to make things right," I informed him, "You were trying to stand up for me, I appreciate that. But I'm a big girl Derek, I can hold my own."

"I'll keep that in mind," he agreed, glancing at me with a smirk over the top of his glass as he sipped.

I rolled my eyes, "What?" I questioned, knowing there was most definitely going to be something snarky coming out of his mouth in the next few seconds.

"Nothing," he smirked harder fully aware he was about to irk me, "You and your tiny ineffectual fists can hold your own any day."

"Shut-up and drink your damn scotch, pretty boy," I snapped, smacking his bicep.

"Aww, you think I'm pretty? I'm so flattered, you know I did try out new hairstyle today," Derek retorted teasingly, flipping his hair dramatically.

I shorted, "Did it involve an extra ten jars of hair gel?" I asked with a laugh, "I can almost see myself in that _thing_ on top of your head."

"This _thing_ is too shiny to take your shit," he chuckled, picking at the bowl of peanuts that sat between us, "I'm glad to have your forgiveness, but I do have to say, I'm not sorry for what I did. Ok, I guess I'm sorry I snapped at the nurse, but I'm not sorry for sticking up for you. As far as I'm concerned, that's what friends do. I'm not one to stand around while someone makes you out to be a whore," he told me, with no note of sarcasm or amusement lacing his voice.

I sighed and rolled my eyes before sending a soft smile his way," Fine," I told him shortly, "but if you do it again my tiny ineffectual fists and I are coming for you," I mock-glared.

He simply shook his head as a laugh radiated from his sternum, "Fine."

No one had stood up for me in the way Derek had today in a very long time. I was caught between a rock and a hard place about it. It was becoming more and more difficult for me to determine whether his reaction annoyed me because of the simple fact that he took the situation into his own angry hands or if it were because I wasn't used to having someone on my side. Someone who would fight for me. Sure, I had my father, but each time Ellis and I disagreed, he would either take her side or ignore what she had said and clam her down. Maybe this was what it was like to have a true friend. One that you knew wouldn't sleep with your fiancé or lie to your face. That day, I began to realize that though I absolutely abhorred someone fighting my battles for me, I really actually loved having someone by my side who was willing to.

As our weekly Joe's chat continued on, neither of us noticed a certain candy-loving nurse in the booth to our left who looked as if someone had just run over her puppy.

* * *

Last night at the bar, as Meredith and I were heading our separate ways, I glanced at my phone for the first time in at least an hour, since she had forced me to look up the word lucubration not believing it even existed after hearing a man in a sweater vest utter the word snobbishly. Moment of truth; it's a real word. Upon glancing, I noticed I had missed more than a usual amount of calls from Owen. It was then that Meredith informed me of what had occurred between him and Cristina. I couldn't help but become angry for Callie and peeved at Owen. I had been in Callie's shoes not too long ago and Owen had seen the near worst of it. It was startling to me that he would do something off the sort. Then again, I hadn't known him well for very long. We were very different people. In very different situations. I was his friend, he was one of the only I had in Seattle at the time and I felt the need to be there for him.

As we were eating lunch the next day, I asked, "Have you talked to Callie, since the… uh… incident?"

His eyes remained cast down as he picked at his nearly untouched salad, he nodded curtly, "Ran into her in the daycare when I went to see the kids. She looked numb. Lost. Like she was just going through the motions," he murmured, meeting my gaze for a split second.

I nodded, recalling that feeling all too well, "The first few days are always tough," I nodded, giving him a once over, noticing the dark circles and bags under his eyes and his disheveled scrubs, "Owen,"

"Derek," he interjected suddenly, meeting my eyes evenly for the first time, "I need help. Your help," he demanded before forcing himself to continue, "The nightmares, the flashbacks, the phantom gunshots," he cleared his throat, and continued to whisper, "It won't stop. It won't stop and I need to see if I can put my family back together and I can't do that if I'm not even here."

I looked him squarely in the eyes, unblinking, "Of course I'll help you," I promised.

He seemed to visibly deflate, stress seeping from his pores, "Thank you," he said, "I, umm," he began again, "I'm sorry, I know that I just did to my wife, what your wife did to you," he shuddered, "and I _saw_ what it did to you and I just, I need you to know that I never meant to hurt her. This wasn't supposed to happen."

I sighed, "It's not ok, for her, I mean. It's not ok, but the circumstances are different. You still cheated, nothing is going to erase that hurt, but it isn't the same as Addison," I told him truthfully.

Owen nodded in understanding and sat up straight, continuing to eat his lunch.

"I think we should start with an MRI, call up to Psych to get an opinion first, then we can go from there," I suggested, "I'm off at 8, see what's open, can you meet me around then?"

"Of course," Owen agreed as a figure came up behind him.

A voice spoke up curtly, "Dr. Shepherd, do you have moment?"

"Of course, Rose, what can we do for you?" I asked professionally.

"What can you do for me? _What_ can you do for me? You can stop leading me on," she spat, "that's what you can do. I'm not your toy, I don't appreciate playing games, Dr. Shepherd."

I stuttered and laughed nervously, "Rose, I have no idea what you're talking about," I told her honestly.

"What do you mean you have no idea what I'm talking about? You asked me out and then I show up at the bar and you're with someone else," she told me, attempting to keep her voice down to a harsh whisper.

My eyes went wide and I looked at Owen, glaring at him as he shot me an _'I told you so'_ look, he was right, I had unintentionally lead her on after all, "Look, Rose, I think there's been a misunderstanding," I told her gently, "You see when I asked you out for drinks it was simply as an apology from a friend. I had no romantic intentions to begin with. I'm sorry I lead you to believe otherwise," as I finished her face changed shades until she it was crimson red.

She looked like a deer in the headlights, "Oh my god, I…umm It's just that… I," she stuttered.

"It's ok," I conceded with a smile, "I should have been clearer, I apologize. If it makes you feel better we can keep this between the three of us," I offered and she nodded before turning and darting.

"Well, shit, Shepherd," a familiar voice rang from behind me, "I didn't know you were getting around," Meredith laughed and Owen joined in as she took a seat next to me.

I shook my head and chuckled, "How much of that did you hear?"

"Oh just all of it," she smirked, "don't worry, I won't blow your cover."

"Good, wouldn't want to re-peg you as a gossipy nurse Dr. Grey," I retorted with a glare to both colleagues.

She rolled her eyes, "Don't peg me, I'm not peggable," she demanded, "You and I have a patient," she said, getting up.

"We do," I agreed, glancing at my watch, "you good?" I asked Owen.

"Fine," he smiled, an almost believable one, "good luck with your patient."

"Cross your heart and hope not to die," Meredith said, making her way out, "See you around, Dr. Hunt."

I shook my head with a dark chuckle. Hope not to die indeed. We were on our way to operate on our fourth patient, Mrs. Wilde. She was a mother, a wife, a sister, a daughter. She was someone. She had a life and a family and people who were counting on us to save her. Just as the three previous patients did and I could feel the unbridled optimism I had in the beginning start to fade. It's never easy losing patients, but losing them all in the same way because the same drug failed yet again was worse. Some say the definition of insanity is trying something the same way over and over expecting a different result. How many people would die before Meredith and I were simply insane doctors attempting to find a cure where there wasn't one to be had?

* * *

After the procedure came to a close, the clinical trial's death toll had now officially reached four and I felt the weight of Mrs. Wilde's death in my gut. From the look on her face, I knew Meredith did too. We went our separate ways and I made my way down to meet up with Owen in a free MRI room. The MRI provided us with unsurprising findings and Dr. Fields, the psych doctor I had invited in for a consultation brought Owen to get a full work up. A part of me had been relieved to know that there was something on the MRI that explained Owen's issues, while another part felt for the friend I knew was suffering in a way I could only attempt to imagine.

Knowing Meredith had been feeling our recent loss just as much as I had, I ran into the party store and bought two bottles of champagne. As I rolled up the dirt drive that lead to our trailers, I noticed that Meredith's jeep was there and the car Meredith had helped Lexi buy was gone so I grabbed only the bottle of champagne and made my way to her door.

"Hey Meredith," I called out as I threw her door open.

"What they fuck, man?" a man's voice cried out as Lexi' screeching echoed through the trailer and surrounding woods.

"Oh geez!" I shouted as I attempted to cover my eyes and make my way out the door, only to stumble over their shoes, "You're not supposed to be here!" I shouted in an attempt to defend myself.

"Get out!" Lexi screeched, tossing what felt like a pillow at my head.

After what felt like an eternity, I finally made it out the door, "What the fuck," I muttered to myself, then made my way toward my car to grab the rest of my things and head into my trailer.

An hour later, the champagne was chilling in the fridge and I had resorted to building a fire and sipping a beer and I sat in wait for Meredith. Just as I had finished off my second beer, headlight illuminated the drive and Meredith pulled up in Lexi's car.

Just as she stepped out of the car, Lexi's mystery man bolted out of the trailer and straight past her, "Who the hell was that?" she asked, making eye contact.

"The guy your sister's banging," I informed her, getting up and tossing my beer bottle into the recycling.

She stood there for a second, looking back and forth between the trailer and myself before Lexi popped out of the trailer, "Hey," she greeted as if a man hadn't just bolted from her at the speed of light.

"Who the hell was that?" Meredith repeated.

Before Lexi had a chance to answer, the still un-named man cam racing back toward her, "Hey, Lex, we uhh… took your car," he stuttered nervously.

"Take mine back, I'll get a ride over tomorrow," Lexi responded urgently, lunging toward Meredith and snatching the keys from her hand before tossing them at her boyfriend? Lover? Partner?

"Wait!" Meredith screeched, "I wanna talk to you," she yelled toward the disappearing hood of Lexi's car.

"Look, I can explain," Lexi pleaded.

I chuckled, walking closer and shoving my hands in my pockets, "Please do," I interjected.

"Go away," the sisters chorused.

"Lexi, I walked in on you naked with a stranger, I am very much in this conversation," I told her, giving her a pointed look.

"You saw my sister naked?!" Meredith screeched, anger welling up in her face as she pelted me with her bag that somehow held the weight of a ton of bricks.

"Ouch, dammit, Meredith not on purpose!" I retorted.

"Since when do you not knock?" Lexi asked angrily.

"Since you weren't supposed to be home! Meredith's car was here, yours wasn't, we had something to talk about," I defended, running my fingers through my hair.

"Alright, alright, we'll deal with that later," Meredith decided, waving her hands between us, "Lexi, answer my freaking question. Who the hell was that guy?"

"And why were you naked with him?" I asked earning a pointed look from both of them, "What?! It's a fair question!"

"God, Derek, you're such a big brother," Lexi sneered.

Meredith groaned, "Lexi!" she snapped.

"Fine, fine, fine," she began, rolling her eyes, "His name's Jeremy. We work at the coffee shop together and we just kind of, I don't know… clicked?"

"Clicked as in mashed genitals together?" Meredith snorted.

This time it was my turn to reprimand, "Meredith," I said pointedly, to which she rolled her eyes.

"This is why I didn't tell you," Lexi groaned, "You're making a big deal out of nothing, both of you are! You don't have any right to make me feel guilty about this, I'm a grown woman. I appreciate all of your help these last few months, but that does not permit you to walk all over my love life and to know every little detail of it," she continued on, visibly upset.

Meredith sighed, looking down at the ground and shuffling her foot against the deck of their trailer.

"And Derek you really learn how to knock on a fucking door," she laughed harshly.

"I'll keep that in mind," I nodded with a chuckle, "Sorry about that," I added, "I have to say, you have made huge strides since you were released from the hospital."

She threw me the 'stop being a big brother before I punch you' look and I held up my hands in defense, "I have four sisters, I'm hard-wired that way; get used to it, kid," I chuckled, glancing between her and Meredith before turning to stoke the fire, deciding that thy probably needed some alone time about now.

Just a few minutes later, I heard the door of their trailer close and footsteps trudge toward me. Meredith plopped down into the chair to my left and I offered her a beer silently.

"Sisters are hard," she groaned, leaning her head back against the chair before tilting to look toward me.

I laughed and shook my head, "Especially when they're spirited," I added with a wink, making her giggle in the slightest.

Meredith groaned, moving her head to look at the fire, "You saw my sister naked, that's so weird. I can't be friends with a man who saw my sister naked."

"Ok can we stop saying that out loud now," I asked honestly, "Every time you say it I feel more and more like a pedophile," I grimaced, causing Meredith to laugh, "But I will say that Mark and I were best friends for years and he slept with at last half of my sisters before he slept with my wife, if that makes you feel an better," I offered with a chuckle, tilting my beer toward her in a faux-cheers motion.

Her eyes bugged out of her head and she sat up straight, looking me in the eye, "Seriously?"

"Seriously."

"That's disgusting."

"Tell me about it."

"I'm sorry your best friend was man-whore," she told me honestly, leaning back in her chair again and sipping her beer.

"I'm sorry too," I told her honestly.

For moment, we sat in silence, simply enjoying each other's company before Meredith's soft voice pierced the silence once more, "Four people,' she stated simply, staring at the fire intently.

I sighed, raking my hand through my hair and resting my head against my fist, "Four people," I repeated, matching her softness.

"We need to re-work the serum again," she said, determined, "Derek we need to make it right, to make their deaths worth it," she continued on, her voice becoming nasally as her eye swelled with tears.

I smiled at her sadly and reached for her hand, "We will."

"Promise?" she asked.

"Promise," I assured her. Then I cleared my throat, released her hand and stood up, "I'll be right back," I told her, turning toward my trailer, climbing the deck, breaching the doorway and making my way to the refrigerator that held the two bottles of champagne I had purchased only hours prior. I snatched one up and returned to the fire.

"What's that for?" she inquired, a look of confusion etched across her face.

I sighed heavily and rolled the bottle between my hands, still standing next to my chair, "This is for William Jones and Henry Mckay, Alice Rosen and Amanda Wilde," I stated sternly, "We are going to pop this bottle, celebrate the lives they lived and the sacrifice they made by agreeing to our trial. Then, we're going to go back into that lab tomorrow and we are not going to stop until we've found what works. We're going to do it, Meredith. This is as much for you as it is for me, I'm losing hope," I admitted with a sniff, "But this is going to be the turning point, ok? And when it works, not if, when. There's another bottle that we'll crack to celebrate. To celebrate not only our success but any other lives lost along the way," I finished with a smile, "Deal?"

Meredith looked up at me, a single tear making its way across down her cheek and around her nose, tears welling in her eyes, all the trust in the world, "Deal," she whispered.

"Good," I stated with a smile that stretched from ear to ear as I popped the bottle with a laugh and took a swig before handing it to her.

She smiled brightly, standing up next to me, "To Will, Henry, Alice, and Amanda," she said before taking a large swig of her own.

That night we laughed and drank and remembered those four lives we had lost knowing that they may not be the last, but that one day, hopefully soon, we would be sitting around this fire, drinking another bottle of this champagne and celebrating. Thanking each and every one of them for the contribution their last few days of life had given to our trial.

* * *

 **Review if you want. Don't if you don't. Either way, I appreciate you!**


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Grey's Anatomy, but I like to take the characters and drag them through worlds that never appear on ABC.**

 **Authors Note: It's been a while friends, but I'm sure you're used to that by now. Life is crazy busy, let me tell you that, but honestly, I've had this chapter half finished for about a month and it just didn't feel finished until now. It's a long-ish one, but let's consider that my gift to those of you who so kindly continue to review and send me your love for this story. I've said it before and I'll say it again for the people in the back, I'm so exceptionally grateful for your responses.**

 *** Update - I resubmitted because for some reason all of my scene breaks were deleted. It always bugs me not to have them. So sorry for those of you who read it before the resubmssion!**

 **Read. Review. Hopefully, Enjoy.**

* * *

 _A few things about love always befuddled me. I could never quite figure out how one could love another with such intensity but not receive that love in return. And I could never truly wrap my head around the notion that someone could love another so passionately for so long and then throw it all away for what they saw to be an upgrade; a case of 'The grass is always greener on the other side'. It's baffling, mind-numbing and inexplicably gut-wrenching to imagine being on either end of such a situation. At what point does the love end and the lying begin, with doses of nit-picking and frustrations filling the gaps? Do they co-exist? Love and lying. Is an individual capable of loving another with their entire being yet hold the power to deceive that very individual they're so infatuated with; the one they were willing to pledge their life to? Is it true love if one is actively tearing the other apart?_

When I walked in on Mark and Addison in the throes of what I'd assume they'd call passion, the world as I knew it came crumbling down at my feet. The woman I had intended at one point to spend the rest of my life with. The man who had helped me endure the death of my father and stood beside me at my wedding as I pledged that promise to her. I stood there, frozen in place, millions of questions and accusations flooded my mind. My heart dropped from my chest, joining the rest of my life at my feet.

How could anyone who loved any other person, any other human being or cause that individual so much pain? Anger grew in place of that pain before I could process it and I wish I could say it dissipated, but honestly, I don't know if it ever did or, terrifyingly enough, if it ever will.

Tapping my fingers against my desk rhythmically, as I had been for nearly ten minutes, I continued to gaze at the picture that had infiltrated my messages only an hour prior. That same anger, the one that I hadn't been sure had receded, was as present as the first time I had found out about Mark and Addison. With it came resentment and sadness over what could have been, what would have been. They were the exact emotions I had experienced prior to them leaving Seattle for good. Together. The same feelings I had been happy to say goodbye to and had thought I had resolved. But this love thing, as I had learned brought with it more questions than answers in the event of a fallout.

' _Join us in welcoming new baby Sloan to the family! We couldn't be happier for the new beginning this 6lb 4oz little girl has brought with her! All are happy, healthy and ready to head home!'_ The text read, followed by a picture of the happy family.

That should have been me next to Addison as she cradled a new baby that would make us a family. I should have been that baby's dad. I should be the one who snuggles her when she cries, kisses her when she gets hurt, teaches her how to ride a bike, has tea parties with her and wears crowns just to please her. I should have been her dad, but I wasn't and that hurt like hell. Because the kind of love I had felt for that baby the moment I had known of her existence, was the stuff that filled you so full it changed you. It was the kind of love that turned you _into_ love. All I was, was a piece of what she would have been. And losing that kind of love? How to get over that one is the biggest question of all.

A knock on my door frame interrupted my train of thought and my head snapped up from my phone, as I closed out of the message quickly, "Hey Shep," Callie called.

"What?" I snapped, running my hands across my face and through my hair roughly, immediately regretting my tone. _'Calm down Mcdouchey'_ I could hear Meredith muttering in the back of my head. She had taken to calling me McDouchey once in a while because she didn't quite think that McDreary covered it on certain occasions.

A quizzical look grew on Callie's face as she quirked her head at me, "Look I need your help on a case, possible skull fracture, but if you just want to sit in here and glare at your phone, be my guest. I have bigger things to deal with than your fancy-haired attitude."

Collecting myself, I shook my head and shoved myself into a standing position, pinching the bridge of my nose before fixing a smile onto my face, "I'm sorry," I told her honestly, "Go ahead, I'll follow your lead," I moved to hold the door open, waiting for her to pass before closing the door snuggly and following behind.

"So, uh, thank you" Callie offered as she passed me the case file to glance over before we made it to radiology.

"For what?" I muttered distractedly, scanning the file. A little girl, only four years old had somehow managed to possibly fracture her skull and break her leg in two places. She had an extensive file, one that child protective services would most likely look into.

Shoving her hands into her pockets, she cleared her throat, "For helping Owen," she stated as we rounded the corner near our destination, "It might seem ridiculous to you, after everything you went through with Addison that I would be so worried about him, but I,"

"Callie," I told her softly, grabbing her elbow and pulling her to a stop at the side of the hall, "It's not ridiculous. And this thing between you and Owen," I said shaking my head, "It isn't the same as with me and Addison. She and Mark had a relationship for months, and then even longer the second time, behind my back. Owen's sick and he regrets what he did, he realizes it was a mistake," I told her.

"Yeah, a mistake," she said, dejectedly, "Look, I love him. I really do, we have three kids; we've built a life together. It's why I worry, but another part of me can't get over it for that very reason. He threw away everything we've built together for a one-time fling. Honestly, I might have been more assuring to know he threw it away for true love," she scoffed.

"I'm sorry," I informed her honestly, not knowing what else to say and placed a hand on her arm. Nothing about this love thing was becoming any clearer.

Callie shrugged, "All good things come to an end."

Shaking my head, I smiled at her, "There's another saying, you know," I told her, "That if it isn't ok it isn't the end. You'll be ok, this ordeal is only just beginning. We better get in there," I declared as she nodded apprehensively, squeezing her arm once more and making my way toward the imaging room.

There's only so much you can say to someone when their entire life has just unraveled. It was an impossible situation. Owen had made a monumental mistake and he may not be in the best mental health, but that doesn't erase that fact. How does one attempt to move past adultery when they're still in love with one who committed it and still consumed with worry for their well-being?

* * *

Champagne. All I could think about was that cold, bubbly liquid waiting for me in Derek's refrigerator. It was just after ten in the morning and I had already spent five hours working and reworking the serum. Tracking different molecular structures. Going back to the patient files repeatedly to check for consistencies and silently hoping for a sticky note to pop up for the right drug cocktail that would save the patients and the clinical trial.

Thinking back to when I had pitched this idea to Derek weeks ago, I don't think I necessarily realized how grueling the work had the potential to be. The last thing I wanted was to admit defeat. To have to stand eye to eye with my mother and tell her that all her wildest dreams had come true, I was a failure and she would forever be the reigning Grey. _'If only we had just given you your father's last name when he adopted you'_ I could hear her saying. Losing all the patients we have has been hard, inexplicably hard and I know that it's starting to get to Derek. Hell, it's starting to get to me but I had my inability to admit defeat to keep me going. That and the champagne that I knew would make my insides feel warm and my head floaty didn't sound half bad.

"I see your death toll has climbed its way to seven," the calculated voice of my mother came from the doorway, echoing through the lab in the slightest.

Sighing, I swallowed thickly and glanced toward her only momentarily, "These things take time," I told her calmly, "You should know that from experience, Mom."

Ellis hummed, the deep yet soft one that always informed me she was at least marginally upset. The sound of her nails tapping around the table, a bit menacingly; growing closer told me she was making her way around a table, only to stop a couple feet in front of my current station. It was almost as if she were a lion stalking her prey, waiting for most opportune moment to pounce, "Take time yes," she snapped curtly, "take lives, no," and those were her claws sinking into my flesh, "Be cautious Meredith, you're on a downward trend that has the potential to plummet further if no progress is made. Perhaps you're a little in over your head."

"I appreciate your concern," I spoke definitively, "But Dr. Shepherd and I are fully capable of carrying this trial to fruition. It will work, it will be successful we just need the time to get it there."

"Meredith, I'm simply trying to help you," she told me, "I want to see you succeed."

I let out a dry chuckle, "You don't want me to succeed. You're not worried about me failing. You're worried about the Grey name. You don't want your precious legacy tainted by the mess-up daughter that killed a bunch of people with a failed trial in a specialty you never approved of for her."

"You have no right to talk to me like that," Ellis snapped, "I may be your mother but I am still the Chief of surgery at this hospital and that demands respect," she declared as she began to pace slightly, "Worrying about the Grey name comes with the territory, Meredith. My entire lively-hood is built upon what I have accomplished which is why I am simply suggesting a second opinion."

Peeling off my gloves and tossing them into the wastebasket, I turned toward her, leaning against the table with my arms crossed protectively, "Dr. Shepherd is my second opinion."

"Dr. Shepherd has been refusing to pick up a clinical trial for years," Ellis interjected impatiently, "he's been out of practice for a while now; I have my reservations."

I scoffed and shook my head in disbelief, "You have been breathing down his neck, urging him to do something more than routine procedures for as long as he has been refusing and now that he is doing just that you no longer think he's good enough?" I asked, raising my voice and standing up straight, "Derek Shepherd has been through a lot but he is still the same surgeon you once had all the faith in the world in. He is capable of saving lives when others give up on them, he is capable of making the impossible possible and he is the other half of the reason this trial will succeed. We are not done and we will not be done until this technique is perfected," I promised.

Ellis glared at me, "You have three more weeks but if before that time the death toll reaches twelve, I will demand that the trial does not proceed," she informed me shortly throwing one last pointed look my way before making her way out of the room, her heels clicking with authority.

Rolling my eyes and shaking my head with a dry laugh, I plopped down into my hair and cradled my head in my hands. Those doubts that my determination to ensure I didn't fail my mother had been holding back like a dam had burst through. Seven people had died. That was a lot of life that could have been lived.

* * *

A couple hours after my mother's reign of terror descended over my lab, I found myself making my way toward the cafeteria to meet Lexie for lunch. The progress that had been made that day was marginal but I blame the dark cloud that is my mother that chose to grace me with its presence and pull me into the deep dark abyss of doubt.

"Lexie, you're a saint," I groaned as I approached the table she had snatched in the corner and filled with non-cafeteria food, "I don't think I could ever love you more than I do at this exact moment," I admitted whimsically, sitting next to her.

Lexie laughed, "Bow to me, humble servant," she said, passing me a water.

"So are you buttering me up because you want sex?" I asked knowingly before taking a bite of my burrito.

Smiling widely, she leaned into my side, "Of course not, can't a girl just bring her sister a lunch that doesn't taste like sweaty socks because she loves her?"

I snorted a laugh, "Not you."

She rolled her eyes and threw her hands in the air, "Fine, I want sex," she admitted loudly just as Derek came up behind her with a twinge of sadness in his eyes.

"You _need_ a chastity belt," he laughed, taking a seat to my left.

"What are you, eighty?" I laughed which only made him glare.

He pushed the salad around on his plate, before catching a glimpse of my food, "You got real food and didn't tell me? I thought we were friends," he said,his face crumpling.

"I _have_ a chastity belt!" Lexie cried as she threw a burrito at Derek; he laughed, muttering a 'thanks'.

Lexie continued, exasperated, "it's sitting right next to me. Come on, a girl has needs Mer," she pleaded before pointing to Derek as he opened his mouth to retort, "You say chastity belt again I will punch you in the face."

Rolling my eyes, I agreed, "Fine, I'll make myself scarce for the night, but I swear to God if you don't sanitize every inch of that trailer when you're done, you're sleeping in the hammock for a month."

"You can come next door and we can watch a movie on full volume to muffle the sounds of dying animals," Derek offered before stealing my water bottle.

"Oh, my god," Lexie groaned, putting her head in her hands.

"Ooh, that's a good idea," I added, "maybe get a sound machine going just to make sure."

"I hate you both," she glared, moving to put her coat back on and grabbing her purse, "But thank you, I appreciate it and I won't be seeing you tonight," she said, rolling her eyes.

I laughed, "Thanks for the edible food."

"Yeah," Derek added, "Be careful, don't roll the trailer tonight," he chuckled, getting a kick out of himself.

"Ignore him," I smirked with a giggle as she rolled her eyes, "I'll have to stop by and grab a few things, I'll call first."

"Much appreciated," she smirked, "Seeya," she said as she left the table, swatting the back of Derek's head playfully as she passed by, "Jerk," she giggled.

"Hey, hey, hey," he called, "Back off the hair," he glared back. As Lexie left the cafeteria with a new pep in her step, Derek pulled out his phone, glancing down at it as he munched on his lunch. Suddenly he looked older, his eyes darkened, his posture sloped, and a hint of a scowl appeared on his face.

"What's wrong?" I asked him before taking another bite of my burrito.

He snapped his head up and put his phone down, meeting my eyes, forcing a smile, and shaking his head, "Nothing, I'm fine. You worked on the serum this morning, right? Anything new?"

I gave him a pointed look, "Derek."

"Meredith," he mocked with a goofy smile.

I groaned, "Ok, seriously? I'm not doing this. Tell me what's wrong before you go McDouchey on a nurse again."

"That was one time," he groaned, letting his head fall back and his eyes roll toward the ceiling.

Shooting him another pointed look did the trick and he opened his phone before sliding it across the table begrudgingly. I took one look at the picture that was sitting in front of me and my face fell, "Oh," I muttered.

"Yeah," he replied sadly, "Oh."

"I'm sorry," I offered, my eyebrows furrowed as I reached to rest a hand on his arm.

"I know you are," he smiled sadly with a tilt of his head before shaking it, "I… I don't know how to react. How to feel," he scoffed, "How I'm supposed to feel."

With a huff, I responded, "There's no one way to feel, Derek. You have nothing to prove to anyone. However and whatever you feel is valid, no one can tell you otherwise. No one has written a book on how to deal with this kind of thing."

"Maybe someone should," he said seriously, raising his eyebrows as he reached to grab his beeping pager, "Hey, if this whole clinical trial thing doesn't work out want to help me write a book on adultery?" he chuckled dryly.

"Oh yeah that sounds so great," I told him sarcastically, rolling my eyes, "Adultery 101: What to do when your best friend steals you partner" I continued.

He laughed, "Might need to work on that title," he said as he got up, quickly gathering the garbage, "Duty calls, I'll seeya tonight?"

"Oh yeah," I agreed, "Sister booty call will be in full force."

It was hard knowing that Derek was having such a hard time and not knowing how to help him. I was impressed with him; how he had handled the news of Mark and Addison's baby was a step away from McDreary and a step toward McDreamy. It's no small feat; dealing with adultery. Especially when babies are the result. I wish I could say I hadn't had any idea of what Derek was thinking and experiencing, but I did and I could. The thought of someone you thought you were going to spend the rest of your life with having a baby with your best friend isn't something that can stay shoved down into the deep, unforeseen corners of your being. Adultery of this sort couldn't be swept under the rug, it demanded to be dealt with, recognized, and felt. His effort to change was part of what I was beginning to like about him.

* * *

Just minutes I after having received the 911 page to my four-year-old patient's room, I arrived to see her laying on a hospital bed that dwarfed her, her unbroken leg curled close, holding her head, with tears running down her face, sobbing as a nurse stood near her.

"What happened?" I asked sternly as I moved toward the small girl, taking the nurse's place next to her.

"I… I don't know. One minute she was fine the next she was holding her head and screaming," and intern stammered.

Inching closer to the bed, I squatted down in front of her, "Hey," I said softly, moving my hand slowly to rest on her arm, she squirmed away and using the other hand I brought my penlight from my pocket, "Hey smarty pants, can I take a look at your eyes really quick?"

The little girl grunted and stayed put, still crying loudly.

"Do you know who Doc McStuffin's is?" I asked her gently, "All of her animal friends trust her to take care of them and she always makes them feel better. Now Doc Mcstuffin's works on animals so she can't help, but I work on people and I can help you feel better," I said, smiling softly, "I just need you to look at me first, ok?"

The crying softened and she peeked through her tiny fingers before taking them away from her face, still red with tears.

Smiling softly once more, I pulled the penlight closer, moving it across her eyes quickly checking to sure her pupils weren't blown.

She grunted again and scowled, "That's not nice!" she told me, "Lights do not go in eyes."

I couldn't help but chuckle a little, "This is a special light that I have to use to check your brain."

"Oh," she huffed, still glaring, "Do my brains look good?"

"Your brain looks good," I nodded, "but you still need to heal a little bit," I told her, resting my chin on my arms to look her in the eye.

Skeptically, she glanced over my face, up to my hair, back down to my chin, and across my arms. It was a glance that felt calculating, almost as if she were looking for danger.

"When I saw you earlier, I told you my name," I spoke tenderly, "Do you remember it?" I asked, attempting to gauge whether her memory was affected at all by the head injury she'd endure.

"Dr. Shepherd," she said shyly.

"That's right," I smiled, "Since you know my name, do you think you could tell me your name?"

"Annie," she said softly as she broke eye contact with me and started twirling her curly blonde hair.

"It's nice to meet you, Annie," I told her, holding my hand out to shake hers. It was then that I noticed the stuffed elephant snuggled in her arms. It looked tattered and torn, one ear barely hanging on, "And who's this?" I asked excitedly, pointing to the animal.

The girl pulled the elephant closer and a smile erupted on her face, "Her name's Ellie, she likes peanuts."

I raised my eyebrows and opened my mouth in surprise, "Wow, well it's nice to meet you too Ellie," I said seriously, grabbing the elephant's foot and shaking it, "Now Ellie, could you tell me what your friend Annie's favorite food is?" I asked the elephant.

"She says chocolate pudding" Annie murmured with a nearly invisible grin on her face as she picked at Ellie's fuzz.

"Chocolate pudding?!" I asked, "Are you serious?"

"Yes!" she giggled, a little louder this time.

"No way," I said, shaking my head, "That's my favorite! I keep some special stuff in my desk, does Ellie think Annie would like some after dinner tonight?"

Annie giggled again, possibly the sweetest giggle I had heard, maybe even in competition with Meredith's and hummed," Mmhmm."

Smiling tenderly, I tilted my head and winked at her, "Alrighty, Annie. I'll see you tonight with that pudding," I promised and I stood up, my knees aching slightly after squatting for so long, "And if Ellie ever needs to see a doctor, I'll bring in Doc Mcstuffin's for her," I told her.

Just as I turned to leave, I felt a tiny hand on top of mine followed by a tinier voice, "Dr. Shepherd, Ellie says that you're the nicest man she's ever met," Annie nearly whispered, hiding behind her raggedy elephant.

I ran my thumb over the top of her hand softly, "Annie, you tell Ellie that she's the sweetest girl I've ever met," I finished, squeezing her hand and moving toward the door.

Stopping just outside to glance at her once more through the window, I saw her talking to her stuffed animal as if Ellie were her most trusted confidant, friend, secret-keeper, and protector. The tears had dried, but her face remained a rosy pink.

I felt someone walk up beside me before they even began to speak," Dude, I don't know how you did that, but she hasn't let anyone near her since she got here," the intern stated in surprise.

I crossed my arms over my chest and looked at him, "Kids are no different than adults," I told him honestly, "They want to be heard, felt understood and comforted. From the looks of it, no one has shown that little girl much kindness for a while. Look, Dr. Murphey, this job isn't just about the medicine or the surgeries… it's about the people. She was scared, there were so many people in that room and all of them were looking at her as facts and numbers; heart rate, vitals, broken leg, concussion. Now it's important to pay attention to all that stuff, but it's also important to pay attention to the person behind it all. That little girl needed a friend, someone to tell her everything would be ok and that's not just the nurse's job, it's ours too," I said seriously, patting him firmly on the shoulder before finishing, "You did well today, but I think you should go home and focus on your bedside manner instead of the science."

He looked taken aback with his hands shoved in the pockets of his lab coat, a fresh, crisp, nearly untainted one and I could tell by the look on his face that he meant it when he said, "Thank you, Dr. Shepherd, I will."

* * *

It had been about seven hours since Derek had run off with that 911. I had overheard the interns chatting about the secret Child-whisperer (AKA Derek) and I was glad that other people were finally seeing all the good things about Derek. Because he is great, he's more caring and sensitive, understanding and comforting than he's let anyone here know in a long time. But like most good things lately, that high came to an abrupt end with the loss of yet another patient.

For a moment, I just stood there, paddles in hand staring at the flat line on the screen as the long, loud beep pierced the air. Again.

A nurse moved to switch it off. Derek ripped off his headlamp. The nurse took the paddles from me. Derek bolted into the scrub room, ripping his gloves off. The anesthesiologist removed the breathing tube.

I stood. I stared.

A nurse closed her up. Another pulled off all her leads. I removed my headlamp. Ripped off my gloves. Moved to the scrub room. Turned on the water. Let the warmth spread across my arms. I started scrubbing.

I stood. I stared.

The whole time with one number and nothing else on my mind. Eight.

There's no telling how much time passed before Derek put his hand on my arm. My head snapped toward him, he was leaning with his back to the scrub room window and his butt against the sink.

"Meredith," he said softly, nothing but comfort and understanding in his eyes.

I cleared my throat," She thanked me," my throat became tight and tears welled up in my eyes, "for giving her a chance to fight for her life," I gulped, looking away from him again as a tear raced down my cheek, "and I tried," I gasped," I tried so hard. I spent so many hours working in that stupid lab," I said, scrubbing my arms with soap viciously.

"I know," he murmured, turning toward me and rubbing my back.

Rinsing my arms one last time, I dried them before tossing the towel in a bin, "I wanted to do it for her," I spat angrily, "for her husband and her kids and so she could have a freaking life again. And it kills me that I couldn't do that for her or the seven other people this trial has killed. I've tried so hard, Derek, so damn hard to keep it all together, but I know. I know that every time a patient lays on that table, they have a better chance of staying there than coming off," I scowled.

"Meredith," he began.

"No. Don't tell me that it'll work eventually. That everything will be ok," I whispered angrily," because this doesn't feel ok!" I pleaded.

With a pointed look and tears welling in his own eyes he grabbed my forearms and stared me in the eye, "Meredith, it'll work eventually. Everything will be ok," he said tilting his head. It's not supposed to feel ok. It's supposed to hurt. You're supposed to want to give up, but you won't. Because every time it hurts is another reminder of why we're doing what we're doing."

He pulled me into his arms and my body went slack. Every ounce of tension that I had been holding in was released and in that moment, I felt safe and protected.

I groaned, "My mother's going to love this," I told him.

"Well your mother's evil so…" he shrugged.

Smirking through another round of tears I pulled away from him, "I mean you're not wrong."

"You good?" he asked, rubbing his hands up and down my arms once more.

"I'm good," I nodded with a sigh and a small smile, "I'll see you at your trailer in a few."

He nodded, "You will. Let yourself in if you get there first, I have a pudding date," he said with a smirk, lifting himself on his toes for a moment before heading toward the door.

"Without me?" I asked, before gasping, "Did you show someone else your pudding stash?! I thought I was the only one who knew about your guilty pleasure Popeye," I accused.

"I'll explain later, it's for a good cause Mer, you can share," he teased as he walked out the door with his head held high.

* * *

Not long after my pudding date, I found myself walking through the door of the trailer, "Meredith, are you in here?" I called through the small space before seeing her stuff on the couch, confirming my question.

"Back here," her voice came as I kicked off my shoes and tossed my coat and briefcase on the couch by her stuff.

"Well you move fast," I said with a chuckle as I turned around and saw her snuggled in my bed with a movie on in her dingy Dartmouth shirt that she wore so well.

She laughed and sat up a little before leaning back, "Of course I do, Dr. Shepherd. Speed is a good quality in a surgeon," she argued.

I raised my eyebrows as I undid the buckle of my belt, "It is indeed, Dr. Grey," I retorted, kicking off my pants, removing my socks and stripping down to my undershirt before flopping on the bed and groaning.

"Rough day?" she asked, patting my head teasingly.

"Oh yeah," I scoffed, "There's this one resident that just refuses to leave me alone, I'm half worried she'll be in my bed when I get home one day," I chuckled.

Meredith responded my grabbing a pillow and chucking it at my face, shouting, "Shut up!"

"Oh you're gonna pay for that," I laughed at her, flipping around and shoving the pillow back at her, "So what chick flick are you torturing me with tonight?"

She shrugged, her face rosy from laughing and her hair standing on end from the pillow that collided with it, "27 Dresses is always a winner," she said teasingly to which I rolled my eyes, "Oh relax. I'm watching Anna Karenina and honestly, I don't know if that's any better, I tried to read the book like twenty-seven times before I gave up and rented the movie instead."

"Twenty-seven times," I said, raising my eyebrows, "that's dedication, I'll give you that."

"I'd like to say it was pure dedication, but it was more out of stubbornness than anything else," she giggled that sweet, innocent giggle that I swear I could listen to forever.

"Makes sense," I said simply," You're stubborn as hell."

She glared at me, "What the movie, smart ass."

I made myself comfortable sitting next to her under the covers and sneaking popcorn from her bowl every once in a while. For a few minutes, we sat in silence, only the sound of the movie playing bouncing off the trailer walls but then she turned her head toward me and said, "Mark and Addison have a baby."

"Mark and Addison have a baby," I repeated with a nod, slightly surprised she brought it up so abruptly.

"How are feeling about the situation?" she asked me quizzically.

I chuckled dryly and sighed, running my hands across my face and through my hair, "Conflicted," I stated.

"I was up in OB today checking on a patient and I ran into April and Alex coming out of an exam room," she said and I reached to squeeze her hand as she continued, "and they were so happy. They were happier than he and I ever were. And it got me thinking, you know? That all this crap happened for a reason. That Alex and I were never supposed to be together forever. Honestly, thinking about it now, I cannot see myself getting married to him, having his kids, and growing old with him. There was a time that I could but now I see him and April together and I'm more sure that they're supposed to be together than I ever was of me and Alex," she smiled sadly," I do think that I helped him change, but I think that it didn't stick because he didn't love me enough to be that person for me. But he has that piece now, he knows that he's capable of making it fit with someone, but that someone wasn't me," she conceded, "I know that our situations aren't the same. You and Addison spent a lot of years together and that's not something that's easy to get over, but Derek, Mark and Addison, they're incredibly happy. Did you two ever make each other that happy?"

"No, we didn't," I said thickly, looking into her eyes. For a moment, I was stunned. I had never really thought of it in that way before. That all this crap had happened for a reason. If I were being honest with myself, I was happier without her than I was with her. More specifically, I was happier with Meredith. Addison never understood me or took my emotions into consideration to the extent that Meredith did.

"Meredith," I whispered, leaning closer to her, my eyes darting from her lips to her eyes and back again, "You make me happy," I told her honestly before closing the distance between us. My lips met hers and relaxed. We kissed.

She leaned her forehead against mine and whispered back, "You make me happy too."

 _Love is too complex to attach one sentence to. Love is terrifying. Love is exhilarating. Love is being there. Love is unconditional. Love is fierce. Love is impenetrable. Love is everything and nothing all at once. Love can destroy you._ ** _Love can put you back together._** _None of the questions I had about love were answered, but that truth was made evident._

* * *

 **There you have it, my friends! Are you excited? Are you ready?**

 **I've got big plans for that little Annie girl, what a sweetie she will be and it might take a while to bring them to fruition but I hope you'll continue to hang in there!**

 **Also how excited are you that I finally let MerDer stop dancing around each other. Was that torturous? If it was, I apologize.**

 **Thanks again for all the love!** **I appreciate hearing from you guys more than you know and the random reviews, ugh, they just kill me with kindness. Hang in there, guys, college is a major time sucker.**


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Grey's Anatomy, but sometimes I wish this were a paying job.**

 **Author's Note: Oh my goodness, you guys. I'm so excited to see and hear that you are still out there following this story after all of this time. I honestly cannot thank enough. Part of why I enjoy writing is to provide the same escape for readers as writing offers me. I did not want to write today. I was in a funk and feeling down and just wanted to nap, but then I didn't. I wrote for hours and then I stopped and tutored, but then I came home and wrote some more because it felt good. It's cathartic and pulls me out of my funk or at least helps me get through it. Writing allows me to get lost in my thoughts and produce something from them. When I was younger, I would spend a lot of time just laying on the couch, listening to music, and thinking up stories. Then one day I worked up the courage to try writing down and a few years later I posted a story. No one in my family or friend group really knows how much I've written and none of them know about these stories. It's my guilty pleasure. Something that's just mine. Something that I'm so glad I chose to start sharing with you guys, people who truly understand and adore these characters as I do.**

 **Is there something in your life that does the same for you? Am I alone in having a secret passion that I keep from those who are close but display for strangers?**

 **Read. Review. Hopefully, enjoy!**

* * *

 _There's this theory that a guy and girl can't be friends. People argue that someone always ends up falling for the other. Other say that men just want to have sex with every woman they meet. Now that's a usually long and sometimes complicated discussion, so I'm not going to touch it. However, I'm also not going to say it's false._

There was a part of me that wanted to deny the existence of anything other than a platonic relationship with Derek, but waking up naked in his bed made that pretty much impossible. His strong arms were wrapped around my waist and his face was nestled in the crook of my neck as he spooned me. I felt safe, comfortable, and unbelievably at ease. Until I didn't. The second I could form a coherent thought, my mind was racing with every possible terrible outcome that could erupt from all of this. Most frightening was the thought that the friendship we had fallen into with such ease was at jeopardy.

He shifted against me, breathing deeply and tightening his hold for a moment before rolling onto his back, "You're freaking out," his gruff morning voice pierced the quiet.

Following his lead, I rolled onto my back and gazed up through the skylight, "I'm freaking out," I nearly croaked, my throat taking on the texture of sandpaper as I swallowed thickly and tightened my hold on the comforter surrounding me.

Derek turned his head and I could feel his eyes on me. I tilted mine, our eyes connecting for the first time that day, his hair was disheveled in a way I didn't know was possible and I smiled softly, reaching a hand to twirl a piece of his untamed curls, "I didn't know your hair could hold such… Einstein-like qualities," I quipped with a sleep-laden giggle.

"I didn't know you could snore like a truck driver," he returned quickly, raising his eyebrows at me.

"I do not snore," I told him sternly.

He chuckled, "I think it's cute," he said with a sly smirk, "I never knew such a loud noise could come from such a tiny person."

I glared at him, "You know what's not cute?"

"What?" he questioned, rolling his eyes.

"Your morning breath," I told him, scrunching my nose, "it could wake the dead," I finished with a laugh.

His face fell and a look of surprise formed upon it, "It's not that bad, is it?" he asked, breathing into his hands before scrunching his own nose and swinging his legs over the edge of the bed, "I'll be right back," he said giving me a pointed look.

"Thank you," I giggled catching a glimpse of his toned butt as he slipped back into his boxers and made the short distance to his bathroom before my gaze fell back to the skylight.

I couldn't help but think that maybe we could skip any form of serious adult conversation and keep the teasing going until I had to go into work in two short hours. The banter was fun, it was easy, it was normal for us and normal was comfortable. Part of me was scared to talk about anything resembling serious because that would mean that all of this was real and the relationship Derek and I had would never be the same.

Just a few minutes later, Derek came out of the bathroom and crawled back onto his bed. This time he settled on his side, propping up his head with one arm and tentatively placing the other over my stomach, "Talk to me," he whispered gently as I laced my fingers in his and stroked his hand with my thumb, looking down at or entwined fingers.

Turning my head took look at him, I smiled softly, "You're my best friend," I told him causing a small smile to form on his face to match my own, "I don't want to lose my best friend again."

"Meredith," he said, "you're not going to lose me,"

"You don't know that," I told him seriously, "Not too long ago you were adamant that you wanted nothing to do with being with anyone anytime soon," I spoke honestly remembering all the difficulties the last few months had brought for not only Derek but me as well.

"You're not just anyone, Meredith."

"What is that even supposed to mean?" I groaned, turning to look back at the skylight, "A few months ago, you were married, Derek and I was engaged."

He sighed, closing his eyes for a moment before releasing my hand. I was nervous he was done right then and there but then he opened his eyes, placed his hand on my cheek, brushed my hair behind my ear softly and smiled at me, one of those smiles that make your entire being melt into a puddle on the floor.

"Meredith," he said, my name rolling off his tongue like butter, "In the time that I've known you, I have been happier than I ever was with Addison. For the first time in so many years," he croaked, "I feel like myself," he rubbed my cheek with his thumb and I smiled at him softly, feeling tears prickle the corners of my eyes, "I wasn't happy for a long time before I met you, you've been there for me through a few of the worst days of my life and I'm so grateful for your friendship, but Meredith," he pleaded, "I want more. I want to care for you the way you care for me. I want to kiss you and hug and be with you. I want all of you, not just some of you," he told me truthfully.

A tear broke free and trailed from the corner of my eye, down my cheek, over my nose and onto his pillow with a plop, "I want more, too," I whispered shakily, "I'm gonna kiss you now," I told him with a slight giggle as I leaned closer.

He chuckled slightly and shifted so he was lifting his body over mine and came to rest, his forearms on either side of my head, our lips interlocked the entire time.

* * *

Turning into the parking lot, I kept my eyes peeled for a spot near the front before quickly slipping into one before getting out of my car and heading into the building. I had barely made it in, through the doors, across the lobby, and to the elevator door when a 'ding' sounded and the door slid open to reveal none other than Cristina Yang. She was leaning up against the back of the elevator, her arms stretched out grabbing the bar and a natural scowl gracing her face.

Her brows furrowed, "You had sex," she stated definitively.

I scoffed, but a small smirk formed on my face, "I did not."

"Liar," she snorted a laugh. I could almost feel her judgmental eyes boring holes into my back. In the past couple weeks, we had grown closer, maybe even too close according to some.

"Fine," I said, whipping around and tossing up my hands, "I had sex."

"With McDreary?" she asked.

Rolling my eyes, I leaned against the wall adjacent to her, "Yes, I had sex with Derek. Stop calling him McDreary, he's working on it," I defended.

"Fine, I'll stop, at least to either of your faces," she agreed and I couldn't help but laugh and shake my head knowing it was probably the best she could do, "So are we happy about this or do you need a bottle of tequila?" she continued.

"We're fine. Good," I told her, nodding my head and biting my cheek in an attempt to control my smile, "No tequila."

Raising her eyebrows, Cristina responded, "Meredith 'fine' or fine 'fine'?" she asked knowingly.

"Fine 'fine'," I told her seriously, rolling my eyes, "I threw a good in there too, you know. Things are good, but I will admit that as good as it is it's also new. It's unexplored territory, so maybe a little nerve-wracking."

She bobbed her head back slightly in surprise, "You just had sex and you're telling me you're nervous?"

"Yes," I told her calmly, "I'm nervous. He's my best friend Christina, no offense, and I don't want that to be ruined by sex. What if things don't work out and this whole thing just blows up in my face and all I'm left with is living in a trailer next to my ex-best-friend-one-time-sex-buddy guy?"

"Ok, first of all," she began, "offense taken and second everyone in this damn hospital but the two of you have known that you've wanted in each other's pants since the beginning."

The elevator reached our floor with another 'ding'. We made our way off and toward the locker-room, "That's disturbing and probably untrue," I told her seriously.

Cristina shrugged before stopping abruptly and wagging her phone in my face, "Three; sex ruins nothing. Ever. You say that again and this friend thing is over."

"She's right you know," came a strong, familiar voice, "sex is good, amazing actually, with the right person," the voice finished with a wink, walking confidently over to me and handing me a coffee cup.

"Derek," I squeaked, turning toward him just in time to receive the cup of hot goodness.

He chuckled and mocked me, "Meredith," I smacked him in the gut in reply and he feigned an injury.

Cristina rolled her eyes, "I'm leaving before I vomit," she said before snatching the other coffee from Derek's hand and walking away.

"That was…" Derek began reaching out after it, "mine," he called after her.

"There's no getting that back now," I giggled, as I took a sip from the one he'd handed me and met his gaze. His eyes were the same bright, yet deep blue I'd gotten lost in last night (and this morning) and for a moment my head felt a bit foggy.

Derek continued to glance over at me periodically with a playful smirk on his face as we walked the remainder of the distance to the Resident's Lounge, "Stop it," I hissed.

"Stop what?" he asked innocently.

"Looking at me like you've seen me naked," I whispered harshly, looking around, wary of gossipy nurses.

"But I have seen you naked," he whispered back with a goofy smile on his face, leaning a little closer as he stuffed his hands in his pockets smugly.

"Dr. Shepherd," I told him, "This is inappropriate."

"You're inappropriate," he retorted as his pager went off, "Wanna be inappropriate with me later, my office, say one o'clock?" he asked, still smiling as he continued walking past the lounge backward.

I glared at him, "Be. Professional."

"Fine," he stated, before nearly trotting away and throwing a semi-sassy, "Good day, Dr. Grey," over his shoulder with a smirk.

The second he was out of eyesight and I had rounded the corner into the Resident's lounge, I snatched my phone from my purse and sent him a quick text agreeing to meet him in his office at one o'clock.

* * *

Cloud Nine, that's where I was. Between having sex for the first time in God knows how long and the newfound closeness I'd been able to share with Meredith, I nearly floated into Annie's room later that morning.

"Dr. Derek!" Annie's tiny voice squeaked from her spot on the bed, "that man tried to steal Ellie," she pouted, gesturing to the nurse that stood by her side.

"I did not try to steal the stuffed animal," the nurse said with a chuckle, "I'll let you take it from here, Shep. This little one is getting discharged today, she needs her IV out," he informed me, much to my surprise.

"She's getting discharged today?" I asked incredulously, moving closer to Annie and sending her a smile before grabbing her chart from the front of her bed, "Didn't CPS stop by?"

Andrew shrugged, "Not that I'm aware of, I'm just here to get her ready to go. I'd check with Torres to be sure. Her foster dad, Randy, ran out to grab some food and sign her out, should be back soon," he finished before making his way toward the door.

Furrowing my eyebrows, I responded, "Thanks," before paging Callie. After sending the page, I tossed Annie's chart back.

She was sitting on the bed silently, already dressed in sweats to go home as she played with Ellie's ears and bit her lip, "Dr. Derek, I don't wanna leave," she whispered in a barely audible voice.

Smiling sadly, I made my way to the side of her bed, taking a seat next to her and looking her in the eye I said softly, "I know you don't," before reaching into my pocket and pulling out a small sewing kit.

"What's that?" she asked, pointing to it.

"This," I said with a smile, "Is a sewing kit," I told her, "I talked to Doc McStuffin's about Ellie's ear and she told me I should sew it up so she doesn't lose it, is it ok if I do that?"

Annie thought for a minute, hugging Ellie to her chest and looking at me with furrowed brows over the top of the animal's head, "Fine, but I wanna hold her hand," she said.

I chuckled and nodded, "You can do that," I told her before holding out my hand for the plush toy. It only took a few minutes to sew up Ellie's ear as Annie watched closely and chanted 'steady, steady' at me softly. If she weren't so serious about the situation, I would've laughed. That little girl had such a sweet personality.

"I see your page was very urgent," Callie's voice came from the door, only semi-mockingly.

I chuckled as Annie retorted, "Shhh, he's working!"

"I am," I began, tying up the last stitch, "all done," I finished, handing Ellie back, "Why don't you check her out while I chat with Dr. Torres," I said, getting up off the bed.

"Derek, I know what you're gonna say," Callie began as I walked up to her, "There's nothing we can do."

I shook my head and raked a hand through my hair before shoving them in my pockets and giving her a pointed look, "That's not true and you know it," I told her.

Callie stood up straight from where she was leaning on the wall, "But it is, Derek. Look I get it…"

"No," I told her in a stern whisper, "You don't, you don't get it. If you did, that little girl wouldn't be walking out of here today with that man," I continued, shaking my head, "How could they send her home with him after everything I told them she said to me last night and all the times she's been hospitalized. This is ridiculous!"

"These people have fostered kids for years," she said, "CPS has a lot of trust in them. With the amount of kids they've helped, that have been in and out of their house," she continued, shaking her head, "Kids lie, Derek, especially foster kids, they will not trust her over these people," Callie said honestly.

I scoffed, "She's four years old. Does anyone really think a four-year-old could make this crap up? How do they explain all of the hospital visits."

"She's clumsy," Callie shrugged, "At least that's what they told CPS. It didn't help that Annie said nothing when they tried to talk to her. Look, I have a surgery in a half hour, I've got to go. I'm sorry, Derek. I really am," she said, squeezing my arm before she walked out the door, nearly running into Meredith as she did.

"Hey," Meredith said as I leaned against the doorframe with my arms crossed, glancing at the innocent little girl that sat in the bed in front of me, "It's one o'clock, you weren't in your office," she spoke, coming up behind me.

"Yeah," I said distractedly, before shaking my head and turning around to look at her with a small smile, "Sorry, I lost track of time."

"It's ok," she said with a soft smile before her brow furrowed slightly, "Derek, what's wrong?"

Shaking my head in a way that told her we'd talk about it later, I reached for her hand, squeezing it lightly, "I want to introduce you to someone," I told her.

She looked a bit surprised but followed me to Annie's bed, I dropped her hand as we reached it and told her, "This is Annie. She was my pudding date last night. Weren't you?" I asked Annie with a wink as I moved around to the other side of her bed, "Annie, this is my friend, Meredith," I told her before reaching for gloves to remove her IV, "She's gonna talk to you while I get rid of your IV, ok?"

"Ok," Annie said shyly as Meredith pulled up a chair, looking more confused than before.

Despite her confusion, she smiled at the little girl and stuck out her hand, "It's nice to meet you, Annie."

Annie took her hand tentatively and blushed a little bit, "Hi," she murmured.

Meredith sat back in her chair, "So you and Dr. Shepherd had a pudding date last night? How was that?"

Annie smiled softly, "It was yummy," she giggled.

"Oh yeah?" Meredith giggled in return, "What did your elephant think about it?" she asked.

"She liked it too," Annie told her seriously, rubbing the elephant's ear rhythmically, "Her name's Ellie, Dr. Derek sewded her ear back on," she informed Meredith.

"That was nice of him," Meredith told her, moving her eyes up to meet my gaze with a smile and a raised eyebrow, I glared at her with a smirk of my own, "Ellie's a pretty name," she continued.

I couldn't help the smile that formed on my face whilst listening to the two of them talk. I finished removing her IV, placed a bandage over the site, and cleaned up my materials. The whole time thinking of what would happen to that sweet girl once she went back to her foster home. Meredith was only the second person she had said a nice word to since she had been in the hospital, the first being myself. Around anyone else, she would clam up and nearly disassociate or say simple words in a sharp tone. I wasn't surprised to hear that CPS didn't get anything from her when they came to talk. I couldn't help but think it would have gone differently had I been there with her and gotten her to open up. Maybe then they would have believed that she had told me the truth last night. If only my account of what she had told me was enough.

"Let's go, Squirt," the loud, booming voice of a muscular man echoed through the small room as he walked in, a nurse with a wheelchair behind him. At that moment, judging by the look on Meredith's face, I knew she had realized why I'd been so worried.

Annie's eyes darkened and the smile on her face from her conversation with Meredith fell as the large man walked into the room. Just like that, she had closed up again.

I moved over to her small backpack on the chair in the corner and slipped my business card into it, not wanting Randy to see it and as I did I saw Meredith lean closer to her.

"You are a smart, strong, beautiful little girl," I heard her whisper, grabbing Annie's hand and slipping a piece of paper into it, "Keep this safe," she told her with a smile as she folded it into her hand.

"Come on," Randy groaned, "Sometime in the next decade, Doc," he said, snatching the backpack up and tapping his foot.

I moved to Annie's bed, "Alright, Little Lady," I said with as much enthusiasm as I could muster, "Let's get you into the wheelchair," I said, moving to pick her up.

Once she was in my arms, she whimpered almost inaudibly, tightening an arm around my neck as she held onto her elephant with the other. Her body was shaking in the slightest as I lowered her into the wheelchair. Stooping down to face her, I whispered, "I'll miss you, but I hope that I won't see you in the hospital again," and gave her a wide smile, "She's all set," I told them enthusiastically before standing back with my hands in my pockets.

In the short couple days Annie had been in the hospital, I felt myself grow attached to her in a way that I hadn't felt with any other kid in my years as a surgeon and watching her being wheeled off by a man who had hurt her and would most likely do so again made my heart shatter into a million pieces.

* * *

With full knowledge there was nothing more we could do, at least until we finished working, Meredith and I went on with our days. We ate lunch together before heading off to our respective duties for a few hours. Later on in the afternoon, we met up to work on our trial. After meeting with our ninth patient, laying out our treatment plan along with the risk involved, Meredith ran to the coffee cart to grab coffees and I went straight to work in the lab. Not long after getting settled in, there was a slight knock on the door.

Later on in the afternoon, we met up to work on our trial. After meeting with our ninth patient, laying out our treatment plan along with the risks involved, Meredith ran to the coffee cart and I went straight to work in the lab. Not long after getting settled in, there was a slight knock on the door.

"Come in," I called out distractedly.

I heard feet shuffling against the floor as they moved closer, "Hey, where's Mer?" Lexie's voice asked, penetrating the silence.

Taken by surprise, I looked up at her, "Getting coffee. What are you doing here?" I asked curiously.

"Nice to see you too, Derek," Lexie said, rolling her eyes as she walked around me and plopped into a chair next to me. She held onto the edge of the table and swung back and forth, concentrating on what I was doing.

I chuckled, "Don't you have your own job?" I questioned, giving her a pointed look.

She nodded and scoffed, "Yeah and we have these things called days off," she began before holding up her hands in defense, "I know, crazy that those exist huh?" she asked rhetorically with a slight laugh.

"You're a piece of work," I groaned.

"Thanks, I try," she said with a smile, scrunching her nose, "Whatcha doing?"

I sighed, "Trying to find the right combination of components for this injection."

"Oh is that for the clinical trial?" she asked, still spinning.

I nodded and gave her a hum in response, "We met with another patient today. I think that's the hardest part, you know?" I said, finally looking at her, "You talk to these people, hear their life stories and all that they've struggled with. You try to help them, but in the end, we don't know if we're helping them or giving them a one-way ticket to a coffin. Meeting this patient was harder than the others, Meredith was much more detached."

"Wow," Lexie breathed, "I guess I never thought about it like that. I just sort of pictured you guys playing with chemicals all day," she said honestly.

I chuckled, "Yeah, well you're not wrong. That's a lot of what we're doing right now," I told her, "So how was your sex night?" I asked, raising an eyebrow with a smirk.

"Just about as good as yours sounded," she informed me with a smirk of her own, finally halting the spinning and crossing her arms, looking at me intently.

I stopped what I was doing, my jaw nearly dropped to the floor before I shook my head, "I… I don't know what you're talking about," I said with a strained shrug, that I knew she would see right through. Meredith and I had yet to discuss what we would say to her.

She rolled her eyes, "Seriously?" she asked with a laugh, "You're a terrible liar. You were giving me this whole spiel about rolling the trailer, little did I know yours would be shaking more than ours."

"Lex," I groaned, just as the door clicked open and Meredith walked in.

"That lady took forever," Meredith groaned, setting a cup of coffee next to me before looking between Lexie and myself in confusion, "What are you doing here?" she asked Lexie, taking a sip of her coffee.

"She's leaving," I told her, giving Lexie another pointed look, "Don't you have, I don't know, your own work to do for something?" I continued, taking off my gloves and leaning back in my chair to take a sip of coffee.

"Derek's salty because I heard you guys having sex last night," Lexie shrugged.

Meredith nearly choked on her coffee and I reached over to rub her back with a chuckle, "You ok?"

"Fine," she groaned, wiping some off of her scrub top.

"Come on, it's not a big deal," Lexie said seriously, "I knew it would happen sooner or later."

Meredith groaned again, "Why do people keep saying that?"

"People?" I asked, looking up at her in surprise, "What people?"

She rolled her eyes, "According to Cristina, the entire hospital has been waiting for us to have sex," she said.

"It's true," Lexie interjected, stealing my cup and taking a swig, before handing it back.

"How do you know? You don't even work here," I asked, honestly curious.

She shrugged, "I hang around a lot and the nurses here are gossipy as hell. I snuck in to see the surgery you guys did last night and I heard them talking about it."

"Honestly," Meredith began with a shrug, "I'm not that worried about it."

I turned to her in surprise, "You're not?" I asked.

"No, I'm not," she said, rolling her eyes, "Whatever happens between us is none of their business."

Lexie's eyes widened, "Wow, that's very… mature of you," she said before making a face, "but what if your mom finds out?"

Meredith's face fell, "It's none of her business either," she said sternly.

"Meredith, she might have a point," I said hesitantly, "Ellis might see it as a conflict of interest, with the trial going on as well."

"You're supposed to be on my side," she said, glaring at me.

"I am on your side," I defended, sitting up straighter and grabbing her hand, "and being on your side also means recognizing situations that might jeopardize either our relationship or our trial."

"Awww, how sweet," Lexie said, "speaking of your relationship. What exactly does that entail?"

I glanced over at Meredith and our eyes met as we shrugged at each other, "We should probably talk about that," I conceded.

"We should," Meredith agreed, "but right now, we need to do some actual work," she said giving Lexie a look, "Which means you have to stop distracting us, Ms. Busybody."

Lexie rolled her eyes, seemingly for the millionth time in the past ten minutes, "Fine, I'll go scout out a surgery," she said, getting up from her seat, "Good luck with boss-woman," she told me before walking out the door.

Meredith moved around to sit where Lexie had been, "Did you get my notes on Solution A?" she asked, skimming through the files I had set out.

I let myself fall into a daze for a moment as I watched her. The way the strands of hair that had escaped from her messy ponytail framed her face, the concentrated look that graced her face as she studied the files. I couldn't help thinking to myself how beautiful she really was.

"Derek," Meredith said pointedly, drawing me out of my daze.

I shook my head slightly, "Sorry," I murmured with a smile.

She blushed as she saw my eyes on her, "Did you even hear my question?" she asked, laughing as she shook her head, "Did you get my notes on Solution A?"

"I did," I said with a nod and a smile before looking back at the molecules I had been observing through the microscope."

"I think that was the problem all along," she said passionately, "On original trials attempted on mice, they staggered the injection to allow the brain to adjust to the intrusion, but I think they got it all wrong. If we're completely in sync and the injections hit the brain at the same exact moment, it won't have time to process and react negatively to what's occurring before the drugs take effect," she finished.

It seemed simple as she stated it in that way and I had to admit to myself that it was ingenious, "I think it could work," I told her, "honestly, I think it could be the key," I finished with a smile.

"Alright," she said with a nearly-devious smirk, "Let's give it a try," she finished, getting out of her seat and moving toward the other side of the room.

As she set up the artificial brain and grabbed the headlamps, I packaged up the solution and returned it to a safe place for keeping. Then, I snatched a few bottles of dye from the cabinet and moved over to where Meredith was standing.

"Scrub cap," she said, handing over the one covered in ferry boats, "I stole it from your locker," she admitted, "for good luck."

"Good luck?" I asked her with a chuckle, "What makes you think this is the one?" I asked her.

Meredith smiled softly as she tied her own scrub cap, "You love ferryboats and you were wearing it that time you yelled at Alex to defend me," she shrugged, "That's when I knew I could really trust you."

Running my fingers across the ferryboat covered cap, I shook my head and chuckled once more before reaching to tie it to my head, "I do have a thing for ferryboats," I told her with a wink.

"I know," she whispered softly, moving behind the artificial brain and placing her headlamp on as I moved to switch off the lights.

"Ok," I let out a breath, "You ready?" I asked, handing her a needle.

"Ready," she nodded, positioning the needle correctly, "On the count of three. One, two," and just like that, the neon liquid made its way through the vessels and capillaries of the brain, giving the room and our faces a soft glow as it traveled, filling the brain.

However, just a moment later, the machine that tracked our speed began beeping loudly, "It has to be better than that, it has to be perfect," Meredith said, removing the syringe.

I nodded in agreement, "I went too fast," I agreed, removing my own before grabbing another full syringe, "Let's try it again."

"Ok," Meredith agreed, "This time I'll speed up and you slow down, we'll meet in the middle."

We went through the motions possibly a dozen more times each with a different issue. I was too fast. Meredith was too slow. Then I was too slow and Meredith was too fast. Repeatedly, the machine squawked at us for messing up the pacing.

Just as we messed up our twelfth attempt, I muttered, "Dammit," under my breath, "Come on. It can work, I know it can work if we just do it at the same time," I sighed, rubbing my chin slightly.

Meredith groaned a sigh, shaking her hands out and attempting to rub one, "Here," I told her, gesturing for her hand, "Cramp?" I asked, massaging her hand around her thumb and her index finger.

She relinquished her hand to me and sighed again, "It'll work Derek, it will," she promised.

"Look at you being all optimistic," I teased, raising my eyes from her hand to meet hers with a smirk. We stood there for a moment before her eyes got wider and a smile erupted on her face.

"That's it," she said excitedly, taking her hand back abruptly and handing me another syringe, "Come on, thirteenth time is the charm," she said, "but this time, don't look at the syringe. Look at me instead."

"Ok," I replied, giving her a quizzical look, but reaching for another syringe.

"Trust me," Meredith began, "and remember don't look away from me. One, two," and again, we were injecting the dye into the artificial brain, but this time instead of getting lost in the tension of the moment, I got lost in her eyes. My body was no longer tense with nerves but relaxed as I looked into the green pools that belonged to Meredith. Not a minute later and I felt a 'click' as the syringe was completely emptied. No squawking.

Our gaze still connected, a smile erupted on both of our faces, "We did it," I murmured proudly.

"We did it," Meredith nodded, placing the empty syringe on the table, took off her headlamp and turning to place her hand on my side, she leaned closer, stretching upward to press her lips against mine. Our lips interlocked and it felt right. It felt good. Then she pulled back and smiled brightly at me again. I returned her smile and pulled her into a tight hug.

This was good. This was right. This would work.

* * *

In the few years I had studied medicine, I had never been as exuberant as I was that day. There was no guarantee that the method Derek and I had worked tirelessly on that day would actually work. Even so, I so much hope for it to be successful and for Edward Sullivan to live to see his child born. He would be our ninth, but I was determined that he would also be our first.

This determination was only fueled by the fire that had ignited between Derek and me in past couple days. It wasn't something that I necessarily expected and I remained terrified about it. However, every minute we spent together, I couldn't help but think that being together was the right thing. No part of me could have imagined meeting someone so soon after everything that happened with Alex. The wounds were still fresh and seeing him around with my ex-best friend (who happened to be carrying his child) was interesting. Derek made me forget and in the times that I had wanted to deny every single feeling I felt, he drew them out.

"You didn't agree to get a drink with me tonight so you could smile at a wall the whole time, did you?" Cristina asked, her voice permeating my rambling thoughts.

"Sorry," I laughed, shaking my head slightly to clear it and gesturing to Joe for another one, noticing that Cristina had downed four more in the time I was distracted.

Cristina snorted, "If you're gonna try to pretend this is some amazing race and you have to catch up, you're gonna end up flat on your face," she said, "You and Jose are in a new relationship, take it slow," she said.

Rolling my eyes, I snatched a shot Joe left in front of me and downed it, "I am well aware of what a bottomless pit you can be."

"This is why this friend thing is working, Mer," she said simply, "You recognize that I'm messed up and you don't try to change it," she continued, pointing toward my face, "Some people, on the other hand, run away as soon as they've gotten too deep into all of this," she said, gesturing to herself.

I raised an eyebrow at her, "Somebody as in Owen?" I asked.

"I'm not messed up. You know what's messed up?" she began again bitterly, taking another shot, "When somebody flirts with you for weeks then sleeps with you and that same somebody, someone who might possibly be just as messed up as you are, goes running back to his wife like a lost puppy. That's messed up."

"It is messed up," I nodded, glancing over at my shoulder and making eye contact with Derek who sat on the other side of the room with Owen, grimacing as our eyes met. He nodded in response with his eyes wide before turning his attention back to Owen.

"You know that thing we usually do?" Cristina asked, "The whole 'whose life sucks the most' game? I totally win this round. I don't even think it's worth playing."

I snorted a laugh, "My life's not all rainbows and sunshine," I told her seriously.

Cristina glared at me, "Seriously?" she asked dryly, "Any day now, you're going to crack a ground-breaking clinical trial wide open. You just had sex with McDreamy. Who. You. Live. Next. To. Plus you took in your emo gone bubbly sister. Every time she opens her mouth it's like a rainbow's flying out."

"Ok, fine," I conceded, with another eye roll, "You win."

"Thank you," she said, sitting up a little straighter.

"You know," I said pensively, "This whole friendship thing we have going on here is a little ironic."

"How so?" she asked, rolling her eyes.

"Other than the fact that you're currently a dirty mistress and my ex-fiancé just left me for one," I stated, "I should hate you. Like really hate you and everything you stand for. But I don't." I continued, a quizzical look forming on my face.

"Uhh, thanks?" she muttered.

"Considering I have reason to hate your guts but I don't. You're welcome," I told her honestly, taking a sip of my water.

Cristina leaned away from me a bit with a curious look on her face, "You're kind of a bitch," she stated simply before shaking her head, "Just when I thought we had nothing in common."

"I may be a bitch, but there is another thing you beat me in," I told her with a mischievous smirk, "I have yet to make it into whore territory."

"Ehhh," Cristina exclaimed, "Another round, Joe! We're celebrating."

"Celebrating what?" Joe chuckled.

"I'm a whore and she's a bitch," Cristina said with a smile, "We're equals and we're friends."

I couldn't help but laugh, "We're friends," I repeated.

Joe looked confused for a moment, then laughed and shook his head in amusement before grabbing a couple more shots of tequila. We downed them in a split second and I was starting to feel a little tingly all over, "Do you like him?" I asked Cristina, "Owen. Do you like him?"

"I do," Cristina admitted.

"He has a wife," I told her, "He has a wife, but he still slept with you."

"Yeah."

"And you like him."

"Yeah."

"You're sad that he's stupid."

"Yeah," she said again giving me a quizzical look, "What's with the twenty questions?"

I shrugged, "I'm trying to figure out if I should be a good friend to you and tell you to go after him and ask him to leave his wife or be a good friend to Callie and tell you to leave him the hell alone because he's married. I'm also buzzed so my head's a little spinny," I rambled, feeling much tipsier than I had planned on getting tonight.

"Well if you wanted to be a good friend to Callie you probably shouldn't have gotten drinks with the whore who slept with her husband," Cristina admitted.

"Good point," I said, biting my lip.

Cristina just shrugged, "You're a bitch, it's in your nature."

"Meredith's not a bitch," a low voice came from behind me, I tried to turn slightly to see who it was and nearly toppled off the bar stool. A strong arm wrapped around my back to steady me, "Woah, she is drunk, though," the man laughed.

"Derek!" I said, recognizing his voice, "I'm not drunk," I said, determined to be right, "just tipsy."

Cristina rolled her eyes and huffed, "And I'm not a whore."

"You're not," Derek said gently, giving her a smile.

She grimaced, "Oh shut-up McDreamy."

"McDreamy, huh?" he asked, a cocky smile forming on his face, "Do you want me to call you a cab, Yang?" he asked politely.

"I'm good," she said, "Unlike your girlfriend, I can hold my liquor," she said.

"I am not drunk," I demanded, "and I'm not his girlfriend, yet."

"Yet?" Derek asked and I could feel my rose turn five shades darker as he did, "We can talk about that later," he said with a smile. If it were any other smile, I would have been nervous, but it was that one. The one where he tilts his head and looks me in the eye as if I'm the only person in the room.

 _Relationships are complicated. Guys and girls being friends can be complicated. Sometimes guys and girls get along well and end up in a romantic relationship. I have a hard time believing that it happens in all scenarios, but if one thing's for sure, Derek and I fit. Right now our pieces may fit perfectly, but our puzzle isn't finished. It might take a while to find all the pieces because when they're all mixed together, there's no saying what unfitting ones you'll find. However, I know that with these pieces as a starting place, we'll make our way to the middle._

* * *

 **Thank you again for your kind words! I appreciate you.**

 **HAPPY BIRTHDAY, PATSY! -** **You have been reviewing since the beginning and I am so incredibly grateful for that! Your reviews make my day! I hope your birthday is everything you want it to be and more. Enjoy this early birthday gift! (Thanks for the college encouragement!)**

 **Seriously, though, thank you again to everyone who has reviewed, you're amazing! - Much love!**


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Grey's Anatomy.**

 **Author's Note:  
** **I'll admit, I'm a fan of a wild ride, but just a short one. Most of my stories have fewer areas of conflict than I think people are used to, fewer cliffhangers, more fluff and all that jazz. It's my personal belief that when a ride is too wild, you get nauseous and you start to expect something bad to happen at every freaking turn. In my experience, having more feel-good scenes makes the tragic scenes that much more heart-wrenching and I understand that this theory also goes the other way, but I try to be an optimistic person.  
** **Hey, guess what? I appreciate you!**

 **Read. Review. Hopefully, enjoy.**

* * *

Change can be big and scary and inexplicably hard to wrap your mind around. Change can feel so big, nearly monumental as if everything happened all at once. However, the truth about change is that it doesn't happen all at once, it's gradual. Even those changes that seem to occur at the drop of a hat have been in the works for hours, weeks, months, and even years. Each decision that is made brings an individual on step closer to a significant or even insignificant change.

When I was little, my dad took me fishing every weekend. It started before I could even hold the weight of the fishing pole on my own and continued until the day before he died. Within that span of time, we spent hours sitting on the edge of a lake in camp chairs, sometimes quietly, but most of the time speaking in low whispers about the events of the week.

After a while, when Mark and I became close, he would come with us too. I had my first beer out there in the tattered blue camp chair with my dad sitting next to me in his red one. After he died, Mark and I only went a few times before we decided we just couldn't anymore. It wasn't until I had moved to Seattle and bought the land that I started up again. Now, every chance I get, I set up those blue and red tattered chairs down by the lake and sit there for hours drinking beer and catching fish with the memory of my father.

I had just gotten off a long shift, Meredith and I had lost another patient, and the trial's expiration date was looming over us. So upon finally reaching the land, I decided against climbing into bed with a clouded head and chose to gather up my fishing gear and trek out to the one place I knew could make life seem clearer. It was early, so early that the sun was merely an orange blip in the distance.

I was just about to cast my line when my phone began to buzz in my pocket. Taking it out, I looked at the screen and noticed it was an unknown number, expecting it to be a telemarketer, I place it back in my pocket and finished my cast. However, just as my line plopped into the water, it began to buzz once more, the same number.

"Hello, this is Dr. Shepherd," I said into the receiver.

There was no response, only the sound of fumbling, sniffling, and whimpering.

"Hello?" I said again, "Who is this?" I asked, slightly nervous.

"D… Dr. Derek," a tiny voice whimpered into the phone quietly.

"Annie?" I asked in surprise, "Annie is that you?"

"Mmhmm," she whimpered, her breath hitching as it sounded like she was trying not to cry.

I set my fishing pole down and ran a hand through my hair, "What's wrong, Sweetie?" I asked, slightly

frazzled and expecting the worst.

The little girl released a sob to match her size and failed to utter a word. For a moment, I stood there by the tattered camp chairs, listening intently to what was happening on her end of the line. Past the sniffles and crying, I could hear yelling from both a male and female.

"Annie," I said, "Are you in a safe place?"

"Yeah," she whimpered with a hiccup, "I hided in the closet."

"Good, that's good," I sighed, scuffing a foot against the dirt and gravel below me.

"Dr. Derek, I'm scared," she whimpered, "I don't know what to do. I don't wanna get hurt," she whined.

I couldn't help but smile sadly, "I know you don't," I told her, "You just stay right where you are," I said tenderly, "Stay really quiet and I'll tell you a story. Ok?"

Annie sighed, this time a little less frantic, "Ok," her small voice replied, still rough from crying.

Smiling widely this time, I responded with an enthusiastic, "Ok," before racking my mind for a story to tell. Taking in my surroundings and the cool air that blew through my rain jacket, it came to me.

When I was younger, my dad and I had taken the boat out to go fishing and the moment we reached the middle of the lake, the skies opened, thunder boomed, and lightning cracked through the skies. That was the first time I had ever heard my dad swear. He stood up, angry at mother nature, and lost his balance, falling into the lake with a giant splash. I was scared, having thought that would have most definitely made him angrier, but his head breached the surface of the water and a large laugh radiated from his chest as he rolled onto his back to float. We were both very sick for the next week, but it was worth it. All of it was.

For what felt like an hour, I paced around the tiny lake, speaking softly into my phone as I recounted that day on the water moment by moment to a scared little girl. By the time I had finished the story, I could hear a light snoring coming from her end of the line, "Sleep tight," I whispered before hanging up and shoving my phone back into my pocket.

Worry plagued my mind and I could barely resist the urge to call social services at that very moment. However, not only was it entirely too early in the morning, but Annie wasn't in any immediate danger. It was a fight. People fight all the time and getting social services involved in a small spat may just make things worse for her. I could only imagine what would happen if her foster parents were to find out she had called me. I had to admit to myself that I knew very little about their situation and as hard as it as, I had to keep myself from getting too close to it.

* * *

It was a typical Seattle morning boasting with cumulonimbus clouds, dark skies, and a light drizzle of rain when I found myself snuggled up in a small chair on my deck. A warm woven blanket was wrapped around my shoulder and I held a toasty mug filled with robust coffee as I sat and gazed into the woods that were laid out before me, thinking about the last few weeks.

Derek and I seemed to be closer than ever, almost overnight. So much so that I began to question the speed of everything. I couldn't help but think that maybe we were moving too fast and sooner or later one of us would change paths and the other wouldn't, resulting in a high-speed crash of mammoth proportions that shattered every particle of our relationship to pieces. However, the more I contemplated it, the more I realized that this relationship didn't get to where it was overnight and it couldn't be broken overnight. Derek and I became friends as a result of relationships gone wrong. We helped each other through them and over time discovered more and more about each other.

Gravel began to crunch and churn as Lexie's car appeared from farther down the driveway and came to a stop a few feet from mine. The moment she stepped out of her car and slammed the door, I knew something wasn't right.

"Hey," I said as she hurried up the steps.

"Hi," she muttered as she bolted past and slammed the trailer door.

Releasing a sigh, I stood up and made my way into the trailer behind her, "What happened?" I asked, placing my mug in the sink and leaning against the wall as I watched her put her things away, "You were with Jeremy, right?" I asked knowingly, "Did something happen between you two?"

"I don't want to talk about," Lexie groaned, shrugging her jacket off and flopping onto her bed.

Knowing better than to keep badgering her, I turned around and grabbed her favorite mug out of the cupboard before pouring a near half-and-half ratio of coffee and cream into it and placing it on the counter to cool. She always liked her coffee at room temperature, borderline cold, which I knew I would never understand.

My blanket still wrapped around my shoulders, I walked up to her bed, "Scooch," I told her, nudging her arm with my knee. Lexie moved over with a groan and I climbed in next to her.

I started playing with her hair in a way that always calmed her down and after a couple minutes she sniffled and told me, "He's moving to New York."

"New York? Why?" I asked, tucking her hair behind her ear.

Lexie groaned and moved closer, wrapping an arm around my waist and resting her head on my chest, "Because I told him to," she whispered.

"Because you told him to" I repeated a bit too wryly, failing to mask my slight judgment.

"He got a deal with some big shot publishing firm in New York," she admitted, "he found out last week and he didn't even say anything until last night," she continued angrily, "he asked me what he should do and I told him that he had to choose. I told him that he could either have me or he could move to New York," she said, her breath hitching as tears gathered in her eyes again, "and he chose New York," she sobbed, grasping onto me tighter.

I held her close and rubbed her back, "Why would you do that?" I asked softly with a sad laugh.

"I don't know," she sobbed, shaking her head, "I thought he would choose me. Meredith why didn't he choose me?" she whimpered.

"Oh, Lex," I said tenderly, kissing the top of her head, "Men are idiots, that's why."

We stayed there for almost a half an hour without saying a word before Lexie had stopped crying and started picking at the blanket that was still around my shoulders, then suddenly she piped up, "Can we go to Derek's and make him make us breakfast?" she croaked.

A grin erupted on my face and I giggled, "Let's go."

Lexie rolled over me without skipping a beat and I laughed a groan before following her, the now-cold creamer with some coffee I had set out for her sat forgotten on the table.

We put our slippers on and I threw another blanket at her for warmth before we made our way out of our trailer and bolted across the lawn and around the fire pit to Derek's door. We went inside quickly to get out of the rain.

"Derek," I called, before noticing a lump that shifted on his bed as Lexie shut the door behind us.

Lexie gave me a devious look with her splotchy eyes before we made our way to his bed and climbed in on either side of him, "So I was thinking pancakes for breakfast," Lexie said, snuggling into his bed.

"Ooh pancakes sound good," I joined, "with eggs and bacon," I finished, bringing my face to Derek's and kissing his nose.

Derek groaned loudly and smacked his lips, "Shhh," he said sleepily, "Sleep, it's time for sleep," he groaned as his mouth stretched into a wide yawn as he shifted onto his back and nudged his arms under our shoulders, pulling us both in tightly, "Go to sleep," he continued.

"I want food," Lexie giggled, poking his ribs.

"You go get food," he said gruffly, pulling his arm back and giving her a light shove before wrapping me in his arms tightly and breathing in my hair, "We'll sleep," he sighed, kissing the top of my head.

"I want food too," I said, my voice slightly muffled against his shirt as I wrapped my arms around him in return.

He groaned, "No you don't," he said, "you want sleep. Food later."

"Well if you're not gonna make me food," Lexie started slyly as she rolled off his bed, "then I guess I will," she finished.

Before she could step away from the bed, Derek released me and grabbed the back of the blanket she was wrapped in, pulling her back onto the bed, "And burn down my trailer? No thanks," he said, his voice still thick with sleep as she bounced on the bed with a giggle.

"I hate you both," he groaned, still sitting up on his bed with his head in his hands.

"Liar," Lexie and I said together, before sharing a look and a laugh.

After taking a few moments to wake up a bit more, he slid between Lexie and me down to the edge of his bed and got up, grumbling something about regretting the decision to let us move in next to him as he went into the bathroom.

"That's not where you keep the food," Lexie called to him, giggling as she rolled closer to me again and we got under his covers.

Derek bolted out of the bathroom, moving the fastest he had since we'd invaded his space. With a mischievous smile on his face, he snatched a pillow from the bed, "You little," he said, shaking his head with a laugh before chucking the pillow at Lexie's face causing both of us to lose it as he ducked from Lexie's reciprocation and ran to the bathroom.

Lexie pulled a free pillow over her head and groaned a laugh, "He's such an ass."

I sighed whimsically, "He does have a nice ass," I told her with a smirk, earning a punch in response.

"Eww, Meredith," Lexie groaned before muttering, "I'm too under caffeinated for this shit."

Groaning, I shoved the covers off myself and whipped my legs to the edge of the bed, "I'll go make some coffee," I said, throwing her a smile and a wink as I got up and moved toward Derek's kitchen.

Just as I walked past the bathroom door, Derek popped out and wrapped an arm around my waist, pulling me close, "Where do you think you're going?" he asked, kissing my cheek and shoving his face into my neck with a low growl.

"Making coffee," I replied with a laugh, stretching up to kiss him quickly, happily discovering he had brushed his teeth.

"You make good coffee," he said pensively, before kissing me again, "but don't think about touching anything else," he chuckled, walking past me and pinching my butt a little too obviously.

"Ugh stop, please," Lexie groaned, "Some of us have relationship issues over here," she told us loudly, snuggling deeper into Derek's bed.

"Relationship issues?" Derek mouthed toward me, his brows knit with confusion.

"That's a conversation for later," I said, filling the coffee pot with water, "and by the way," I told him, rolling my eyes, "I only burnt those eggs in here that one time, it wasn't that bad."

Derek scoffed, "Not that bad?" he asked rhetorically, "I had to throw away the frying pan!" he argued, waving the new one around a bit as he took it out of the cupboard.

There was something special about mornings like this. They felt normal. Like a family. Like we could do this every day for the rest of our lives.

* * *

A few hours later, Meredith and I were on the top deck of a ferry, on our way into the city for dinner. We had been for a few months now and had only been on about three real dates in that time. So to celebrate our once in a lifetime day off together, we decided to do just that.

"You warm enough?" I questioned, swinging my arm around her shoulders and pulling her close, rubbing my hand up and down her arm.

"I am," she whispered back, looking up at me for a moment and smiling.

After returning her smile, I kissed the crown of her head lightly, "Good," I said with a sigh, "So how's the Lexie situation?"

"Complicated," Meredith groaned, leaning her head against my shoulder, "She's just so impulsive about everything," she continued with a tone of concern as a large gust of wind blew past us and she snuggled closer, "I mean this morning? When he told her about the job offer, she just gave him an ultimatum right on the spot and just before I left the trailer we had a fight because all of a sudden, she wants to move to New York," she finished with a snort, shaking her head slightly.

I glanced her way in surprise, "What about school? I thought she wanted to go to school in Seattle so she could stay with us?"

"I thought so too," she agreed a bit forcefully, "but she's not thinking straight," she argued, "A few months ago she lived on the streets and now she wants to move out of a perfectly stable living situation to the most expensive city in the country," she continued, obviously upset as she turned, still close to me with her back against the rail. I crossed my arms and tilted my head, looking her in the eye as she continued, "Derek, I'm really worried about her," she admitted quietly, looking down at her feet.

"Meredith," I said softly, knowing she was fighting back tears.

She shook her head softly, "Don't say everything's gonna be ok," she began, "because you don't know that. We just found each other, Derek, she's my sister, I don't want to lose her already."

"You won't lose her," I spoke softly, regretting it almost immediately as she looked up at me with a forceful look, "Meredith," I spoke again, uncrossing my arms and bring my hands to rest on her sides, "We don't even know if she's going to New York yet."

"She's dead set on it Derek," Meredith snapped, wiping her eye before a tear could break free.

"Lexie's been dead set on about a million things since you took her in, Meredith, that doesn't mean anything," I told her seriously, "Like you said, she's impulsive. She doesn't know what she wants and now she has a lot more options than she has in a long time," I reminded her.

Meredith shoved her hands in her pockets, "I just," she groaned, "I thought she was happy here. I thought we had a plan and that she was gonna be ok, but now," she shrugged, drifting off.

I couldn't help but sigh heavily, "I know," I told her softly, pulling her into my arms and holding her close. She wrapped her arms around me and relaxed against my chest.

We stood like that for a few minutes, connected and peaceful before the sound of Meredith's phone ringing popped our bubble, "What now," she groaned, still holding onto me with one arm as she reached for her phone with the other, "This better be important," she said honestly, pulling away from me lightly to lean against the rail again. From the tone of her voice and the topic of conversation, I knew it was the intern doing paperwork for our trial.

"What did she want?" I asked, crossing my arms once more as Meredith hung up and shoved her phone back into her jacket.

She looked up at me with an apologetic look on her face, "You're gonna hate me," she whispered with a smile.

I couldn't help but chuckle, "What are you talking about?"

"One last patient, Derek," she said in a nearly pleading voice, grabbing onto the lapels of my coat in a sweet way with that face she always gave me when she knew I would get mad.

"Meredith, the trial's over," I said seriously, "We're out of time. It didn't work. We have to let it go," I told her, trying to keep my voice soft and keep frustration from seeping in.

"Technically," she added mischievously, "It's not over until midnight."

"Great so we have…" I paused, glancing at my watch, "about eight hours add another name to the list of people the trail failed," I snapped.

Meredith pulled back, "Derek we were close," she said sternly, "We were so close to being successful and you know that. This could be the one, Derek, this could be it," she said, a certain fire ignited within her eyes as she became frustrated and determined all at once.

"We haven't even met the patient, Meredith," I said, a bit exasperated, "With all of the paperwork we' have to do not to mention the surgery itself, Meredith it could take well over eight hours."

"But it could work, Derek," she bit back, "It could really, seriously work."

I shifted and shoved my hands in the pockets of my jeans, "This is ridiculous," I said seriously, raising my eyebrows at her, "It's crazy," I continued, running a hand over my mouth.

"There's a bottle of champagne in your fridge that we've been staring at for weeks. I really want to open it and I know you do too," she added forcefully before smiling at me as she reached up and kissed my cheek, "Please," she continued, "We need to do this," she finished, her tone becoming a bit more somber.

"Your mother's gonna kill me," I told her seriously, shuffling my feet for a moment before reaching my hand out for hers.

"That a yes?" she giggled, following behind me before catching up as we walked back to my car.

"You know, you were right," I retorted with a smirk.

"About what?"

"That I would hate you," I said with a chuckle, squeezing her hand and winking at her.

Meredith simply rolled her eyes, "You didn't hate me in on-call room four yesterday," she laughed.

"That's very true," I said with a shrug matter-of-factly as we approached my car in the lineup, just in time for the announcement of our arrival over the loudspeaker.

We climbed into the range rover on our respective sides and waited patiently for our turn to exit the ferry, just as I shifted the car into drive to begin moving, I felt a slight, warm pressure on my thigh as Meredith reached over. Turning my head, I met her gaze, "Do you trust me?" she asked me softly.

"Of course, I do," I responded truthfully, "I'd trust you with my life," I added, smiling softly.

Meredith nodded and with a small smile playing on her lips, "Me too."

"You trust you with your life?" I joked, raising my eyebrows at her with a chuckle.

Rolling her eyes again, she smacked my gut lightly, "Shut up," she giggled, "I have a good feeling about this," she finished confidently.

"Good," I nodded, "That's good," I whispered, tearing my eyes from hers as the car behind us honked its horn.

Despite my reservations about the situation, I did trust her. I trusted Meredith in a way I hadn't trusted anyone else in a very long time. There was a time when I trusted Addison before our marriage blew up in our faces, but I can honestly say that I never trusted her as much as I trusted Meredith in that moment.

Not all change is bad, some change is for the better. It's the kind of change that opens your eyes to the way things should be. The kind that shows you the extent of your potential whether in love, in school, in finding a profession, or just in life in general. Despite the good that comes along with some change, the very same form can be hard to wrap your mind around. Realizing your potential opens so many pathways that were previously seen as unapproachable and that can be daunting.

* * *

 **Thanks again for all of your kind reviews! I'm glad that you all still seem to be enjoying this story!**

 **This chapter may feel a bit like a filler, but it's not, I promise. It's important to the story progression and it really lets you guys get a good look at the relationship dynamics we have going on here. It also introduces some subtle and not so subtle areas of possible conflict later on.**


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Grey's Anatomy if I did I wouldn't be rushing to get this posted before work.**

 **Author's Note: Despite what the disclaimer says, I failed to post this chapter before work today. One-Hundred percent because my computer freaked out and wouldn't let me do ANYTHING. Which has been an ongoing and very annoying issue. So, ten hours later than I had anticipated, here's Chapter 8, yippee! There's a lot going on in this one and I think I'll leave it at that for now.**

 **Read. Review. Hopefully, enjoy.**

* * *

 _What do you do when your life begins to unravel at the seams? When everything's falling apart and nothing is falling into place anymore. The very people you want to go to with your issues are at the root of the issue and you feel like you're drowning. Like you're being pulled under into a deep, dark abyss that you may never reach the top of again. The thing is that even if you do reach the top, everything will be different. Nothing will be the same._

"What were you thinking, Meredith?" my mother asked sharply from her place behind her desk as Derek and I took our seats in front of it, "What on earth compelled you to go behind my back and continue on with an unsuccessful trial?"

"Mom," I sighed, "We didn't go behind your back, you gave us until the ninth."

Ellis scowled, shaking her head in anger, "Rules are not made to be bent, Meredith Grey. I should have known I would have regretted letting you work at this hospital, you're just being a whiny, entitled little,"

"Dr. Grey," Derek interjected loudly from my right, "With all due respect, I don't believe bringing your personal matters into this is fair."

"What's going on in here," my father's voice echoed through the room as he shut the door behind himself.

"Thank God," I said, rolling my eyes, "Will you please talk some sense into her."

"Richard, stay out of this," Ellis warned, "This is between me and my daughter," she snapped.

"This is not between you and your daughter," Derek snapped, "This is between the Chief of Surgery and two of her staff members."

"Derek," I whispered, knowing that yelling at my mother was never the right decision. She always had something to say in return. It was a vicious cycle.

"No, Meredith," he said sternly, uncrossing his legs and looking at me, "This is ridiculous," his attention shifted to my mother once more, "Dr. Grey and I had a successful surgery yesterday," he said slowly, leaning his elbows on his knees, "The patient survived the surgery with no further complications. She woke up, it worked. Let's focus on that," he finished softly, tilting his head and giving my mother his signature smile, the one that had gotten him officially re-pegged as McDreamy.

"I agree," Richard started, moving around the desk and standing to face my mother, "Ellis, they've done well. There is no reason here to punish them. They have set their relationship aside and worked diligently to,"

"Relationship?" Mom snapped, "What relationship, Richard?" she asked, her eyes darted between me and Derek.

"Dammit, Dad," I groaned, running a hand through my hair as Derek sent me a wide-eyed pleading look that made me think he was afraid for his life, "I told you I was trying to figure out how to tell her."

Richard shuffled awkwardly on his feet, "I'm sorry, Sweetie," he said, sending me a soft look.

"Don't apologize to her Richard," Ellis shouted, "You're both suspended effective immediately," she snapped, looking us down as she shuffled papers around on her desk.

"You cannot suspend two hard-working staff members for something that has nothing to do with their careers," Dad said sternly, "Come on, Ellis, think about this logically…"

"You think I'm being illogical?" she asked angrily, "The three of you have kept this relationship from me for who knows how long."

"This is exactly why" I shouted, standing up from my chair and moving close to her desk, "Because I knew the second you found out about us you would stop looking at me like a surgeon and start looking at me like your stupid, fragile daughter again. When I came to you with this trial, you looked at me like a real person for the first time in my life and that felt good and I didn't want that to stop," I finished softly, shaking my head in disbelief and look down at her desk, "I thought that once I made you proud, you would treat me with respect," I began again, looking up at her, "But I guess I was wrong. You can do whatever you want with me, but don't suspend Derek. It's not right,"

"Meredith," Derek interjected, reaching forward to grasp my hand.

"No,overhear" I said, pushing him away, "It's not fair for you to take out whatever hate you have toward me on him."

"She's right Ellis," Dad agreed quietly, "He's the head of Neuro, there's a lot of responsibility on his shoulders that you'll have to get covered."

"It can be done," Ellis responded sharply once more.

Sighing roughly, I pulled a hand through my hair, "It's taken him a long time to convince people here that he's not a terrible person," I said, as I looked toward my mother, "he has been busting his ass for months trying to prove to people that he respects them, to prove to them that he's a good man. If you suspend him now for something like this, that's all gone," I smiled sadly at her, she looked away, "You've been riding his ass for years to cultivate a trial and now that we've completed a successful one, you're willing to through all of that away for personal reasons. That's bullshit," I stated simply.

"Meredith Grey," my mother interjected angrily.

"It is bullshit, Chief," Derek said sternly, standing up and moving next to me, "because this trial has the power to save countless lives and Meredith is the reason we were successful. Hell, she's the reason it even began in the first place."

"Meredith is a child," my mother said with a snort, rolling her eyes.

"Ellis that's enough," Dad said seriously, "You two get out of here, everyone needs to take time to cool off and after that we can have this conversation again."

"Fine," Derek said begrudgingly, turning around and walking away angrily.

I moved to follow him, but before I could meet him at the door, my mother spoke up once more, slightly exasperated, "Why are you hell-bent on defending him Meredith?" she asked.

Stopping in my tracks, I turned around and looked her in the eye, "Because he's a good man and I love him," I said, surprising even myself, "and you fight for the people you love," I told her strongly before turning around and walking out the door.

When I made it out the door, I caught sight of Derek standing directly to the left of it, "How much of that did you hear?" I asked him nervously, shutting the door behind myself.

"All of it," he said, expressionless as he swallowed thickly.

"I meant it," I told him softly, moving to lean against the wall in front of him, "I didn't know that I did until I said it, but I,"

"I know you meant it," Derek interjected, looking at me with a sad smile, "I should go check on our patient," he said, pushing himself off of the wall and walking past me.

"Derek," I said, confused about his reaction.

He shook his head and turned a bit, "Not now, Meredith," he said over his shoulder before stalking away.

My breath hitched and I could swear my eyes watered as I watched him walk away, "What did you do? What did you do? What did you do?" I asked myself, turning to place my head on the wall with a thud.

That was not how that conversation was supposed to go. Before I said that to my mother, I hadn't even realized it myself. That wasn't something he wasn't supposed to overhear. That was something we were supposed to tell each other privately. It was supposed to be special and exciting, but now he was upset and I had no idea why. I couldn't wrap my head around how we had gotten here from where we started off this morning.

 _"We should do this more often," Derek said, still slightly out of breath as we snuggled close under the thin on call room blanket. I could feel his breath rustling across the top of my hair as I pressed my ear against his bare chest, listening to the quiet 'lub-dup' of his heart._

 _"Have sex in on-call rooms?" I asked in a breathless giggle, playing with the hairs on his chest as he rubbed my arm._

 _"No," he chuckled, "Well, yes," he corrected himself, "Celebrating with sex in on-call rooms is fun. More celebrating I say," he whispered, kissing the top of my head._

 _"What exactly are we gonna celebrate?" I laughed._

 _"Holidays, surgeries, Autism awareness month, other awareness months, birthdays. We'd be able to celebrate at least once a month with the number of nieces and nephews I have," he offered._

 _"Eww, Derek that's disgusting!" I said, scrunching my nose and smacking his chest, "What do you want to do send them a card and say 'Happy Birthday from Meredith and Uncle Derek, We're having sex for your birthday, have a great one' that's so creepy!"_

 _"Well we wouldn't send a card," he laughed, rubbing his chest, "Anyway," he digressed, "My point was that I like this. The after sex part when we can just lay together, be close, and talk about our days. I like spending this time with you, Meredith."_

 _"I like spending this time with you too," I whispered, tilting my head to kiss him before rolling on top of him once more and kissing him deeply._

 _"Hmmm," he moaned, "I like that too."_

Did thse feelings he had change in the time between our morning in the on-call room and our meeting with my mother? I couldn't figure it out and it was driving me insane. Now that I had said it out loud, I couldn't help but think it. I really did love him. I loved him so much, but what if he didn't love me?

* * *

Walking into the boardroom, my mind was still reeling from the events of the day. Our meeting with Meredith's mother had gone less than stellar and there were so many conflicting emotions swirling around in my head I could barely see straight. Ellis wanted to suspend me. Richard told Ellis about me and Meredith. Meredith told me she loved me. These were all major events that happened one after another and my brain just could not keep up. I didn't knwo where to start in dealing with any of it. So I didn't.

"Hello, you must be Mrs. Welsh," I said with a smile, moving over to the woman and shaking her hand, "Dr. Shepherd, it's a pleasure to meet you," I continued as she nodded.

I took a seat adjacent to hers, "The pleasure is all mine," she said excitedly, "We always love to hear from prospective foster parents. Why don't we start off with any questions you have for me."

Nodding my head, I clasped my hands together in my lap, "Well, uh," I chuckled, "I know very little about the process, to be honest."

Mrs. Welsh smiled, "That's quite alright, that's what I'm here for," she responded, pulling out some paperwork, "Then let's start off with why you're looking into becoming a foster parent."

"I grew up in a big family. I've always loved kids, but I'm more-so looking into fostering one specific little girl," I told her honestly.

"Ok, would you mind explaining the situation?"

I nodded, shifting in my seat, "She was a patient of mine that came into the hospital with a few different injuries," I continued on to tell her the story of how I had met Annie, about the phone calls Meredith and I had gotten from her and what a sweet little girl she was.

Mrs. Welsh explained the criteria for becoming a foster parent to me and we discussed the possibility of getting social services involved again. That perhaps with new individuals on the case for the first time in years things would move forward.

There was a distinct feeling of dread in my gut that I just couldn't place. I didn't know if it had to do with keeping this meeting and my intents of fostering Annie from Meredith, which was big and she would definitely be upset if she were to find out before I told her. After the events of the morning and how I had reacted to her profession of love, I couldn't help but think that telling her now would simply add fuel to the fire.

Nearly an hour after I had arrived in the boardroom, Mrs. Welsh and I had wrapped up our meeting and I sat in the room at the large table flipping through the pamphlets and various information sheets she'd given me. She seemed to have concerns about the status of my relationship with Meredith and our living situations, but also with the high demands of both of our careers and how that would affect Annie. As she left the room, I was almost more on edge than before. The odds were certainly stacked against me when it came to Annie.

My phone began to buzz and I snatched it out of my pocket, "Hello?"

"It's about time I hear your voice," Mom chided, "I haven't heard from you in weeks, Derek."

"I've been busy, Ma," I chuckled.

"Derek, all five of my children are doctors, I know that you're busy," she responded sharply, "but four of my children make time to call their mother once a week."

"Overachievers," I muttered with a smirk, "Did you just call to bug me about never calling you or was there something you wanted to talk about?"

"Is it a crime for a mother to want to know how her only son is doing?" she retorted, sighing heavily, "How are things going between you and Meredith?"

"Meredith and I are fine," I said softly, sighing and leaning back in my chair.

"If you're fine then why do you sound so upset?" Mom asked tenderly and I could almost see the pointed look I knew was on her face.

"Just… just a rough case that's all," I told her, which wasn't necessarily a lie, the last patient of the trial had been a rough case, but it definitely wasn't the truth.

"If you're sure," she said, obviously unconvinced, "So, Mark called me yesterday," she added hesitantly.

"Why on earth would he call you?" I asked.

Mom sighed, "He wants me to meet his daughter. He said that he wants her to have a grandmother."

"What did you say?" I asked, curiously. I knew that she was upset with him after all that had happened.

"I told him I had to think it over for a bit," she said honestly.

"What's there to think about?" I asked her seriously, "You're not related to her in any way, you have no obligation to have a relationship with her."

"Derek, I've known Mark since he was just a boy. Your father and I raised him," she said sadly.

"He ruined my life," I sighed unhappily, running a hand over my face, "He slept with my wife and broke up our marriage and then did it all over again."

"Derek, he's made mistakes and he knows that, but he loves her. He really does. I was angry at him too for a long time, but he's trying to own up to his mistakes. You've both moved on. You have Meredith…"

"Yeah," I whispered, "I have Meredith."

"Derek what is going on," Mom asked, nearly pleadingly.

Groaning softly, I checked my watch, "I'm sorry, Ma, but I have to get going. I have a surgery in an hour."

"Derek," Mom sighed heavily, "You can't ignore this forever, you're going to have to deal with all of this at some point."

"I know," I told her honestly, "but that point is not right at this moment. I really have to go."

"Ok, good luck with your surgery."

"Thanks, I'll call you later, I promise."

"You better," she retorted sternly, "I love you, Derek."

"I love you too, Ma," I sighed, "I'll talk to you soon."

After she said goodbye I tossed my phone back into my pocket and gathered up my papers to head out the door. She didn't believe me. Not a word of what I said and I knew it. There was no lie that could get past my mother.

I couldn't bring myself to tell her about everything that had happened this morning because I still didn't know how to feel about it. The last woman I had loved was Addison and that had blown up in my face like none other. I was terrified that the same would happen with Meredith as soon as things got serious. Maybe it was too soon, maybe Meredith and I should have waited longer.

* * *

There was nothing that could have prepared me for what I had told my mother that morning. I didn't even realize I felt that strongly about Derek until I was saying it to my mother's face and I didn't know if I was more angry about the fact that Derek had overheard or the fact that my mother was the first one to know I loved him. No matter the circumstances, I never could have imagined Derek reacting the way that he had. I thought that he and I were on the same page, that he had cared about me enough at that point. Certainly, everything we did together and everything he did for me pointed to that.

I was in the pit, trolling for cases when an ambulance pulled up and I was called over. The EMT jumped out of the back of the rig and with the help of another, unloaded a stretcher, calling out the patient's injuries and current state to anyone who happened to be listening. The words began to blend together as I glanced down at the stretcher I was positioned next to and two terrified hazel eyes stared back to me as a soft, tiny hand grasped my own.

"Annie," I gasped, leaning closer to her as we wheeled her to a trauma room, "it's ok, Sweetie, we're gonna take good care of you, ok?" I told her.

"Me…..Mere," she sputtered, her tiny eyes filling with tears as she was shifted swiftly off of the stretcher and onto a bed.

"I'm right here," I whispered, "I'm not leaving you alone."

Dr. Bailey burst through the door and our eyes locked as she looked from the little girl to me and nodded, "Dr. Grey, talk to the patient, see if you can keep her awake," she said as the room began to buzz with activity.

I nodded, moving a stool to sit right by Annie's head, "Can you tell me what happened?" I asked her softly, stroking her hair. Her eyes widened and she opened and closed her mouth a few times, "It's ok," I told her soothingly, "You're safe here. I'm the only one listening, you can talk to me."

"Tum….tummy hurt," she gasped, her face crumpling in pain as Bailey asked for an ultrasound machine.

"I'm so sorry you're hurt," I said to her, "Can you tell me what else hurts?"

"A….all of it," she sobbed, closing her eyes tightly.

My heart clenched and beat a little faster, "Ok, ok, you're ok," I repeated to her softly, looking up at Bailey with wide eyes, "You might feel a little sleepy soon, ok honey? But it's ok, you can go to sleep and when you wake up you'll feel better," I told her, only half-convinced myself as Dr. Hunt gave her a dose of medication.

"I... I not 'ake up," she said, in a short, choppy, breathless sentence.

Tears gathered in my eyes and I sniffed, "Yes you will, Annie," I said softly, my voice cracking, "You're gonna wake up and then you can eat pudding with Dr. Derek and we can play with Ellie, ok?"

"Mer….ith," she cried softly as the medicine took effect and she became drowsy, "I…don't wanna… sleep."

A tear broke free from my eyes and made it's way down my cheek, "I know," I told her, brushing her hair out of her face, "but you have to sleep so we can make you feel better," I smiled at her as happily as I could manage as her tear-filled eyes fell closed and her body went limp.

"We have to get her into surgery, now," Dr. Hunt spoke sternly as they hurried around, getting ready to take her up to an OR.

"You're strong and smart and beautiful," I whispered to the little girl, before rolling out of the way and letting them take her out of the room.

Resting my face in my hands, I took a deep, shaky breath and ran my hands through my hair. I wiped the tears from under my cheeks and glanced around the room, shaking my head.

Just a moment later, a shadow was cast in the doorway.

"Are you Meredith Grey?" the shadow's voice questioned.

I wiped at my face once, "I… um yeah I'm Meredith Grey. Who are you?"

"I'm Karen Welsh," the woman said, moving closer to me and holding out her hand.

"Nice to meet you," I said hesitantly.

"I was talking with Dr. Shepherd earlier. He had some questions about becoming a foster parent and…"

"I'm sorry," I said, shaking my head, a confused look on my face, "You do mean Derek Shepherd, right? Nice face, lot's of hair product?"

"That'd be the one," she laughed, "Anyway, the little girl who was just wheeled out of here, that was Annie, right? The one you two are looking to foster?"

I laughed dryly, shaking my head and rubbing my forehead. I couldn't believe that Derek would do something like this and not even mention it to me. I knew he cared about her and he knew I cared about her, but we had never discussed this.

This day, this freaking day needed to end.

* * *

It was insane how all of this crap happened. We should be excited, celebrating our victorious trial. Instead, I was avoiding her and she was probably upset and as much as I wanted to continue to avoid her and this entire situation, it broke me a little to know that she was upset. We'd have to talk eventually considering we lived within feet of each other, but I was determined to ignore whatever this thing was for a little while longer.

The sun was just setting over the cliff when I made it back to the trailer in a way that painted the sky with pinks, purples, oranges, and yellows. All meshed together to create a beautiful view, one that most didn't have access to in the city. For just a moment, I sat in my car and stared out across the land and water and directly at the sky.

Movement from Meredith's trailer caught my attention and I moved to get out of my car. Just as I shut my car door, I heard fumbling followed by swearing as Lexie dragged two large suitcases out of the small home.

"You've got to be kidding me," I said loudly, already knowing what was happening. Lexie was chasing her boyfriend to New York.

Lexie groaned as she tossed the suitcases out of the trailer and onto the deck, "Move along McDreamy," she snapped.

"Not happening," I told her sternly, walking up the steps of their deck and crossing my arms over my chest.

"Oh come on, not you too," she said, exasperated, "I am an adult. I can make my own decisions," she snapped.

"And your own mistakes apparently," I snorted, staring her down, "Were you even going to tell us you're leaving?"

"No, I wasn't planning on it," she snapped again, "All the two of you would have done is try to stop me and I've made up my mind."

"Lexie, you can't just follow him to New York and expect everything to be perfect," I told her truthfully, "It doesn't work that way, it's more complicated than that."

"Oh don't get up on your soapbox and preach," she retorted, pulling her hair out of the back of her jacket, "Meredith told me all about what happened at the meeting with Ellis and Richard this morning. You don't get to give me advice on my life when you keep ruining yours."

"That is not fair," I snapped back, "This whole thing between me and Meredith is a lot more complicated than…"

"Unlike you, I'm willing to admit when someone means something to me," she said with fire in her eyes as she moved closer to me, "and when someone means something to me, I don't just let them run out of my life," she yelled, grabbing her bags and hauling them off of the deck moving quickly toward her car.

"At least call your sister," I yelled after, swinging my hands apart angrily before turning on my heel and walking briskly toward my trailer, making my way down their steps, up my own and slamming my door behind me.

I stood right inside the door for a moment, my heart palpitating as ran my hands through my hair and over my face angrily before settling them on my hips.

Less than a moment later, my phone began to buzz in my pocket, it was an unknown number, but I answered it anyway thinking it may be Annie again, "Hello, this is Derek Shepherd," I said, a slight edge to my tone yet as I calmed down.

"Dr. Shepherd," it wasn't Annie, it was much worse, "It's Mrs. Welsh, I have some news on the little girl you told me about today, Annie," the tone of her voice told me it wasn't good before she could utter another word.

* * *

After the sun had set that night, rain began to pelt Seattle in a typical change of events. Once I finished with Karen Welsh, I made my way outside quickly, searching for peace. Searching for something that would make my heart and my head feel less restricted. Nothing made sense. Not Lexie yelling at her boyfriend to choose between her and New York and then wanting to follow him Derek's reaction to what I had said that morning. Not him going behind my back and talking about fostering. Not Annie rolling into the hospital on a gurney with internal bleeding after being beaten to a nearly too literal pulp by her foster family. Nothing. Not one thing in my life made sense. I wanted to run and hide and start fresh, pretending none of this had happened.

I didn't notice the tears running down my face at first, distracted by the rain and the jumble of thoughts racing through my mind. My chest constricted and my breathing became heavier as I wrapped my arms around my legs, curled up on a bench outside the hospital.

"Are you alright, Dear," a quiet voice came, cutting through the sound of rain and cars racing past the hospital.

I shuddered a breath and wiped my eyes before glancing up at the woman, "I'm fine," I sputtered, "Thank you."

"I'd say that the last thing you are is fine," the older woman spoke gently, sitting on the opposite end of the bench, "Is there any chance you're looking for some way to let off steam?"

"What tipped you off?" I giggled, a bit dark and rough, "The sobbing outside of a hospital?"

"Among other things," she said with a smirk that reminded me of someone, "I have five children and all of them are doctors," she began, "I'd know the look of a worn-down doctor from a mile away."

Taking a deep breath, I wiped away my tears one last time and slid one leg off of the bench before finally taking a good look at the woman in front of me, "Oh my god," I said, recognizing her immediately though I had only ever seen her in pictures, "You're Derek's mom," I whispered, biting my lip.

She tilted her head and her brows knit in confusion just like Derek's always did, "I am Derek Shepherd's mom, how do you..." she drifted off before relaxing into a soft smile knowingly, "You're Meredith," she stated simply.

I nodded, bringing my hand to rest on my knee as I looked to my left and rolled my eyes slightly, "Of course this would happen today," I muttered.

"What was that?" Carolyn asked softly.

Shaking my head, I tucked my hair behind my ear, "Nothing," I whispered, looking her in the eye, "It's just that," I gulped, "Today's been a really crappy day and I... I'm not really prepared to meet my boyfriend's mom," I said truthfully and a bit awkwardly as I broke eye contact with her and started playing with the hem of my shirt. Was it even ok to call him that right now? My boyfriend?

"You don't have to be prepared to meet me, Sweetie," Carolyn responded, reaching and placing her hand on my knee tentatively, "and that's why I'm here. I know that there's something going on that my son won't talk to me about. Something that's eating him up inside and I don't want to see that ruin what he has with you."

I looked at her in disbelief as tears gathered behind my eyes, "You hardly even know me," I told her, "I mean I happened to be there when Derek called you three times, but that's it."

"You're right, I barely know you," she stated simply, "but that's part of the reason I'm here. I want to get to know you. Derek's been through a lot and he doesn't deserve to be hurt again," Carolyn added seriously.

"I know that. I promise," I told her, taking in a shaky deep breath.

"Good," she said, squeezing my knee, "I'm glad. Do you want to talk about what's bothering you?"

Biting my lip, my eyes teared up and I looked at her hesitantly, "I do," I croaked, "but I don't know where to start. A lot of crap has happened today and I just..." I shook my head, tears running down my face once more.

"We can just sit; if you want? We don't have to talk, but sometimes it's nice just to have someone with you when you're upset," she whispered, moving closer to me, "Just someone to lean on and tell you everything will be ok," she said, wrapping her arm around my other knee, the still pulled near my body and rubbing it slightly.

"Ok," I nodded, "thank you," I whispered, leaning my head against my propped knee and placing my hand on top of hers. This was weird and unexpected, but it was also the most comfort I had felt all day. Derek had told me before that his mom had a way of talking people down, but it wasn't until that moment that I had truly believed it. We had talked on the phone briefly, with Derek on speaker phone and I had seen pictures of her, but this was real. It was real and it was comfortable and in a way it all made me that much more upset because what if I had ruined it? What if I had ruined my chance with Derek?

 _Sometimes it feels like life's just tumbling down around you. Like everything's falling apart and nothing can stop the downward trend. The only ray of hope appears when there's nothing left to lose. When you've already lost everything, when everything has already fallen apart, there's nowhere else to fall but together._

* * *

 ** _Don't worry. Trust me. Trust the process._**

 ** _Also, I have some very exciting stuff in the works that I think might possibly maybe be available to you guys by summertime!_**

 ** _Thanks again to all of you precious reviewers, there's a special place in my heart dedicated you! Much love_**


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy.**

 **Author's Note:  
I don't know what the deal is you guys, but there's a fire under me to get these stories out there and I'm loving it. Part of me feels as though something's different now. Maybe it's because I'm less worried about making other people happy with what I write and more worried about writing what feels...right, you know? Perhaps part of it is that it's been a while, I've matured some more and learned some more. Either way, I'm happy to be able to update and I hope those of you that may be tuned into TINTE enjoyed that surprise chapter after so long. I'm excited to wrap it up and explore other avenues, but it was a fantastic ride.**

 **Read. Review. Hopefully, enjoy.**

* * *

 _There may come a point when you're buried in worry and doubt and struggling to find a way out, but there's nothing to grasp onto and everything you think might help just crumbles under your fingertips. In those situations what do you do when the one person you want to go to about a problem is the source of the problem?_

It was early the next morning when I found myself walking toward Annie's room for the first time since I'd seen her in the ER, so early in fact that the sun had barely begun peeking through the trees across from the hospital.

By the time I had gotten home the night before, Derek's car was gone and his trailer was dark, which wasn't all too surprising. Karen Welsh had called Derek shortly after bombarding me in the pit and I was sure he would head over to the hospital as soon as he'd heard. There was a part of me that ached to have been the one to tell him and to be there with him as he sat with her. Annie was special, so special. I could understand why Derek had been thinking about fostering her because I would be lying if I said I'd never thought of it myself.

As I reached the doorway to Annie's room, I paused. There he was, sitting in a chair next to her bed, his head lulled back as he slept. It did not look comfortable, but I wasn't surprised to find him there. Sighing heavily, I made my way to Annie's bed, quietly pulling up a chair. Placing my hand around hers delicately, I placed a soft kiss on it before taking in the image in front of me. There was an intubation tube in her mouth leading down her esophagus to help her breath, her complexion was pale, and the dark circles that had formed under her eyes were new. My mouth went dry. My eyes watered. I couldn't help but want to swoop her up and take her somewhere safe. I wanted nothing more than for the words she'd uttered last night to be wrong. I wanted her to wake up.

"Hey," Derek's low, sleep-aced voiced sliced through my thoughts.

Without looking at him, I muttered, "Hey," in a breath, still staring at her little face.

"Social Services has a few new people on the case," he said, pulling the blanket off of himself and sitting up in the chair, "They're looking into…"

"I know," I whispered, "I was there when they brought her in," I told him softly, still refusing to meet his gaze.

"You were?" he asked and without looking at him I could tell he was surprised, "Did she say anything?"

Shaking my head softly, I glanced down at her small hand held in mine, "Just that she hurt all over and she didn't think she was ever gonna wake up again."

Derek hummed sadly and took a deep breath, "Meredith… I, umm… I met with… Karen,"

"Welsh, I know," I stated simply, coldly, "I told you, I was there last night. You're not the only one who cares Derek," I defended.

"I didn't say that I was, Meredith," he said softly.

"You didn't say you weren't either," I couldn't help but snap, before muttering, "Because if you did think I cared, maybe you would have invited me to your meeting with Karen."

"How do you know about that?" he asked, surprise evident in his voice.

For the first time since he'd woken up, I glanced over at him quickly, "I brought you some things, there's a bag in your office," I told him quietly, "You should go freshen up, your Mom will be here with coffee soon."

"My mom?" he asked, quirking his head, "When did she get here? How do you know she's here?" he questioned.

"Apparently, I'm more well-versed in your life than you'd like to admit," I told him seriously, grabbing Annie's chart from the foot of her bed and flipping through it.

He sent me a quizzical and slightly annoyed look, "Ok," he said slowly, "I guess I'll be back," he stated shortly, grabbing his coat and moving toward the door, the sound of his footsteps and the beeping of the machines echoing through the room.

His footsteps stopped near the door and I could feel his eyes on me as I heard him release a long breath before the footsteps came closer, stopping behind my chair. Then I felt his hand on my shoulder and pulled away from his touch, causing him to sigh before he kissed the top of my head hesitantly. His footsteps left the room and faded off down the hall.

As much as I wanted to be there for him, I couldn't, because I was scared too. I cared about her too and I didn't think he really understood that. On top of that, I was hurt and confused. I had told him that I loved him and he just walked away like I told him to have a nice day. After everything that had happened in the past few months, I could not figure out why I wasn't enough for him. I didn't know how to act, or think, or even feel. I didn't know how to be that person.

* * *

Walking out of my office after changing and getting ready for the day, I didn't know what to expect. Nothing seemed to be making sense anymore. Meredith was both pissed and concerned simultaneously which made for a very interesting course of events this morning. I was caught off guard that she knew not only that my mother was here, but that she had been in the ER when Annie came in last night. The last point in itself made me wonder why I had heard from Karen rather than Meredith. My head was pounding from a combination of the events of the past few days and the lack of sleep.

"Just the man I was on my way to see," a familiar voice came up from my left.

"Hey, Ma," I smiled, reaching down to hug her.

"Hello, Dear," she whispered, "You must have talked to Meredith if you knew I was here," she stated, shifting her bag on her shoulder as she juggling three coffees and three small brown bags.

"More or less," I agreed as we continued walking, "Do you want me to take something?" I asked politely.

"No thank you, Dear. I'm old, not senile," she defended and I couldn't help but shake my head as she followed closely by my side.

"Yes, Mother," I replied with a chuckle.

"That's my boy," she cheered as we turned a corner, "So would you like to tell me why I came to the hospital last night to find you, but I found your girlfriend outside crying on a bench instead?" she asked, giving me a pointed look.

I sighed heavily and tilted my head toward the sky for a moment, "It's complicated," I told her simply before looking her in the eye, "Don't look at me like that," I groaned.

"Derek what did you do?" she asked softly.

"Nothing," I said sternly, "I did nothing and that's the problem," I conceded, looking around before pulling her to the side of the hallway and speaking quietly, "Meredith told me she loved me and I didn't say it back," I said before knitting my eyebrows together and shrugging, "I walked away."

"But you do love her," my mother said forcefully, "don't you?"

I shifted back and forth on my feet, looking around anxiously, "I… I really care about her."

"Derek," she said sternly, standing right in front of me, "Don't make this about Addison. Meredith is not Addison," Mom said forcefully.

"I'm not making this about Addison," I groaned, rolling my head back, "It's just… I'm just," I sighed in defeat.

"You know I met this feisty little doctor downstairs, she muttered something about you being a 'Brainless Brain Surgeon'," she said, moving in front of me to begin walking again.

"Bailey," I groaned without hesitation, shoving my hands in my pockets and following behind her

"She may just be right," my mother said with a smirk, narrowing her eyes at me.

"Ma! I'm your son," I exclaimed with a chuckle, giving her a look in return.

"Which means I have an obligation to be honest with you," she defended, "Now why don't you tell me some more about this Annie girl," she continued innocently.

A couple minutes later we turned the corner and continued down the hall to Annie's room. Meredith was standing outside of the door, talking on her phone and I could tell she was becoming increasingly irritated.

"What do you mean Derek knew?" Meredith snapped into her phone, "Lexie we talked about this and I…" she began before obviously being cut off, "You can't just leave in the middle of the night and not say goodbye!" she groaned, running a hand through her hair and taking a deep breath, trying to calm herself down, "Look, just come home. We can talk about this. We'll figure something out," she said, biting her lip.

"Crap," I muttered, widening my eyes at my mom who looked concerned.

"Dammit, Lexie, you can't just throw everything away for a boy!" Meredith nearly shouted angrily, grumbling and shaking her head as she shoved her phone into her pocket and spun around, looking like a deer in the headlights when she saw us standing there, "Mrs. Shepherd," she forced a smile, "You really do have great timing," she said awkwardly, looking up at the ceiling and blinking back tears.

"It's a blessing and a curse," she responded with a laugh, moving closer to Meredith as I stayed back, glancing at Annie through the window, "Coffee should help," she continued, offering one of the large red cups to Meredith with a sad smile.

"Thank you," Meredith responded softly, her voice worn down.

"Take this too," my mother continued, I looked over to see her shove a small brown bag into Meredith's hands, "I figured after last night you'd need a little more than coffee to keep you going," Mom offered with a smile.

"Thank you, really, Mrs. Shepherd," Meredith said softly, tucking a stray strand of hair behind her ear, "You didn't have to do that."

"I'm a mom, it's what I do," she winked, reaching out to rub Meredith's arm, "and because I'm a mom, I also give out unwanted advice," she chuckled.

"That's very true," I said quietly, Meredith still refused to acknowledge my presence.

"Oh whatever," Mom said, waving her hand at me, "My youngest, Amelia, is a lot like your sister from the sounds of it," she began seriously.

Meredith nodded, taking a sip of her coffee, "From what Derek's told me, I'd say that's true too," she said, glancing over at me for only a moment.

Mom hummed with a smile, "Give her some space. As hard as it may be, let her make her own mistakes and make sure you protect the home you've made for her so she has somewhere to run when it gets tough," she spoke tenderly, "because if you break that trust and security now, it may be a long time before you see her again."

"Ok," Meredith said with a nod and a soft smile.

"Now," Mom began, straightening up, "I'm going to go check out the gift shop to find gifts for my grandkids," she said with an excited smile, squeezing Meredith's arm once more before handing me a coffee and a mystery treat of my own and walking away.

Meredith walked up to the window and stood next to me, sipping her coffee.

"So," I began slowly, "You've met my mother."

"I've met your mother," she sighed roughly, "Twice now in less than stellar situations."

"She's got five kids, she understands. I promise," I told her softly, "Do you…"

"I can't, Derek," she said sharply, turning to look me in the eye, "I can't talk to you like everything's normal right now. You talked to someone about becoming a foster parent behind my back," she argued sternly, her gaze unwavering for the first time that day, "and you just let Lexie leave and fly to New York and you didn't tell me," Meredith shook her head and looked at me with a mix of bewilderment and anger in her eyes, "I am embarrassed and hurt and I'm worried about Annie and I'm worried about you," she spat, gesturing toward me, "which is idiotic because I am so pissed off at you right now that…" she huffed, moving away from me marginally.

"Meredith, I'm sorry," I whispered, "I'm sorry about the meeting with Karen, it was something that I had been thinking about a lot lately and I wanted to get some more information, I didn't want to scare you off," I told her honestly.

"That isn't something you can just mull over without letting me know about!" she snapped, "I'm your girlfriend, we're in a relationship. That means I need to know if you want to become a freaking foster parent before you start looking into paperwork for it!"

"Meredith…" I pleaded, looking at her sadly.

"Unless," she said she said sternly, playing with her coffee sleeve, "Unless you don't want me to be your girlfriend anymore," she continued in a softer tone, drawing in a breath as I watched tears bubble on her eyelids and she sniffed, looking from me to her coffee cup.

"No," I began, but just as I was about to say something else, incessant beeping came from Annie's room. She was flatlining.

"Call a code!" I yelled to a nurse nearby as we bolted into Annie's room, tossing our coffees in the trash can on our way. Meredith started chest compressions and I checked her intubation system.

"Come on, Annie, Come on," Meredith murmured urgently as she continued compressions just before the code team came crashing through the doors to take over.

I gave them her stats, moving behind Meredith and grabbing her shoulders, "Meredith," I whispered shakily, "It's ok, it's ok, step back, it's ok," I told her softly, pulling her to my chest as she turned toward me, tilting her head to watch as they prepared to shock Annie's heart. My throat closed up as tears gathered behind my eyes.

Meredith nodded against me, holding onto my arm tightly as her tears soaked through my shirt, "She's gonna be ok," she attempted to assure me, but I could tell she barely believed it herself.

"Clear!" one of them yelled and they all put their hands up as a shock was sent through Annie's tiny body. They watched the machine, willing for a pulse, but once nothing changed they repeated their actions what felt like a dozen times but was really only three before her heart beat returned and the machine went silent.

"Thank God," Meredith breathed hoarsely, "She's ok, she's gonna be ok," she said softly, stroking my arm for a moment and shoving her face into my neck as I nodded.

"She's gonna be ok," I said, smiling down at her softly and tearfully, brushing her bangs out of her face as she pulled away a bit.

Just as quickly as she had melted into me, she tore herself away, wiping under her eyes and sniffling. Once again, she wouldn't make eye contact, "I have to go," she muttered quietly, turning to leave.

"Meredith," I called sadly, reaching out to her.

She shook her head, "I have to go," she repeated, her voice cracking as she nearly ran out the door.

* * *

I wanted the bubble back. The one that I felt content and safe in. The one Derek and I had shared that moment in, in Annie's room during the terrifying minutes we thought she might actually die. The bubble that we'd shared for months before every freaking shoe that could have possibly dropped, dropped. I wanted it back, all of it. The hugging. The kissing. The cuddling. Sitting by the fire with Lexie. Laying in bed watching movies on our days off together. Taking early morning walks in the woods.

"What if this is it?" I questioned, laying on the bottom bunk of an on-call room bed, staring at the bottom of the bed above me as numbness overtook my mind.

"What if this is what?" Cristina asked from the top bunk.

"The universe telling me to give up on men," I answered with a sigh, picking at the blanket under my fingertips.

"What and date women?" she asked.

I chuckled, "No. Maybe I should take a vow of celibacy," I offered seriously.

Cristina scoffed, "Gonna join a bingo club too?" she asked sassily, "Wait, are you and Derek over or just fighting?" she asked, sounding a bit confused.

"I don't know," I groaned, rolling my eyes, "I don't want us to be over," I admitted sadly, "I don't think that we're over," I said, shaking my head lightly, "I mean, he may not love me, but today when Annie coded…" groaning again, I grabbed the pillow from behind my head and put it over my face.

"Shepherd's an idiot, Mer," Cristina stated firmly, "All men are when it comes to feelings, it's how they're wired. The guy just got out of a bad marriage, a long, bad marriage. We didn't call him McDreary for nothing."

"But he and Addison are over. She's happy! She has a new-ish man and a baby!" I snapped, "Why the hell does he still let her control him? She doesn't even live on the same side of the country."

"That new man was your man's best friend and that baby was supposed to be Derek's until a couple months before it was born," Cristina scoffed, making a good point.

"You're supposed to be on my side," I said dryly, rolling my eyes.

"I am on your side, I'm your friend. Friends tell friends when they're being insensitive."

"I am not being insensitive," I snapped, kicking the bottom of her bed, "He's being insensitive. I told him I loved him and he freaking walked away. He walked away Cristina."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah. He walked away, he's terrible, but Meredith you know him better than anyone else," she reasoned, "If you were just his friend right now and he had a different girlfriend and the same thing happened, what would you say to him?"

"Don't pull that psych crap on me," I snapped.

"If you're just gonna be a bitch, I'll leave," Cristina said honestly, the springs of the bed popping as she shifted.

"Fine," I groaned, closing my eyes and visualizing the situation differently.

"Well?" she asked, the bed creaking once more as she lay back down.

"I'm thinking."

"Think faster, I have a surgery."

Sighing softly as I came to a conclusion, I opened my eyes and stared at the bottom of her bed once more, "I would tell his girlfriend that he's been through a lot and that it hasn't been that long since his marriage ended. That he deserves to be unsure."

"Good," Cristina replied, "Now what are you gonna do with that information?"

"Talk to Derek," I muttered quietly, "That doesn't make the other stuff ok though, does it?" I asked her a little more loudly.

"It doesn't," she agreed, "He's been through a lot but that doesn't mean he's not an asshole for keeping things from you," Cristina said simply.

"Speaking of assholes, have you talked to Owen lately?" I asked curiously, happy to change the topic and talk about someone else's crap.

"Yeah, but only because his marriage counselor made him," she responded dryly.

"So he's not..." I began hesitantly.

"No," she answered sadly, "He's not leaving his wife. I get it, they have kids and they've been married for a long time and what we had was just…" she trailed off.

"I'm sorry," I told her honestly, while silently celebrating for Callie. This friend thing was getting tricky.

"Me too," she whispered in reply.

We sat in silence for a while, stewing about our own lives. I for one was wondering how time had gone by so quickly. It was insane to me that I was stuck in this situation, it felt like just yesterday that I started my internship here.

As Cristina stalked off to her surgery with a new found energy at the thought of blood, I walked off to find someone I knew would be able to answer a few of my questions. Someone that I hadn't trusted with anything in awhile.

* * *

The day had dragged on after I was forced to leave Annie's room and get actual work done. I had been hoping that as time went on, my mind would clear and things would seem simpler, but that hope proved to be fleeting as I met my mother in my office at the end of the day.

"I hit the jackpot in that gift shop of yours today," Mom said as she settled onto my couch, "I always love a one-stop shop."

"I know you do," I chuckled, filtering through a few more files quickly, "and I'm glad that you found what you needed. God forbid you go on a trip and don't return home with gifts for everyone," I joked, rolling my eyes lightly, one reflection that I had been spending a lot of time with Meredith.

"Oh there would be hell to pay," she said with a laugh of her own, "Those little nieces and nephews of yours are spoiled rotten, I tell you," she said with a shake of her head and a sigh as she looked over at me.

"Oh I'm so surprised," I said sarcastically, smiling at her.

"So, Dear," she began softly, "Have you thought at all about what we talked about this morning?"

"You mean the Meredith thing?" I asked, raising my eyebrows but not looking up from my paperwork.

"That would be the one," she smirked.

"I have… kind of, I mean…yesterday morning she said she loved me," I started, running a hand over my mouth before resting my chin on my hand, a pen still entwined in my fingers, "She didn't tell me so much as I overheard her tell her mother that she loves me and that's why she was fighting so hard against my suspension…"

"And you freaked out and ran away?" she asked, not judgmentally, but knowingly.

"And I freaked out and ran away," I repeated, rolling my eyes, "I don't even think she planned to say it," I said softly, looking Mom in the eye with a small, sad smile, "I mean, when she came out of the office she looked just as surprised and scared as I felt, but I froze," I said dryly, shaking my head.

"Hmmm," she hummed, rubbing the arm of the couch, "Do you love her?"

"I think I do," I told her without skipping a beat, "but Addison was the last woman I loved and after everything that's happened. I just… I feel like I need more time. To make sure it's… right, you know?" I finished, tilting my head, my eyebrows knit together.

"Derek," she said softly, "If you think back to the Meredith that was nothing more than your friend, would you tell her what you're feeling right now?"

Knowing what she was up to, I released the breath I'd been holding, "I would," I agreed.

"Then tell her now. She is still that person. Your relationship with her brings the two of you closer together in every aspect of your lives. Don't push her away."

"It's not that easy, Ma."

"It's exactly that easy. The more time you take, the further away she'll be. Now I've only talked to her a few times, but Derek, Meredith does not deserve to be kept in the dark. She deserves better and so do you. Don't keep yourself from being happy now because of something someone did to you in the past. Meredith is not Addison," she whispered soothingly.

"She's not," I smiled knowingly, catching a glimpse of Meredith through the window as she ran down the hallway, "How do you do that every time?"

"Do what?" she laughed.

"Make everything seem so simple."

"I'm your mom, it's my job." she said with a shrug.

That was what I needed. I needed to hear that whatever I felt was ok, that I was allowed to take the time to think things through.

* * *

Jogging out of the on-call room and weaving in and out of hallways, I came to a stop right in front of an elevator holding the person I was looking for just before the doors closed.

"Alex," I said breathlessly, jumping inside.

He looked stunned and stuttered for a moment, "Meredith, hi," he said awkwardly.

"How did you know?" I asked forcefully, still standing on the opposite end of the elevator, empty save for the two of us.

"I… um, how did I know what?" he asked, leaning back with his hands on the bar behind him.

"When you realized you loved April," I began forcefully, "How did you know it was different than you and me?" I asked, genuinely curious.

"Look, Mer," Alex said, his eyes falling to the ground, "I'm sorry th…"

"I don't need you to apologize again," I snapped, "I need you to answer my damn question. How did you know April was the real thing?"

Alex shrugged, finally bringing his eyes to meet mine, "It just wasn't the same, you know? When I was with you, I was happy, that was it. I was content. But with April," he scoffed, rolling his eyes, "The girl drives me crazy. Literally insane, but there isn't a moment I'm with her that I want that to stop. When we're together it's like…" he paused, "It's like all the other crap just doesn't mean shit, you know? Like if we're together we can do anything. Get through anything. Yell and scream and fight until our voices are hoarse and then make up and still be just as happy as before. It's just… different," he finished with a shrug.

"Yeah," I said, looking toward the floor of the elevator pensively before looking back at Alex, "Different," I said.

"You ok?" Alex asked gruffly, pushing off of the back of the elevator as we reached his floor.

"I'm fine," I said, shaking my head and moving aside for him, "Hey, Alex?" I called out as he began to walk off, "I'm happy for you, and April," I swallowed thickly, "I'm glad that you're happy. You deserve to be happy," I whispered.

"Thanks, Mer," he said with a smile, "You deserve it too."

The doors closed. The elevator lurched to a start again. Different, it felt different. Loving Derek was different than loving Alex. Thinking about it after the fact, it seemed as if the love I had for him was almost… brotherly love. The love I felt for Derek just didn't compare. I was so incredibly frustrated with him, but I still wanted to comfort him and be with him.

"Hey," a soft, but strong voice spoke as the elevator doors opened once more.

"Hey," I responded, taking in Derek's tired form as he made his way into the elevator and stood next to me, his pockets shoved in his lab coat as the doors shut in front of us.

We sat in silence for a moment before he sighed and reached over, pulling the stop button, "That's for emergencies," I told him.

"This is an emergency," he told me seriously, turning to face me.

"What's wrong?" I asked worriedly, "Is is Annie? Is she ok? I knew I should have gone up there during lunch, I…"

"Annie's fine, don't… don't worry about her right now," he said tenderly.

"Then what is it?" I said, rolling my eyes.

Derek sighed, running a hand over his face before placing his hands on his hips, "Yesterday, you said you loved me and I walked away," he said seriously, looking me directly in the eyes.

"Mmhmm," I hummed, crossing my arms and looking down at the floor of the elevator.

"I didn't… I," he sighed, moving closer to me and placing his hands on my arms, rubbing them up and down carefully, "Meredith, look at me, please," he pleaded, tucking my hair behind my ear as I sighed and lifted my head, my eyes watered and I wiped my nose with the sleeve of my shirt. Derek smiled at me sadly, "I didn't walk away because I don't care about you. I walked away because I care about you a lot and it scares me," he admitted, taking a deep breath, "It scares me because I don't want to mess this up. Because you," he said, reaching out to rub my cheek, "You deserve so much more," he said softly.

Shaking my head, I looked at him in confusion, "I don't want more," I croaked, "I want you, Derek," I sighed sadly, reaching out to place my hands on his hips.

"I'm glad you do," he said, his eyes watering as he smiled, "because I want you and I want… more," he whispered, "If I were to tell you, right now, that I love you, it wouldn't be a lie, but it wouldn't be the truth either," he spoke tenderly, "because right now, I'm stuck on things that happened in the past. I'm still upset about how I ended things with Addison. So, I'm not gonna say it, not yet," he said with a smile, "because when I do say it, I don't want Addison in the back of my mind. When I say it, I want it to be special. I want it to mean more than it does right now, because you mean the world to me, Meredith," he said with another teary-eyed smile as he tilted his head and shrugged, "and you… you deserve for it to be true and genuine. You deserve to be the only thing on my mind when I tell you those three words, ok?" he finished sternly.

Tilting my head, I scrunched my nose with a sniff ad looked up at him, "Ok," I whispered back, a smile playing on my lips, "Ok," I repeated again, shaking my head, still smiling and looking down for a moment.

"OK," he said, releasing a deep, long sigh and squeezing my arms.

"Ok," I whispered again with a sigh of my own, reaching my hands up to run them through his hair. He wrapped his arms around my waist, pulling me snugly against his chest and placing his lips against mine firmly, "I'm still mad at you, you know?" I said, pulling away from him breathlessly.

"I know," he smiled against my lips, before kissing me deeply, reaching down to hook his hands behind my knees and bringing my legs around his waist.

"Good," I responded with a smile, my hands still wrapped in his hair as I kissed him roughly and he walked toward the back of the elevator, holding me up against the wall.

 _When the one person you want to talk to is the source of your problems, you talk to them, because they're the only ones who will ever truly make things better. If they're really the most important person in your life, nothing will change what they feel for you. They'll want to comfort you and help you and make you feel whole. It's easy to forget that just because you may fit together perfectly, old pieces of a life that was once there may still linger. Because the longer you're attached, the harder it is to break free._

* * *

 ** _Oh man, you guys. I sure do love a good elevator scene. Shonda's were much better, but you give and take I guess._**

 ** _Thank you, thank you to those who have reviewed! I appreciate you bunches!_**


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter 10**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Grey's Anatomy.**

 **Author's Note:  
** **Ok, first of all, I just have to say that I've been re-watching MerDer scenes for the first time a long time and it's making me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Honestly, I've been feeling a little dark and twisty recently (personal stuff, you know how it goes) so being able to ignore that for a while like the unhealthy person I am has been great.  
It's been little over a week for this one, I know, but I literally wrote the beginning three separate times before making a final decision and rewrote every other section at least once. I'm picky these days apparently. I hope it pays off! ****  
**

**Read. Review. Hopefully, enjoy.**

* * *

 _Worry consumes. It cripples from the inside out. Perhaps it begins as a simple, nagging voice in the back of your head that won't go away, but the thing about worry is that if you ignore it long enough, it spreads. All of a sudden that small voice in the back of your head turns into a scream. Your gut churns and you come up with a multitude of possible outcomes all of which are, of course, worst case scenarios._

The trailer was cold. It was empty and quiet and I could swear that even in a space as small as that, there was an echo. It had been a week since Lexie left. Since Annie showed up at the hospital battered and bruised on a stretcher. Since Carolyn had caught me crying outside the hospital and since her son had pissed me off to no end. A week of sleeping alone. Waking up alone. Being alone.

I wasn't used to being alone and I didn't like it. For the longest time, I lived with my parents. Every waking moment in that house was tracked by them. After moving out, I had Lexie with me. Being alone wasn't something I liked. It felt empty. It fueled worry and thinking and those were two things I didn't want, especially not now.

I continued to toss and turn as that worry plagued my thoughts. It riddled my bones. My mind was reeling. Contemplating. Calculating. I needed… something. A release. A distraction. Someone to force me to stop worrying for even the smallest of moments. Derek. I needed Derek.

In a split second, I nearly jumped out of bed, moving quickly toward the door, shoving my feet into a random pair of shoes as I went. Just as I had a million times before, I bolted off of my deck and toward Derek's, zipping through the Seattle rain as the tiny, cold drops pelted my skin. Without knocking, I opened the door of Derek's trailer and stepped inside with a shiver, kicking my shoes off before hurrying toward his bed.

Much to my confusion, once I reached the foot of it, there was something missing. There was no lump where Derek should have been and the blankets were smooth as if they hadn't been touched.

"Where the hell…" I began, running a hand through my rain-kissed hair.

"What're you doing?" a gruff and sleep-laced voice questioned from behind me.

Turning around quickly, my eyes focused on the couch to the back of the trailer. There he was, laying on the couch right beside the door. Of course.

"Looking for you," I responded, walking toward him, "Why are you sleeping on the couch?" I asked, snatching a blanket from his closet on my way and wrapping it around my shoulders.

He rubbed his hands across his face and groaned, "I didn't mean to, it just happened," he said as I climbed onto the couch, cramming myself between him and the back of it, shivering once more as I cuddled closer to him, "You ok?" he questioned in concern, rubbing a hand up and down my arm and kissing the top of my head.

"Fine," I told him lightly.

"Liar," he responded roughly, squeezing my arm.

"I just… I couldn't sleep," I replied hesitantly and admittedly slightly annoyed. I wanted a distraction not a conversation about our problems.

"Hmmm," Derek hummed, wrapping his arms around me and pulling me to lay on top of him, chest to chest.

"Hi," I smiled lightly, propping myself to look him in the eye.

"Hi," he smiled back before running his hand over my bangs, "Wanna talk about it?" he asked in a whisper.

Leaning down marginally, I placed a kiss on his lips, "No."

"Meredith," he said against my lips, "We promised."

"This doesn't count," I said begrudgingly.

"You can't sleep. You're upset. That requires communication," he said simply, "We promised that we would get better at the communication thing," he reminded me.

I let my head rest on his chest again, "Because you kept things from me," I said defiantly. It was a low blow and I knew it all too well.

"Come on, Meredith," I could feel his chest rumble as he groaned, "We've talked about that. We're supposed to be past that," he defended rightfully.

"Fine, that wasn't fair," I breathed, rolling my eyes.

"So are you gonna stop dodging my question?" he asked softly squeezing my close to him.

Sighing heavily, I thought for a moment before releasing a nearly inaudible moan, "I just… I don't know. There's just so much going on with Lexie and with Annie and I… I just…"

"You miss Lexie," Derek whispered.

Sighing heavily, I conceded, "I miss Lexie. She's my sister and… and she's been through so much crap and I just..."

"You want to help her," he whispered with a smile, "I get it. You should call her," he said softly, rubbing my back as I played with his shirt.

"She doesn't want to talk to me," I told him, "she hates me."

"Lexie doesn't hate you."

"Yes, she does," I said sternly, "And I get it… I would hate me too," I groaned.

"Meredith, Lexie's life was… different," Derek relented, "and I can't say that I completely understand. I have four sisters, but I've known them all since the day they were born, frustratingly enough I know them inside and out. You and Lexie didn't have that. It took time to build a relationship with her and it'll take more than this to break it," he assured me.

"You don't know that," I murmured, "Like you said, it's different with her than it is with your sisters. It's not the same."

"I'm sorry," he said with a heavy sigh as he kissed the top of my head, "I still think you should call her though."

"What am I supposed to say?" I snapped, "That thing your mom said about not ruining her home? It terrified me. Derek, what if I already did that? What if she never comes back because she thinks that I don't care about her anymore."

"Don't worry about that right now," Derek said tenderly, "Just focus on having a conversation with her. Make sure she's ok."

"I can't not worry," I told him forcefully, "All I do is worry. Every day and every night. I worry about her and about Annie and about how my mother will handle finding out about us, we barely got through the end of the trial without a nuclear war. I can't stop… I can't stop thinking," my voice cracked as tears gathered behind my eyes, "I lay awake every night worrying about all of this crap and trying to figure out how to fix it and I… I just can't. I can't fix it and I don't know how to be ok with that."

"Meredith," he muttered sadly, "You can't put that all on yourself," he said comfortingly, resting his head against mine.

"But if I could just…" I began.

"You are not in this alone," he interjected sternly, "I am right here with you and I understand… Meredith I really do," he continued, shaking his head lightly, "Lexie… god, she frustrates the hell out of me, but I care about her like she's one of my sisters. I'm scared… terrified that Annie's going to die or that she's going to be sent back to live with those people, and your mother?" he scoffed, "I'd rather walk in front of a bus than deal with her."

"Me too," I chuckled dryly, wiping a tear from my cheek.

"Maybe we can do it together," he joked darkly and I could almost hear the eye roll in his voice, "We will do it all together," he said more seriously.

"Promise?" I asked softly, shifting my head from under his to look him in the eye.

"Promise," he smiled tenderly.

"So this doing things together and not having to be alone thing," I said with a tentative smile, "That means I can sleep in your bed with you and drag you into my bed to sleep, right?" I asked.

Derek smirked, "I don't know," he trailed off, tilting his head, "The snoring might just be a deal breaker," he chuckled.

"Shut up," I yelled with a laugh, smacking his chest, "It's not that bad."

"It's like living in the city," he added with a chuckle.

"Is not," I scoffed in an offended tone.

"It is," he said with a 'sad' smile, "but it's very cute, I'll let it slide."

The smile fell from my face and I looked at him seriously, "Be honest with me. If you're not ready for that then I'll understand," I told him knowingly, "I'm just… I just get lonely and when I get lonely I think a lot. I'm just not used to being alone but I can…"

"Meredith," he whispered, placing his hand on my cheek with a small smile, "Nothing would make me happier than having you in my bed."

"Yeah?" I asked, smiling tentatively.

"Yeah," he repeated with a goofy smile, leaning in to kiss me.

I sighed against his lips, "It's just… I don't want you to feel like I'm forcing you to…" I groaned and reached a hand up to rub my face, "I don't want this to be another thing that I'm forcing you to think about."

"You're not forcing me to do anything, Meredith. I…" Derek began softly, shaking his head, swallowing thickly, "I care about you a lot and this past week has been hard, on both of us. I want to be here for you, I really do," he whispered honestly, hugging me closer, "and I don't like the idea of you being over there by yourself when you're upset. If I had known that you weren't sleeping, I would have been the one to climb into bed with you," he finished with a comforting smile.

Rolling my eyes, I melted into him, "Well I suck at this whole communication thing,"

"I know you do," he said with a chuckle, "That's what the promise was for," he raised his eyebrows at me.

"Whatever, you're not great at it either," I scoffed.

"Touche," he said with a wink, "We're equally terrible people, maybe that's why I like you so much."

"You should write Hallmark cards," I snorted a laugh, rolling my eyes as I threw one leg over him and sat up, straddling his waist.

That made him laugh, one of those laughs that caused his eyes to shine, before he became slightly more serious and ran his hands up and down my sides, wrapping a hand around my back and moving into a sitting position himself, "You know what else sleeping in the same bed helps with?" he questioned mischievously, pulling my closer and kissing my neck.

"What?" I laughed.

"Sex," he said in a growly whisper against my ear, moving to kiss my neck and my chest then finally my lips, hugging me to his chest as I burst into a giggle and shook my head.

* * *

There hadn't been much of a change in Annie's state since last week. Her brain activity seemed to dip marginally nearly every day which made our attempts at hopefulness dip along with them. The investigation into her case was taking longer than I had anticipated. From where I sat, it was so simple and so obvious.

"I don't understand," Meredith interjected as we sat across from Karen Welsh, "You said that it should be an open and shut case. That they would be contacted by the authorities and it would be settled."

I placed my hand on Meredith's leg from my seat next to her and rubbed a hand across my face, "It appears that…" Karen stopped and sighed, "There is a lot more to this case than was originally thought, Dr. Grey."

"Is it just because of the other kids they've fostered?" I asked her curiously.

"Partially, but it's…look it's an ongoing investigation and due to your unique relationship with Annie, I can't legally discuss it with you at the moment," Karen released a breath and looked down at her papers.

"What is there to discuss? Annie's laying in a bed in the ICU. She's been in a coma for a week. Kids don't just do that to themselves, she was obviously..." I began harshly.

"Derek," Meredith muttered, looking over at me grabbing my hand from her leg, "There's only so much she can do."

"It's not enough," I shouted, standing up quickly, "Annie could die. At any minute her brain could stop functioning properly, her heart could stop beating, she could get an infection. There's a list a mile long of ways this little girl could die and you don't even care," I continued angrily, looking Karen in the eye.

"Dr. Shepherd..." Karen attempted to interject.

"No," I said sternly, "You are not doing enough to help her. I contacted you because these social workers needed a fire under their asses to get something done because I am so tired of this case getting overlooked and brushed off when there's obviously something very wrong here. Annie deserves more, she's just a little girl. When she wakes up and she will wake up, she is not going back there" I shouted once more, running my hands across my face and through my hair.

I was tired of fighting so hard for her when it seemed as if everyone else was just going about their days as if nothing was going on. Almost as if no one realized that four-year-old little girl was still laying in a hospital bed three times too big.

"Dr. Shepherd," Karen said, a bit more sternly this time, "I assure you that I am doing everything in my power to fight for her. I have been working around the clock with these people attempting to get the whole story," she defended, her voice becoming rough, "Let me tell you that this case is more complicated than you think it is. It's not cut and dry. Annie isn't the only person suffering here and that's about as much information as I can give you. We are so close, so close to closing this case for good and if I tell you anything right now, it might jeopardize the whole investigation," she nearly begged.

"She's not working against us, Derek," Meredith told me seriously with a look in her eyes that told me I was reverting to a McDreary-esque rant, "You brought her into this because you did the research because you trust her. Let her do what you brought her here to do," she pleaded, looking at me sincerely.

Placing my hands on my hips and puffing out my chest slightly with a deep breath, I looked down at the floor and closed my eyes, "Ok… Ok, I'm sorry," I said softly, moving toward Meredith once more to sit back down.

"I understand, Dr. Shepherd. You don't have to apologize," Karen sympathized as Meredith opened her hand in my direction with a sad smile, inviting me to grasp it once more, "I know that you care about Annie."

"We really do," I whispered back as I grabbed Meredith's hand and sent her a sad smile of my own.

"We do," Meredith agreed softly before turning back toward Karen, "So Derek talked to you last week about potentially fostering her. What do you think the chances of that are?" Meredith asked, admittedly taking me by surprise

"Given she makes a full recovery and the investigation goes the way we hope, she will absolutely need to be placed in another foster home," Karen admitted before glancing over her paperwork and smiling toward us sadly, "but it is not likely that home would be yours," she said simply.

Swallowing thickly, I nodded, "What are the… umm, what are the determining factors?"

"Look, Dr. Shepherd, Dr. Grey," Karen began hesitantly, "You'd have to be blind not to notice how much the two of you care about this little girl and the fact that you're both doctors does benefit you in some ways. However, it also brings up concerns about the amount of time you would be able to dedicate to the child. Additionally, home inspections would need to be completed and Dr. Shepherd," she continued, looking me in the eye, "you mentioned that the two of you live in separate trailers on your land. There's also the fact that you two haven't been together for very long. Typically, we like to see that there is a stable household that involves an actual house and a stable, perhaps married, couple. It is important to us that we ensure we are placing a child in a safe home that is conducive to success. I know that this may seem counterintuitive given Annie's previous home, however, I need you to know that this situation, though it does occur, is one that is not common."

"So," Meredith began hesitantly, "What you're saying is that we would have to get married and buy a house to even consider fostering Annie?" she asked nervously, bringing her other hand to our interlocked ones and running her hand over my knuckles.

"That would be a good start," Karen admitted, "but I urge you to think this through. To really think this through because these are steps that should not be rushed if you aren't ready. You should not jump into this so quickly if only for Annie."

I looked over at Meredith, contemplating what this meant for us, "So it still wouldn't be a guarantee," I said slowly.

"Correct," Karen stated, "I know that the two of you want this, that you don't want to lose her, but it may be best to let Annie be released to another foster family. Then, if later on you feel comfortable enough and meet the criteria, you could look into fostering or even adopting her."

"Right," I stated simply, turning Meredith's hand within mine and rubbing slow, methodic circles into softly.

"I have a meeting to get to across town, so I should head out," Karen told us, packing up her things, "You two should talk this through. If you have any questions at all, let me know," she said, grabbing her briefcase and standing up. Meredith and I did the same, reaching over the table to shake her hand.

"She's right, you know?" Meredith said, sighing heavily and rubbing her forehead as she leaning against the table, "We can't just rush into things."

"I think we could," I shrugged, raising my eyebrows and crossing my arms over my chest lightly.

Meredith scoffed and looked at me quizzically and slightly baffled, "How?" she snapped, "How could we get married and move in together to foster a kid already?" she asked harshly.

"Meredith it's just a title and we practically live together already," I defended.

She clicked her tongue and shook her head, "You can't even tell me you love me," she snapped, "and you want to get married just so you can foster Annie?"

"Meredith," I groaned, my head lulling back and forth, "don't bring that into this," I said seriously.

"Don't bring that into this?" she repeated, in the way she did every time she got mad at me, "How the hell am I not supposed to bring that into this?" she snapped, "Look I know that you care about Annie, I care about her too. I care about her too much to force a marriage and buy a stupid house just to bring her into it and pretend to be a family," she argued, turning to face me, "Karen was right to say that you should rethink this. When this investigation ends, Annie will no longer be in that house with those people and she can move in with a family who will take care of her and love her and we'll know that she's safe. That's all that matters… that she's safe and happy. Annie deserves a family and I refuse to marry someone who doesn't love me just to give her a fake one," she finished sharply, her eyes bubbling with tears as she turned away from me quickly and made her way to the door.

"Meredith," I called after her sadly, uncrossing my arms and following behind her, grabbing for her arms lightly.

She pulled away from me, not looking me in the eye as she opened the door, "I have patients to check on," she muttered and just like that she was gone.

"Dammit," I snapped angrily, turning around, running my hands through my hair roughly and kicking at the door frame.

Just when I thought everything was starting to make sense and finally work itself out, I was reminded once more that the game of life isn't a fair one. That a stream of bad things doesn't always lead to an ocean of good. Sometimes the light at the end of the tunnel is really a train coming toward you to provide you with yet another obstacle.

* * *

I wanted nothing more than to ignore Derek all day, but since I had transferred to neuro, there was no chance of doing that. I didn't talk to him unless I had to and brushed him off each time he attempted to pull me aside to talk.

Instead of eating together in Annie's room during lunch, I snuck off into an empty corridor with a few gurneys lining the wall. I placed my lunch to one side of me, pulled my legs up, and grabbed my phone from my pocket, flipping it around in my hand for at least a minute before finally dialing a familiar number.

"Hello," a tentative and somewhat cold voice came from the receiver.

"Oh," I sighed, picking at the sheet that covered the gurney, "You answered, I didn't think you would. I thought you'd let it go to voicemail but I'm… I'm glad you didn't," I stammered, taken aback a bit.

"You're rambling," the voice interrupted with amusement.

I'm sure my cheeks changed by a few shades, "Sorry, I… umm,"

"Meredith, if you called to yell at me and try to make me come home.." she began sternly.

I rolled my eyes, biting my tongue to keep from telling her that's exactly what I wanted, "No, Lexie," I sighed sadly, "I just wanted to make sure you were ok, I'm worried about you."

"You don't have to worry about me, Meredith," Lexie said, determined, "I took care of myself for a long time before you came into the picture and I can take care of myself now."

"Lexie," I told her sternly, "You've been through a lot. I just don't want to see you get hurt and throw all of the progress you've made away," I admitted, "Look, just because you took care of yourself for so long doesn't mean you should have to now that you have people who care."

Lexie sighed roughly, "Meredith I'm not throwing anything away! All I had in Seattle was that job at a coffee shop and the possibility of getting into a community college. I can do both of those things here in New York and still be with Jeremy. He's worth it to me," she finished honestly.

"You have me here," I told her sadly, more than slightly offended, "You have me and Derek and…" I trailed off as my voice cracked.

"I didn't mean it like that," Lexie said defensively, "I just… as far as opportunities go over there… I," she sighed sadly, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean that."

"I love you. You know that, right? And I miss you, a lot," the line went silent and I for a moment I thought she'd hung up, "Lexie? Are you there?"

"Yeah," she said a moment later. I could hear the tears in her voice before she cleared her throat, "I love you too, Mer. I'm sorry...I'm so sorry," she breathed, "I should have talked to you. I should have told you that I was leaving, that was a really shitty thing for me to do and I… Derek was right, I should have told you," she apologized, her voice becoming a little rougher.

"It was shitty," I chuckled dryly, wiping a tear from my eye, "There's a lot going on here and I… I just wish that you were here," I admitted, a few more tears racing down my cheeks, "but I'm… I'm glad that you're happy and you know if leaving Seattle was what you needed to be happy, then I'm glad you did it."

"Thank you,' she whispered, "It's really good to hear you say that," she said, a teary smile evident in her voice.

"I hope you know that you will always have a home here, Lex," I told her with a small smile playing on my lips.

"I do," Lexie admitted, "Mer you were the first person to truly take care of me since my mom died and I… I won't ever forget that. No matter what happens, you will always mean the world to me," she said softly and for the first time since we'd started fighting, she sounded like the Lexie I had learned to love.

"Me too," I said with a teary-eyed laugh.

"You and Derek, are you two ok?" she asked in concern.

"Yeah," I said with fake enthusiasm, "Yeah, we… we're great," I told her, "You don't have to worry about that, just focus on making it work over there, ok?" I told her softly.

"I will," she promised softly, "I'm sorry," she said as people began talking in the background and music started playing, "I have to go, I'm in a studio with Jeremy visiting some friends of his, but I'll call you later?" she asked.

"Sounds good," I told her, "Seeya, Lex."

"Bye, Mer," she said with excitement and before she hung up, I heard her laughing at something over there.

Everything was fine. Things were ok; Derek was there and he cared, Annie didn't get any worse that day, the investigation was almost complete, and Lexie, Lexie was good. Everything was good, except it wasn't right. It wasn't right because Derek should have been able to tell me he loved me too. Annie shouldn't have been in a coma. There shouldn't have needed to be an investigation into her foster parents' actions. Lexie should have been home instead of in New York where anything could happen. Nothing was the way that it should have been.

My mind was captured in a never ending cycle of these thoughts as I tried to wrap my head around them. Around what I wanted them to be versus what was actually happening. I sat with my knees pulled up to my chest and my head resting on my arms as tears ran down my cheeks and my breathing became slightly labored.

"Meredith?" a tender voice called out to me as footsteps approached the gurney, "Meredith are you ok?" the voice came again.

I wiped my eyes and looked up to see April standing in front of me, "Yeah," I attempted to perk up my voice, "Yeah I'm great," I said, sitting up straighter and wiping at my nose.

"You don't look that great," she responded softly.

"I'm fine, really," I told her, willing her to just keep walking.

"Now I really know you're not ok," she laughed, "Any Grey who says they're fine is in fact not fine," she said knowingly.

I couldn't help but roll my eyes and smile, "You're right," I nodded, "I'm not fine," I admitted, looking her up and down, "How are you?" I asked.

She sent me a quizzical look before her face lit up and she smiled widely, looking down at her stomach and cradling it in her hands, "I'm great," she said happily, "Really great."

"Good," I said with a slightly strained smile, "I'm happy for you," I told her honestly, "You and Alex… you seem to be happy together and that...that's good," I sighed, looking down at my lap before looking back at her, "You've always wanted a family," I said with a genuine smile.

April nodded, her eyes filling with tears as she looked at me sadly, her mouth opening and closing like she couldn't quite figure out what to say, "Meredith, I am… I'm so sorry," she croaked, tears spilling over her eyelids and down her cheeks.

"I know," told her softly, "You and Alex really hurt me. At first, I didn't," I shook my head and smiled sadly, "I didn't think I would ever forgive you. I didn't think I'd ever be able to look at you, but I… I do forgive you. I don't think that we can ever be friends at least not like before, but I don't want to spend the rest of my life holding a grudge. You're really happy and you have everything you've always wanted and that's really great."

She smiled at me tearfully, "Thank you," she whispered, "You deserve it too. You deserve to be happy too and I'm sorry that you're not right now."

"Me too," I said with a long sigh, pausing for a moment before continuing, "Do you ever just feel like things are ok, but that they could be so much better?"

"I do," she said, looking at me quizzically, "Meredith what's wrong?"

I shook my head, "Nothing. Nothing's wrong, but everything's just… it's just not quite right. It's not the way it should be. I can see it all play out in my head and it's so much better," I told her with a slight moan in my voice.

"You can't change everything. Sometimes you can't even fix anything," April said, taking a seat next to me, "There will always be something that could be better. There will always be something that's not quite the way you expected. From my experience," she said with a smile, "You just have to wait it out and see how it goes, let life play out the way it's supposed to."

"Does that really work?" I asked her with a dry chuckle.

"Well," she began with a deep breath, "When you walked in on me and Alex," she said sadly, "I thought that was it. That I would never have a conversation with you again. Then I found out I was pregnant and I wanted to tell you," she continued almost desperately, "I wanted to tell you because I always imagined having you there with me to celebrate and to bitch about things with and… and I messed that up pretty royally, but now here we are," she shrugged," and it's not what I expected at all, but it's better than nothing," she said with a smile.

"It's better than nothing," I smiled, turning my head toward her and nodding as my pager went off, "I need to take this," I told her, looking up from the small device, "but it was really nice to talk to you again, April," I told her honestly.

"It was nice to talk to you too, Meredith," she said, smiling widely as I grabbed my still full lunch and turned to walk away.

* * *

All morning I had been trying to get just a few minutes alone with Meredith. She was hurt, I could tell that she was and as much as she seemed to understand that I needed time, I knew that it was painful for her and that tore me apart. I hated knowing that Meredith was unhappy and I was the reason why. There wasn't a part of me that didn't wish I could just tell her those three little words without thinking back to all the times I'd meaninglessly told Addison the same three words. I was conflicted, confused, and worried.

By mid-day, I had found myself by the coffee cart for the third time. The previous night, with Meredith sleeping close by, I had slept better than the past five nights combined, but there was something about that all-consuming stress and worry that drained every last moment of that sleep from my body.

"Well don't you look like a ray of sunshine," Callie snarked with a laugh as I turned away from the cart, large coffee in hand,

I couldn't help but roll my eyes, "Thanks," I said with a dry smirk.

"So, I heard Annie's back," she said casually as we made our way to the skywalk.

I stopped, turning back to look at her, "Yeah," I sighed, "She is."

"What are her chances?" Callie asked, concern evident on her face.

Shaking my head, I ran a hand across my mouth before looking her in the eye, "I… I don't know. It doesn't look good," I told her sadly, "She's circling the drain. It's slow, but it's happening. Every day her brain function decreases a little, some more than others, today seemed to be the lowest decrease all week, but, I don't know."

"I'm sorry," Callie said softly, placing a hand on my arm, "I know that you care about her and I, god, I can't imagine if my little girl was the one laying on that bed," she said, a pained look flashing across her face.

Not knowing how to respond, I nodded and smiled at her, "How are the kids?"

"Crazy, they're insane," she admitted, laughing as she raised her eyebrows, "but they seem really happy."

I chuckled with her, "Good, that's good."

"Yeah," she sighed, "It really is."

"What about you and Owen?" I pried, "How are things going?"

Callie took a drink of her coffee and swallowed roughly, "He's been going to therapy and he's sleeping in bed again without any nightmares, so I think things are… looking up."

"No nightmares?" I asked in surprise, "Wow, that's great. That's a big step in the right direction."

"It is, but," Callie shook her head.

"But what?" I questioned, noticing her apprehension.

"Nothing," she declared, "Nevermind, we don't have to talk about this. Do the friend thing."

"We can," I told her honestly, "We can do the friend thing. You tell me your crap, I tell you mine."

Callie looked at me hesitantly, leaning against the rail and taking a long sip of her coffee, "Fine, you first."

Sighing heavily, I looked down at my cup, fiddling with the sleeve, "Meredith told me she loved me and I didn't say it back."

"Ouch," Callie winced, "Been there. How'd you handle that?"

"I told her that I cared about her a lot but that I couldn't say it yet. She understood, but this morning we were talking with Karen about fostering Annie and she said it would be best if we were married and living in a house," I told her, finally looking up to meet her eyes, "I said I didn't think it was a terrible idea and Meredith got pissed off and told me she didn't want to marry someone who didn't love her," I sighed.

"Wow," Callie said, raising her eyebrows nodding slowly, "but you do, right? You love her?"

Letting out another long breath, I chuckled dryly, opening and closing my mouth a couple times as I tried to determine what to say, "I… I do, but every…"

"Then just say it," Callie interjected forcefully, "Derek, if you love her then just tell her, there are no buts allowed here. Women are analytical. You tell her you can't say it yet, that you need more time and she thinks that you don't love her. That she doesn't mean enough to you."

"But that's not it," I said sternly, swinging my hands away from my hips, "She means everything to me. I wouldn't be the man I am today without her. Meredith helped me through so much crap with Addison and Mark and I…"

"Is that what it is?" Callie asked, "You're not over what they did to you?"

I was silent for a moment, then I shook my head, "No, I'm not. I'm not over it."

"Well you need to get over it," Callie snapped, "because it's not fair. It's not fair to Meredith. She deserves to be with a man who is only focused on her. After everything that's happened, how can you not see that? When Alex cheated on her she was devastated. She was betrayed."

"I know," I said defensively, "I was there for her through all of that."

"Right, and you know how that feels and I know how that feels. And let me tell you, to go from something like that to being in a relationship where the person you love is still caught up in someone else sucks," she continued angrily, taking a shaky breath, "To be with someone and to know that you're not the only one on their mind…" she trailed off, shaking her head.

"Callie, I…"

"No, don't say anything. I don't want your sympathy," she forced, "I don't want your pity. I want you to go to Meredith Grey and either tell her it's over or tell her you love her because this bullshit is not enough."

"I know it's not enough," I snapped, "I know it's not enough and that's why I haven't said it yet because those words feel abused. I told Addison I loved her so many times without meaning it."

"It's not about the words, Derek. It's about how you say them, it's your voice and your expression and your body language. It's about the actual love," she said, exasperated, "The words you tell Meredith may be the same ones you told Addison, but the feelings that go along with them are not the same," she told me in a softer tone.

"I guess I never thought of it that way," I admitted, casting my gaze toward my cup rather than her. It made so much sense; the difference between just spewing words someone wants to hear and saying words that are saturated with feelings.

"Yeah, well, you don't really think about these things until you have to," Callie sighed.

Looking her in the eye again, I asked, "Do you think Owen's just saying the words out of obligation, is that why?"

Her eyebrows knit together as an emotionless look crossed her face, "I'm worried that maybe I'm not the one he wants to say them to," she admitted.

This time I was the one to place a hand on her arm as I sent her a look of what could be depicted as pity and support. It was complicated, this relationship thing. When I was younger I thought that it would only get easier, that it would get less confusing and I would understand how exactly to handle all that came with it. I was wrong, so, so wrong. The exact opposite happened, it became more complicated and heart-wrenching that I'd ever imagined.

 _The thing about worry is that it demands to be dealt with. Ignoring it only feeds it. Allows it to grow stronger and take more control. Facing it head on, calling it out, and dealing with it is the only way to stomp it out._

* * *

 **Sending my deepest, most sincere appreciation toward those of you who gifted me with a review! They truly make my day. You guys rock. Seriously.** _  
_

 **Happy Easter!**


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